


I caught a glimpse, now it haunts me

by gaynebula



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Canon Trans Character, Coming Out, Davenzi, Drug Use, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV Alternating, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:02:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 46,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23154490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaynebula/pseuds/gaynebula
Summary: After things go down both in school and at home, David finds himself at Laura's, not having anywhere else to go. He ends up at a new school, with a plan to be unknown. A plan that crashes to the ground as soon as he sees Matteo.There is something wrong with Matteo's brain, and instead of figuring out what it is, Matteo looks for escape anywhere he can - video games, drugs, sleeping for days. Then, he meets David, and something inside of him wakes up.
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck)
Comments: 186
Kudos: 183





	1. David

**Author's Note:**

> So, it turns out I'm writing a third fic about these two. The story will focus mainly on David's traumas and Matteo's mental health. The first chapter will be from David's pov, the second chapter from Matteo's, and so on. My ambition is to update once a week (and if I don't, just know it's because of work, not disinterest for this fic).
> 
> Title from "Silent shout" by The Knife.
> 
> Please let me know what you think ❤

In his parents’ defence, they hadn’t kicked him out. 

Not that it mattered - the outcome had still been the same, with him packing his bags, but he guesses that maybe, to some people, there’s an important difference. Maybe, he thinks, it’s even important to _him_ \- that he left on his own. That the choice was his.

It doesn’t change the fact that it’s 2 AM on a Thursday, and David is standing outside of a run-down apartment building, his hands freezing as he unlocks his phone just to see that his texts still hasn’t been marked as ‘read’.

He _knows_ Laura can use all the sleep she can get, with her work schedule being a bit insane, but really, there’s nowhere else to go, and, he reasons, he knows she’ll understand.

In the end, it’s not some greater force of sudden bravery that makes him enter the building, taking the stairs two steps at a time; it’s because he’s _freezing_ , and his body is aching, and, honestly, he is so, so tired. Somehow, it feels as if he hasn’t slept in years, just drifted through the days and weeks, trying his best to keep his head down.

And yet, people had noticed him, noticed his slow transformation despite him hiding at the back of classrooms and never really talking to anyone long enough for them to get to know him. Then, people had still found out, and it was if his skin was luminescent, making heads turn towards him, followed by confused stares and, eventually, words of disgust, harsh glares and, after a while, occasional physical fights.

David had done his best not to fight back; most often, he would just get shoved against a wall, leaving light bruises on his arm that were easy enough to hide. Although he knew he was strong, and able to do some damage, he didn’t want the attention that would follow - and, more importantly, he didn’t want his parents to get a call about him fighting kids at school, resulting in a _conversation_. 

He had tried, but then, there’d been too many glares in that one class, too many comments flying through the room to the point that they’d drowned out the voice of their teacher, tiredly asking them to pay attention, and when some guys he knew he should avoid blocked his way to the lockers as the class was done, there was nothing left in him telling him not to cause anything, not fight back, not get in even more trouble.

Instead, as soon as he’d felt them close in on him, he’d fought back like he had nothing left to lose, and in a sense, he thought that he hadn’t.

“David?”

He doesn’t remember pressing the buzzer, but suddenly, Laura is standing right in front of him, her hair tousled from sleep, her eyes worried.

He has no idea what to say, because up until now, he’d tried to focus on actually getting there. The plan - if it could even be called a plan, rather than an impulse decision in a moment of panic - had just been to pack his bag in a hurry, trying to decide which things he could do without, and leave without getting caught.

Now, in the darkness of the staircase, with the only light coming from inside of Laura’s flat, it’s as if his brain is shutting down with the realisation that he has actually left home, and the words refuse to come out.

Before he’s saying anything, there are tears forming in the corners of his eyes, and he knows they won’t go away. He doesn’t want to come here like this - literally crying at her doorstep, asking for her to do just _anything_ to help him - but here he is.

“Fuck.”

He stutters under his breath, his breathing short and unsteady, and before he knows it, Laura’s arms are clinging to his shoulders, shielding him from the rest of the world, and he can feel her pushing him into her apartment without letting go, with his head pressed into her shoulder.

At first, they don't talk about it, except for Laura asking if their parents know he’s there. When he shakes his head, still not able to put sentences together, she just reaches for her phone, presumably to text them.

By now, his throat is sore from crying, aching in the way it only does after trying but failing to push back sobs, so he doesn't offer any explanations, doesn't even ask if he can stay. His chest is aching, and he’s aware it’s not just from binding, even though he’s definitely worn his binder for too long. It’s something else, a tenseness spreading from his shoulders down to his chest, pressing down in a way that’s almost suffocating.

He can sense Laura giving him a look, as if trying to figure out what to say, before simply offering him another hug, this one a bit more careful than the first one.

"Come on, let's sleep."

Her voice almost disappears as David is pressing his ear to her shoulder. He wipes his face with his arm as he steps back, even though she's already seen him full-on crying, and just manages to whisper out a small 'sorry', not even sure it’s audible.

"Don't worry" she mumbles back, obviously sleep deprived but still offering him a small smile, "are you okay on the couch tonight?"

He nods, because honestly, he's just grateful to be there, even if the couch hadn't been as comfortable as he knows it is - he could have slept on the floor if he'd have to.

It doesn’t take him long to fall asleep, with exhaustion pressing down on his body like a weighted blanket, forcing his limbs to give in to the feeling. It’s a restless sleep, though; every few hours, he wakes up just to realise he’s at Laura’s instead of in his own bedroom, forcing him to remember just exactly what had happened, and _why_.

At least, he doesn’t really dream - he just keeps waking up with an unrecognisable feeling in his chest, like his mind has been replaced with someone else’s.

The day that follows - or days, rather - are tough.

Mostly, it feels like he’s not really in his own life, like this is some weird in-between stage where he’s gotten out of his old life but doesn’t have a new one yet.

It begins with David having to explain to Laura just how bad everything had gotten in school, his words barely getting out while he’s forcing himself not to cry. She doesn’t ask him why he didn’t tell her sooner, doesn’t ask anything, just seemingly holds back an urge to treat him like a fragile thing in need of protection.

Then, when it’s clear to them both that he can’t go back there, to that school or to their parents, Laura goes into solving mode.

As David spends a few days not going to school and just alternating between running, re-watching his favourite movies and making art that’s the opposite of colourful, Laura takes it upon herself to make calls to headmasters, write an absurd amount of emails and, whenever she thinks David is out of earshot, talk to their parents in a low, serious voice.

“So.”

David is on the couch, binge-watching some show he doesn’t really care about, eating some crisps just to pass the time, when Laura sits down next to him, watching him with a tentative expression. She looks tired, which he assumes she must be, and he thinks of how _unfair_ it is of him to do this to her, despite her protests when he’d vocalised that thought a few days ago.

“There’s a school not that far away that would let you start next week.”

He knows, rationally, that this should be a good thing. Not only does it mean that he won’t have to go back to his old school, which he’s still afraid is seen as a plan B, but it holds a promise of being unknown, of starting out as _David_ around people who’s never known him as anything else.

“Okay.”

Laura looks at him, her dark eyes gauging his expression, and David’s pretty sure that all she finds is tired lines across his face, and something resembling apathy.

“You have to go meet them, first. It’s cool, I’ll go with you, but you will have to talk about it, you know. So that it won’t be like that again.”

As if she can sense his growing apprehension, she adds, “They sounded pretty alright, David.”

And, yeah, maybe they are, or will be, but the thought of having to meet with stiff headmasters and teachers to talk about _himself_ and _his issues_ makes him want to get up from the couch and just run, despite being in the most safe place he’s probably ever been, if it meant not having to think about any of it ever again.

Still, he stays put.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I’ll go.”

They don’t really talk about any details, or maybe they do, but it’s as if everything is just passing him by; the days are rushing by with him just floating in the same place, not moving backwards but not forwards either, although he knows things are happening around him.

He’ll go into the kitchen, and more often than not, Laura will sit there with her laptop, searching for an apartment that’s big enough for both of them, but still affordable on Laura’s income. He knows there must be things she’s neglecting in order to help him sort his life out, because she _does_ have work, and a social life, and there’s only so many hours in a day. And yet, she always seems to be around, making sure David is safe and sound.

Still, he can’t bring himself to tell her to stop - sure, he’s tried telling her that he can handle more than she thinks, and to some extent, he’s great on his own, but there are moments when _that night_ comes back to him, their parents voices loud and clear, their words almost taking physical form in David’s head. And, in the end, he knows he needs people - or, at least, Laura.

Entering the building of the new school, with Laura a few steps ahead of him, feels less than he thought it would. Sure, he’s a bit nervous, with anxiety tinting his thoughts, but mostly, he feels indifferent. According to Laura, the headmaster had reassured that David’s identity wouldn’t be a problem, but he still doesn’t feel _good_ about going into the meeting.

There are three different people he’s never met before in the small room, all giving him smiles that don’t really reach their eyes, as if they’re trying a bit too hard to make him feel welcomed there. They do all call him David, though, and the headmaster tells him more than once that they’ll use his ‘preferred’ pronouns, and it’s up to him if he wants to be out to the rest of the teachers and staff. He doesn’t, but he still nods, trying to take in that maybe, this place won’t ruin him, won’t let him feel like an outcast constantly having to hide away.

Somehow, David finds himself going to class on his first day, wearing his most comfortable hoodie and dark, loose pants, and no one really comments on him being there. Sure, it’s a larger school than his last one, but he’s still a new kid in the middle of the last term, appearing seemingly out of nowhere.

When it’s been two weeks and he still hasn’t received a single glare, no invasive questions or even a confused look from teachers reading his name, it feels as if he can finally let himself breathe.

He’s not sure _how_ , but during his third week there, he manages to get roped into hanging out with two girls in his gym class before their class has even started. It’s wildly different from any experience he has from hanging out with girls before - now, he’s seen as a boy, as _him_ , and they don’t have any reason to question him, or slip up with his pronouns.

The tall girl, Sara, laughs loudly whenever he feels confident enough to joke around with them, and the shorter one, Leonie, affectionately punches his arm when she thinks he’s funny. It’s the closest thing to friends he’s had in forever, and despite being exhausted by the workload and trying to navigate the corridors with the constant fear of getting exposed, he still finds himself smiling when he’s heading home, realising he might actually survive until Abi is over.

After a weekend of not answering his phone when seeing his mother’s name on the screen, followed by a mixture of guilt and anger and sorrow and everything being _too much_ , David goes into the new week feeling a bit raw, vulnerable. He puts on his headphones before he’s even out the door, choosing a playlist carefully before turning up the volume a little. There are heavy clouds hanging over him as he walks towards the school entrance, with the promise of rain later on, and he tugs the sleeves of his sweater a bit closer to his wrists out of habit.

He has more or less zoned out as he takes the stairs to the second floor, about to go to his locker, and then, suddenly, something is pulling his gaze towards it, forcing David to look up to see a boy, a bit taller than himself, walking towards him, and everything just _stops_.

There, just a few steps away, hidden in clothing that more or less hangs off of his body, with blond hair almost hiding his face, is a boy David knows he’s never seen before - it’s as if the sight in front of him makes his brain tune out everything else, making everything surrounding them smudge and faded.

Then, the boy looks up at him, his gaze heavy on David, and he’s not sure he remembers how to breathe, or if he’s ever been able to, because right now, it doesn’t feel like it.

They inevitably pass each other, slowly, and when David turns around to catch another glimpse of him, the other boy is already looking back at him, his face impossible to read.

Still, he feels seen, and despite that being the last thing he should want, painfully aware of how he still has to stay hidden, he can’t help but missing the feeling as soon as the stranger is out of sight. 


	2. Matteo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains description of drug use, stay safe!

Matteo can’t pinpoint when it started; all he knows is that it refuses to stop. It might have just been weeks, months, but it feels like _years_ , and in a sense, it wouldn’t surprise him - he can’t remember not feeling like this, like he is constantly overwhelmed by anything and everything, in desperate need of covering his ears or closing his eyes shut until his mind was filled up with white noise, drowning out reality.

He didn’t really have a game plan for when it happened, but usually, the night would end with him smoking while hiding out in his room, or, if he wasn’t at the flat, outside of whatever place he was at, trying not to worry his friends too much. Mostly, the only one who would actually say anything was Jonas, and Matteo would just shrug and say something about being stressed, making Jonas huff and nod in some sort of agreement, like that was enough for now.

His room is still dark, the hours floating from Sunday night to Monday morning, and he can’t sleep, despite his eyes hurting from exhaustion, his body heavy under the covers. It’s as if time is suspended, the shadows around him staying still, and Matteo tries to focus on his breathing, but his skin is itching and his brain won’t shut up. 

The past week had been _bad_ , in a way he hadn’t been prepared for. Besides getting more texts from his mom than usual, all of which contained bible quotes he wouldn’t read, he’d almost lost it in two different classes when someone had talked a bit too loudly, combined with the deafening sound of a dried out marker against a white board. He’d closed his eyes, then looked around to see that everyone else seemed unfazed, as if their ears didn’t hurt from the sensation, and someone had shot him a weird glance, making him shift in his chair, wanting to stand up and just _leave._

Then, there had been a party, because of course it had, and Hanna had told him he should dance with their friends, and because it'd been Hanna, he had gone along with it, trying to sway a bit to the music that was just a bit too loud. Sara had been there, dancing close to him with a smile that was innocent enough for him to not catch on, and she was nice, so he smiled back.

At that, she had leant in, her eyes glancing down at his lips, and Matteo had shifted his face just enough for her kiss to land on his cheek instead of where she’d wanted it. Before she could voice any of the confusion visible on her face, he’d offered her a nervous “sorry” and shuffled away, more or less running out the door.

He doesn’t remember exactly where he’d gone, just that he’d clenched his fists in his coat pockets until they’d whitened, before searching his inner pockets for a lighter.

All of this had resulted in Jonas finding him who-knows-how-long afterwards, sitting beside him at the side of the pavement, reading his face like a secret map, filled with symbols only he could decipher. 

They had sat there until Matteo was way too cold, and Jonas had followed him home, all the way to the dimly lit hallway leading to his bedroom. Then, for some reason, when Jonas had uttered a simple “you okay?”, Matteo had broken down and stuttered out something about being gay under his breath, his breathing unsteady and eyes burning a little at the corners. 

And it had been fine, because it’s Jonas, but it hadn’t really changed anything, because he still _can’t sleep_ , and he knows he won’t function if he goes to class with no energy, and everything will just be a repeat of the week before, and god, he wants it to _stop._

He can’t remember falling asleep, but since he’s being awaken by the alarm on his phone, he must have at some point. There’s an ache already sitting at the beginning of his hairline, slowly moving over to his temples, and his vision feels grainy, making him rub his eyes for a bit too long before making any attempt to leave his bed.

Despite his multiple layers, going outside makes him feel too raw, with the grey morning light barely reaching through the clouds, and he’s not even sure how he’s made it here, but somehow, he has. He hasn’t had coffee, or any breakfast, really, but at least, he will actually be on time for his first class, possibly making him feel a bit less shitty.

It’s not like he _wants_ to fail his classes, or zone out until a teacher brings him back with an unimpressed comment about how he should _pay attention_ \- but there’s just so _much_ , all the time, in a way he doesn’t even know how to describe, and sometimes, it drowns out whatever’s going on around him, no matter how hard he’s trying to focus.

Maybe, he reasons, he’s turning into his mom.

He’s not sure she feels like that at all, because they don’t talk about it; he’s just witnessed her inability to leave her bed, knows her tendency to turn quiet for long periods of time, the traces of dried tears on her face without ever actually seeing her cry. She never smoked, though, she just… slept, a lot, until it’d feel as if she’d slept for years.

Somehow, the self-sabotage his brain is up to feels different, and maybe, it’s not solely due to his possible but undiagnosed depression - maybe he’s just wired wrong, unable to just _do things_ without wanting to hide away until his breathing wasn’t as laboured.

As he looks up, trying deliberately not to think about it, any of it, there’s a moment where every noise of the hallway fades to silent hums, and Matteo is pretty sure that this, right here, is the moment he’s finally lost his mind.

Before him, moving closer with each step, is a boy, with raised shoulders and dark curls, and Matteo _knows_ that this isn’t real, but fuck, the second his gaze lands on Matteo makes something turn electric, sending shivers through his skin, as if his body was made out of electrodes. 

He’s there, close enough to touch as they pass each other, and when Matteo looks back, because he’s physically incapable not to, the other boy slowly turns back as well, raising an eyebrow at him before disappearing.

It takes him a moment to just breathe, then another to try to convince himself he’s fine with suddenly having hallucinations on his way to class, because to be honest, he doesn’t have the time nor the energy to panic about it right now.

For some reason, despite the moment not leaving Matteo’s brain, it doesn’t hit him that it could’ve been a real interaction - not until his first class after lunch the following day, when he’s supposed to meet up with Jonas, and he sees that same boy stand a few feet away from Jonas’ locker, nodding at whatever Jonas had said before turning around and walking the other way.

“What’s up?”

Instead of answering, Matteo looks over to where the boy is still in sight, walking further away from them until he’s almost gone.

“Who’s that?”

Jonas’ smile turns into something a bit more confused before he seemingly pieces together what Matteo’s on about.

“Him? Oh, uh, he’s in my History class, just got here.”

The fact that Jonas had in fact talked to him, making him a real person instead of a figment of Matteo’s mind, shouldn’t come as a surprise - and, yet, Matteo’s head is spinning.

“Why?”

“Uh, don’t know, looked familiar.” It’s an obvious lie, but Matteo doesn’t have the energy to care if Jonas sees through him or not, and judging by the way he simply shrugs before changing the subject completely, Matteo thinks it’s fine.

As he moves through the next few days in some sort of slow haze, his thoughts clouded and head still aching, Matteo suddenly sees him _everywhere._ It's always fleeting, and from a distance, but the unmistakable dark hair and tense shoulders seem impossible to not notice even from across the building, regardless of the amount of people hurrying by. His movements seem rushed, with a speed that comes from walking the same floors every single day, but without the lowered guard that comes from routine. 

He doesn’t know how to put it into words, because when does he ever, but the sight of him makes Matteo _want_. He doesn’t even know - or maybe he does, deep down - what it’s about, but if anything, he wants to know him, in any way possible. A name, the sound of his voice, what he looks like up close without distractions-

_Fuck._

He is not doing this.

Matteo is decidedly not getting caught up with someone he’s just glanced at through hallways, without anything to go on except for the features of a face, dark eyes with a look he could never begin to translate into something he understands.

It’s cold, and he’s late, and he can’t remember _why_ he’d agree to come to some party Jonas wanted to go to, or how Jonas had convinced him they’d meet up there instead of heading out together. Matteo doesn’t really care about being late for this sort of thing, but he does care about letting Jonas down, and he’d hate himself if he did, so he doesn’t. Searching through his room to find _something_ to take his mind off things, and possibly to use as a peace offering for not bringing alcohol, had taken him what felt like ages, and when he actually did find something, it was less than he’d wanted it to be.

Still, he’s here, at the entrance to an apartment he thinks belongs to someone in Abdi’s class, maybe, or possibly a friend of a friend of Carlos’ - he doesn’t care, really, as long as Jonas is there, ready to inevitably save him when whatever stranger that had come up to Matteo realises he isn’t that interesting, that he doesn’t have that much to offer. Because yeah, he’ll look decent at times, under the right light and after some drinks that makes his smile go softer, but it’s nothing _more_ , and if there is anything Matteo hates, it’s to get someone’s hopes up just to disappoint them later on.

“He’s here!”

The voice greeting him as he forces himself to enter is not Jonas’, but Abdi’s, and the smile on his face is too wide for Matteo to not smile back at him, shaking his head at how he’s already passed the point of getting drunk.

“Luigi!” 

Jonas’ arm clings around Matteo’s shoulders, dragging him into a somewhat awkward hug due to how Jonas is standing, but he doesn’t really mind. All he wants is to find a secluded place where he can hide away from the crowd a little, just enough for the music to not be as deafening, and just hang out with his friends. Sure, he knows they’ll want to dance eventually, in their so far unsuccessful attempts to get girls, but it’ll be fine.

He still wants to smoke though, or maybe, it’s more of a need at this point - either way, he pats his pocket and gestures at Jonas until he gets a loud ‘let’s gooo’ in response, before following him through the flat, assuming they’re heading to somewhere less crowded.

They’re almost at the kitchen, with a door to a balcony just in sight, when Matteo spots a familiar face, with the dark curls pushed back a bit, and he can feel his breath falter.

The light of the living room is dim and warm, a polar opposite to the harsh fluorescents he’s seen shadowing this face before, and now, that same face is somehow _glowing._ From the distance, he can’t hear a voice, but the careful smile on his face makes his heart physically clench, and he almost has to force himself to breathe through his nose before his head starts to spin. The guy is talking to Leonie, and despite his _interaction_ with Sara just a week ago, the fact that they know some of the same people makes him seem less unapproachable.

He’s still _very_ unapproachable, though, partly considering Matteo was already overwhelmed as he got here, and fuck, he really needs to smoke.

It takes him a moment to find Jonas again, who hasn’t noticed Matteo’s quick pause from reality, and they head out to the balcony. It’s almost too small for two people, but they don’t care - they just stand close, passing the joint between them, shivering a little from the cold.

“So,” Jonas lowers the joint, handing it to Matteo again, “seen any guy you like?”

He supposes it’s meant as casual, but considering who Matteo actually _had_ seen, it feels too much like getting caught, and Matteo almost coughs as he’s breathing out.

“Uh, no, not really.”

Jonas raises an eyebrow, silently watching his face as if there’s a hidden truth there, and Matteo just shrugs.

“I literally just got here.”

“Mm, true.” Jonas nods, as if in thought, before grinning, and Matteo knows it can’t be anything good.

“You planning on finding one?”

At that, Matteo rolls his eyes, shaking his head so that his hair falls into his eyes, forcing his hand to leave the warmth of his hoodie to push it back again.

“I don’t know, not really.”

“Man, I’m serious, you should get out there.”

And, yeah, Matteo knows Jonas just wants what’s best for him, because he’s the best friend he could ever have, but he’s been out for _a week_ , and the thought of hooking up with some random guy at a party he doesn’t really want to be at just makes him feel worse right now.

Then, the image of _him_ comes back to the front of his mind, almost making his knees go weak, and he knows it’s dumb, but he kind of hopes he’s not straight either.

“Anyway” Jonas continues, when Matteo has been silent for a bit too long, “do you want the guys to know?”

His voice is gentle, without judgement, but Matteo still just shrugs. 

“Yeah, uh, I guess. It’s just… I’m not sure how to tell them, or whatever.”

“Mm.”

Matteo puts the joint to his lips again, leaving Jonas to once again carry the conversation.

“You know they won’t care though, right?”

He assumes Jonas is right, because despite their lack of subtlety and common sense, both Abdi and Carlos are really sweet, in a way he didn’t expect when he’d first start hanging out with them. 

“Yeah, well.” 

Eventually, the joint is out, and as if on cue, someone who Matteo thinks is a friend of Jonas’ taps the glass behind them, making Jonas grin slightly before heading inside, Matteo slowly in tow.

He’s barely closed the door behind him when he feels his skin itch, as if being studied, and when he turns his head, he’s met with the same heavy gaze as a few days ago, making him feel like he’s about to implode. He thinks he should want to hide, shy away from the attention he’s getting, but there’s a look in those eyes that makes him want to be seen, like he’s suddenly realised that it’s all he’s ever wanted. So, instead of pushing through the crowd of people to find his friends, or lock himself in the bathroom to escape the noise, he lets himself glance back at him, lets his eyes meet his.

He thinks his mind goes blank, but he’s not sure, because the rest of his body is buzzing in a way it never does from just smoking, and he’s pretty sure he’s fidgeting, but then, there’s a small, almost intriguing smile on the boy’s face, highlighted by some neon lights he hadn’t noticed before, and Matteo thinks about marble sculptures depicting gods, and then, when he thinks he’s going dizzy, he can see the boy moving from his place by the wall, exiting the room with his eyes still on Matteo, and when he’s out of sight, Matteo can do nothing but follow him. 


	3. David

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains description of drug use, stay safe!

He isn’t about to admit it to anyone, but it’s one of David’s first parties, and it’s a bit weird; the sensation of being around other people outside of school, seeing them differently. He’d been invited by Sara and Leonie, who, as soon as he’d seemed hesitant, had all but dragged him along, promising him a good time. 

So far, it’s been okay. He actually likes most of the music that’s playing, more so than he’d expected. There’s something a bit off with Sara, and it bothers him a bit that he doesn’t know her well enough to know what, but Leonie keeps giving her looks he doesn’t even try to read. They still have fun, though - Leonie seems more determined than ever to keep all their smiles up, making him dance with them in their own little group, not caring too much if they end up looking a little silly. 

After a while, they both disappear to get more drinks, leaving David to his own devices. At first, he just goes through his phone, mostly to text Laura to say he’s doing alright, and then, when it’s back in his pocket, he looks up to actually take in his surroundings. It still feels new, being at a place where no one seems to question why he’s there, or question him at all, too busy catching up with friends and getting a little drunk. He’s pretty sure some of them are more than a little drunk, though, and it wouldn’t surprise him if some of the people moving through the flat are high, but it doesn’t really matter - he’s just trying to have a good time with his newfound friends.

As a song fades out to be replaced by another, he registers a faint sound of a door closing shut, and next thing he knows, he sees him standing there, his blond hair pushed back a bit, and David finds himself staring. 

Somehow, after that first time, David hasn’t seen him _once_ , and maybe, that’s on him. As soon as he’d sense someone looking at him, he would fight the urge to turn around and instead keep his head down, walking through the corridors without hesitation. Sometimes, it’d felt like the stares at his back had the same shape as the gaze he’d met a few days prior, belonging to that same person, but still, he’d refused to look back, knowing he should stay away. He’d almost convinced himself it had never happen, that this boy was just someone he’d imagined in a brief moment of sleep deprivation and lack of actual interactions.

But, now, he’s real, and for some reason, he’s standing across the room, looking at David like _that_ , making his entire body shiver from nerves and something close to excitement. 

And when David decides to hold his gaze a little, the other guy just lets him.

They’re too far away from each other for David to trace the lines of his face, so instead, he just _studies_ him; he tries to read his body language, follows the small movements of his hands, the way his hoodie sits on his upper body, the way his jeans fit. He knows he’s on the verge of something decidedly off limits, and when he moves his eyes to the guy’s face, he can almost make out a small blush despite the shadows darkening his skin.

He pictures himself taking a few steps forward, eyebrows raised in confidence, using it to make this boy offer a name, a voice, anything David could hang on to in order to satisfy his curiosity, growing stronger for every second none of them are looking away. 

The thought itself is almost enough to make him go weak, and the look that’s now steadily on him, seemingly memorising his face is too much. Something about it makes him want to spill his every secret until they’re flooding out over the floor, leaving stains for someone else to clean up.

It makes him feel reckless, and he’s smart enough to know he’s already too weak to reassure himself he won’t do anything _stupid._

He needs to leave.

As he starts moving away from his place against the wall, he still can’t force himself to look away, and neither does _he_ \- instead, he just raises an eyebrow in some sort of confusion, almost in question, but David doesn’t have any answers.

He gives him one last look before moving out of sight, and even though he’s the one who’s leaving, a part of him desperately wants the boy to follow, ignoring the way his body is already on edge from the interaction.

Since he’s a bit dumb, not thinking things through, he doesn’t have a plan and just ends up in the hallway, looking at the door to the apartment and almost considers just leaving in lack of better ideas. 

Before he can even begin to think it through, though, someone’s approaching him, and when he looks back, the guy is _right there_ , a lot closer than before but still keeping his distance. 

Damn, he is pretty up close.

Just as he looks like he’s about to say something, David can hear a vaguely familiar voice, possibly Jonas’, in the background.

“Matteo?”

At this, the guy in front of him swears under his breath, looking like he’s just got caught. David desperately doesn’t want him to leave, but he doesn’t get the chance to do anything before the guy is looking right at him, his hands fumbling with his pockets.

“Uh-” he stutters, then raises a joint from somewhere in his jacket, “wanna come with?”

He hasn’t smoked before, and he’s pretty sure it’ll show, but the voice is so gentle that David can’t do anything but nod, ignoring the slight ache he’s already feeling in his chest. There’s a lot of stupid things David would agree to if this boy - Matteo? - just kept talking to him in that voice, giving him that look, and he reasons that if he has to pick one thing, smoking isn’t the worst.

They find a bench a few feet away from the building, with some greenery surrounding it, and David makes sure not to sit too closely, wanting to maintain some sort of distance.

“What’s your name?”

When he looks over, there’s a light in those blue eyes he hadn’t noticed before.

“David.”

“Mm.” 

He looks like he’s considering it, or considering _him_ , maybe, and David forces himself to breathe naturally.

In the silence, Matteo reaches out his hand, offering the joint, and he knows it’s ridiculous, but their fingers gently brushing against each other feels like touching an electric fence as a kid, just to feel what it’s like.

“You?”

He’s pretty sure he knows, because it feels right, but he still asks.

“Matteo.”

There’s nothing to say to that, really, at least nothing that won’t make him look too affected by this whole thing, so he stays quiet. To his surprise, Matteo doesn’t.

“You’re new here.”

It’s not a question, but his voice is tentative, with an invisible question mark hanging silently between them in the dark.

David just nods, again, because he doesn’t really want to talk about the _why_ and _where_ that’ll inevitably follow. Right now, he just wants to be here.

Matteo studies him for a bit, as if there’s an answer somewhere if he just looks a bit closer, and David blows out some smoke while doing his best not to cough. Then, in some lame attempt to make Matteo not ask him any follow-up questions, he hands the joint back to him.

“You know Jonas, right?”

It’s not what he’d expected, but it’s far enough from the previous subject for David to not feel uncomfortable. 

“Yeah, sort of. We have some classes together.”

Matteo nods, trying to piece something together, but doesn’t say anything for a while. They hand the joint back and forth again, and David wants to kick himself for not knowing what to say, but once again, Matteo steps in.

“He’s a good guy. I’ve known him for years.”

There’s a soft, curved smile on his face, with nostalgia tinting his voice, and David feels like his entire body softens at the sight, every muscle getting less tense.

“Yeah, he seems nice.”

They hadn’t really talked that much, and rarely outside of class, but he had noticed how Jonas would actually pay attention whenever their subject broached on anything slightly political - which were most things - and so far, his opinions were pretty similar to David’s.

“And Leonie?”

His voice sounds… different, somehow, and David wonders briefly when Matteo had even seen them together.

“Uh, we both have advanced P.E.”

“Fuck” Matteo huffs out, like he’s thinking out loud, and when David turns to look at him properly, there’s a definite blush to his cheeks.

He lets himself raise a teasing eyebrow in question, offering Matteo half a smile, and Matteo’s own smile grows a bit wider, despite seeming a bit embarrassed.

“You’re not into sports?”

At that, Matteo breaks into a small, private laugh, and the sound goes directly to David’s head, making his thoughts tangle into something giddy and warm.

“Uh, no, I’m not” he huffs again, almost grinning, and David can’t fight the smile he knows is getting wider on his own face.

They sit like that for a while, both smiling but not really saying anything, and David thinks it feels _simple_ in a way that nothing ever does. Being around other people, especially guys, means not lowering his guard, always being a little on edge, being nice but never honest enough for it to be revealing.

He finds himself, once again, almost wanting to show Matteo something, and he knows the thought isn’t a good one, so he forces himself to find something else to focus on.

“You know Leonie?”

Matteo nods a little, the joint dead by now but still sitting between his fingers, and he raises his other hand to mess up his hair a little. It’s unfair just how distracting the movement is.

“Yeah, well, I guess.”

He doesn’t offer anything else, but David can sense that there’s more to the story, or rather, that there _is_ a story, but he doesn’t feel like prying.

“And Sara?”

It’s the wrong thing to say. He has no idea _why_ , but he can see clearly how Matteo’s eyes turn down towards the ground, and his hands are fidgeting with his jacket, pulling at a loose thread there.

“Not really.” 

His mumble is quiet, barely loud enough to hear, and yet, his voice makes David want to erase the last things he just said, just so that Matteo’s tone wouldn’t sound like that. It’s not sad, really, but… defeated, somehow.

Still, David nods at this, pretends to understand whatever it is Matteo isn’t voicing, as if it makes sense.

“How come you moved here?”

It shouldn’t surprise him that Matteo changes the subject back to David, but the brief sense of relief he’d felt earlier washes away.

In the end, he tells the truth.

“I’m on the run.” 

Well, it’s not _the_ truth, but it’s not a lie, either, and right now, that’s all he can offer.

“Why?”

He’s not sure if Matteo believes him, or just plays along, but either way, his eyes are looking intently at him, his voice sounding intrigued, and the attention makes David feel dizzy. He’s not about to show it, though.

“I killed someone.”

Matteo snorts loudly at this, not turning quiet until he meets David’s eyes again, with David doing his best to look dead serious. Then, as soon as Matteo’s face has turned solemn, David offers him a small grin, and in return, he gets to see the brightest smile on Matteo’s face, probably mirroring his own.

“Alright.”

He shakes his head, making the blond strands of hair fall across his forehead, and fuck, David wants to feel them between his fingers.

Before any of them can say anything else, or turn David’s joke into something more real, Matteo’s phone goes off, and even though Matteo doesn’t answer it, he still looks stressed, staring blankly at the screen.

“Everything okay?”

It comes out too genuine, too gentle, but Matteo barely looks up at him, so David just breathes out a little, shuffling a bit.

“Yeah, uh, just my friends.”

Right.

Somehow, he hadn’t thought about Matteo being there with someone, and the thought of him ditching his friends so they could smoke together makes his breathing hitch. He hadn’t really thought about leaving Leonie and Sara behind, either, despite having just mentioned them, and he’s not sure how long they’ve been on this bench, away from everyone else.

It feels like seconds stretched out over a lifetime, or possibly, the other way around.

“I think I better go” Matteo mumbles, and David nods, not sure if he should head inside to say goodbye to his friends or just head home. 

As soon as they stand up, though, he can feel himself freezing, immediately shoving his hands in his pockets, fidgeting a bit with a piece of paper that’s left there.

“See you around?”

There is something in Matteo’s voice, so careful but still warm, that makes David want to nod his head comically quick, just to show how badly he wants that, this, whatever it is. He forces himself to hold back, though, only tilting his head a bit to the side and offers a small smile in response.

“Yeah.”

As they both get up from the bench, Matteo’s eyes keep glancing over at David, seemingly tracing his face, and if it had been anyone else, David would have felt too bare. Now, though, he can’t help but miss it as soon as Matteo turns around, sort of giving him a small nod before actually leaving.

David’s eyes are fixed on Matteo’s back as he disappears further away, and when he’s completely out of sight, David just breathes, with his eyes closed.

Fuck.

He sends a quick text to Leonie saying he’s going home, because he really doesn’t feel like going back to the apartment to look for her, and then texts Laura that he’s on his way. Then, he grabs his headphones, neatly tucked away in his ridiculously oversized coat pocket, and as the music gently flows through him, he lets his mind fill up with images of Matteo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want, you can find me on tumblr @ thisverygayuniverse


	4. Matteo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit heavy. I hope you're all doing okay ❤

“Matteo!”

He winces at the sound of his name as Jonas spots him, followed by an unnecessarily wide gesture in his direction the second he gets inside.

“Bro, you missed it!” Abdi whisper-shouts, as if whatever he’s referring to is actually supposed to be kept secret.

“Yeah, sorry” Matteo offers, despite not being sorry at all, even less so when he follows Abdi’s gaze to where Carlos and Kiki are giddily making out.

It’s not that surprising, considering they’ve been flirting for a while, but both Abdi and Jonas seem to think this progress is revolutionary.

“Where did you even go?”

Fuck.

It’s one thing being out to Jonas, who in a sober state would be nothing but sweet and supportive, but it’s a completely different thing to mention being into a specific guy when Jonas most likely has no filter, and Abdi is standing next to them, still thinking Matteo is straight. 

He’s not about to talk about David, anyway, because it’s way too soon, undefinable, and mentioning any of it to his drunk friends would possibly ruin everything instantly.

“Uh, just wanted to smoke” he mumbles, despite the loud music probably drowning him out.

Abdi just nods, but his eyes are searching around the room, obviously occupied with another thought process, and Jonas just frowns at him.

Before he can say anything, there’s a loud cheer from somewhere close to them, making Abdi look for the source of it, but Matteo really doesn’t care, and he doesn’t care either when he sees Jonas throwing not so subtle glances at Hanna, who’s carelessly dancing next to Mia, smiling widely.

“I’m gonna go.” It’s just another mumble, and Abdi has already left his side, but Jonas somehow seems to catch it.

“Are you sure?” 

Jonas’ eyes are almost pleading, but at the same time, there’s a bit of a smile on his face, and it’s enough to reassure him that Jonas can manage without him.

“Yeah, not really feeling it.” He shrugs, because he doesn’t have anything else to offer, and Jonas nods again, before bringing him in for a hug that’s on the edge of too tight.

As soon as he’s outside again, the night air cooling his face, the images of David rushes to the front of his mind, and he lets out a weird little giggle before he’s aware enough to stop himself. 

David.

Without being dramatic, Matteo is certain David is the most intriguing person he’s ever met, and probably ever will. Everything from the depth in his eyes, his gaze heavy on Matteo, to his quick answers and private smiles, had made Matteo go a little week with want, hanging off of his every word, every movement. It didn’t matter that David was a bit quiet, because suddenly, Matteo had been fine with doing the talking, as long as it meant he would get _something_ from him - just another soft smile, a careful laugh.

Suddenly, David wasn’t just as unapproachable, not just a dreamlike symbol of everything unattainable, but someone who had willingly followed Matteo out there to smoke, despite not seeming that interested of the actual joint being passed between them.

Somehow, Matteo dares to think that David had wanted to come because of _him_. He doesn’t know why, and really, he doesn’t want to go there, because he doesn’t trust his brain to come up with anything good. Instead, he just lets himself walk home with a dumb smile on his face, while pushing his freezing hands further down in his coat pockets.

He thinks briefly of touching David’s hands, holding them safely in his own, but even just the thought feels off limits, and the small heat rising in his body does nothing to soothe the sensation. 

Matteo wants. He’s not used to it, because he can’t handle the inevitable disappointments that comes with wanting anything, but now, he can’t help but imagining the two of them not leaving the bench, just talking the whole night through, not affected by the hours passing.

The flatshare is dark when he gets home, with the only light spilling out from under the door to Linn’s room, so he just silently heads to his own. Before he’s even gotten out of his hoodie, he slumps down on his bed, with his jeans discarded somewhere on the floor, and for once, the exhaustion is enough to put him to sleep.

When he wakes up at noon, there are several new notifications on his phone, and the thought of any of them being from his mom makes him shut his eyes again, groaning a little as he turns around in the mess of blankets and the hoodie he’s somehow gotten out of during the night. He blinks until his vision is a little less blurry, and the light from his window isn’t hurting his eyes, and instead of checking his texts, he goes to check his instagram notifications.

He smiles when he sees it’s from Hanna, who he vaguely remembers taking photos with him before he went out to smoke, and he swipes through the pictures to see himself in a picture with her and Amira, who at that moment was busy rolling her eyes at him. He doubts he’s in any of the rest, but he still swipes to the next ones, and his heartbeat turns irregular at the sight.

It’s a picture of Mia, smiling at Hanna behind the camera, and right behind her is Leonie, seemingly just noticing the camera and offering a small smile. Next to her, with his face in profile, his hair contrasted by the neon light, is David.

It’s too early to make himself not stare at the picture for a bit too long, and he can feel himself blush as he zooms in, taking in every line of his face, despite the photo getting a bit grainy. His jaw looks smooth, a clean line with the shadows touching it lightly, and from the angle, Matteo can just make out the beginning of a smile on his face.

He is, objectively speaking, breathtaking.

As soon as his brain returns to him, he looks at the tags of the picture, and when there’s nothing on David, he immediately clicks on Leonie’s profile, hoping to get somewhere from there. It feels a bit weird, going through her instagram just to find a guy she seems to know, but at this point, he’s too focused on the task to care. 

Most of the pictures are of her and Sara, which makes his already bad conscience feel a bit worse, but then, he sees a picture of the two of them with David in the middle, his arms loosely around their sides, not smiling but warmth glowing in his eyes even through the screen.

He knows he’s being creepy, but he still takes a screenshot of the post, before forcing himself to exit instagram as soon as he sees there are no tags in the picture, putting an end to his somewhat desperate search. 

As he sits up in bed, he actually checks his messages, scrolling through some texts in his group chat with Jonas and the others. It’s mostly drunken nonsense from the night before, when Matteo had already left, and he doesn’t get much from it except that some girl who wasn’t Sam had talked to Abdi for a while, to Carlos’ mocking disbelief. He rolls his eyes at the suggestive emojis showing up throughout the conversation, not really wanting to know how they feel about different girls they’ve seen in passing, and then, slowly, clicks on the texts from his mom.

It hurts a bit to see the amount of texts that already sits in their conversation that’s read but never replied to, some of which he’d meant to reply to but never did. Something dark tugs inside of his stomach, and it forces him to shut his eyes for a moment to not lose himself to the feeling that’s telling him he’s abandoned her. He’s been down this train of thought too many times already, never ending up anywhere good or even close - the only conclusion he ever finds is that he’s just a result of his parents worst traits, and that thought alone is enough to suffocate him.

Matteo tries to remember his mom. Not the woman who sends bible verses when none of them should be awake, but both of them are, but his mom, who hugs him with a care he’s never found anywhere else, and strokes his hair with loving hands. The same person who, despite sleeping for days, would smile at him through glossy eyes, ask about his day when her days all blurred together in her bedroom, seemingly suspended in time.

He checks her very last texts, and to his relief, it just says she misses him.

It hurts, because it always does, but it’s simple enough for him to reply to. 

To: mama

_I miss you too. Take care_

At least it’s a start.

He sees David two days later, and the timing is possibly the worst.

Carlos had started talking about something Kiki had said, but the conversation had derailed more than once, to the point where Matteo can’t keep up, and to be honest, he’s not really making that much of an effort. He knows he should tell them, and the thought picks at his skull from the inside, like a drum that’s slightly off beat, which makes it impossible to even try to listen to what’s going on, and Jonas sends him a look but he can’t really read it, but it feels like concern, and he’s tired, both of making Jonas constantly worry and because despite actually sleeping, there’s no energy left.

Suddenly, he’s just completely _drained_ , standing in the hallway and forcing his body not to slump down to the floor and spill out like liquid. The lighting is harsh, even more so than usually, a raw white light flickering with a humming sound, like he can actually hear the wavelengths move above them.

“He’s new, right?”

Carlos’ voice somehow breaks through his thought spiral, and when Matteo finally looks back to them, the first thing he sees is David.

He’s at his locker, his back to them as he shuffles through something, and from across the corridors, he could almost be anyone. As Leonie approaches him, though, he spins around, his face opening up a bit in a smile, and _fuck._ He’s not just anyone.

“Yeah, he’s really cool” Jonas hums, and Abdi stares a little, making Matteo force himself to look away from David just for a second to not get caught.

Right at that moment, David turns around, and Matteo is just close enough to catch the surprise on his face, before his eyes lock together with Matteo’s, and his smile grows a bit wider. Although they’re out of earshot, it’s clear that David’s just missed whatever Leonie’s said, and the thought of David focusing on _him_ instead makes Matteo go soft, hoping there’s not a blush on his face. Before David returns his attention to Leonie, he offers a small nod, and Matteo can feel his head copy his movement, not sure if he’s still in the same place in the universe as he’d been a few minutes ago.

“Bro, you know David?” Abdi asks, his eyebrows raised, and Matteo just shrugs.

He wishes he could say yes, and that it’d be true, but so far he barely knows more than he guesses that they do.

“He seems really cool” Abdi mumbles, as if Jonas hadn’t already said as much.

“Yeah” Matteo breathes out, barely aware he’s saying it, and suddenly, his initial thought of David being out of reach comes back.

It’s hitting him in a way that hurts a bit too much for him to try to pretend his feelings are anything casual, and fuck, he doesn’t even know if David likes guys like that, and even so, Matteo is very aware that David can do better than someone like Matteo.

He does try not to go there, but his brain can only be distracted for so long, and his habit to list his own bad trait back to himself is too ingrained not to fall back to. The most obvious one, though, which also hurts the most, is that Matteo isn’t always sure he’s even a good person.

Sure, he _tries_ \- tries to be there for his friends, to help out around the flatshare, to not ignore his mom - but more often than not, he seems to come up short. Fuck, he can’t even concentrate on his friends’ conversation for more than ten minutes before zoning out, too preoccupied by his own shit.

“Hey, you alright?”

When he looks up, Jonas’ face is closer to his than before, and they’ve both fallen two steps behind the others, although he assumes Jonas at least did it on purpose.

"Sure."

He knows it’s not really an answer, but the draining feeling is back in full swing, threatening to drag his body to the floor before he can even make it to their next class, so he doesn’t bother expanding it.

Jonas’ eyes still sit heavy on him, seemingly trying to figure him out, but Matteo feels like his brain is too empty to possibly offer anything of substance. His hands get fidgety, and he starts tapping at his sides just to have something to do, and maybe take Jonas’ attention off of his face.

They get to the classroom, and without even realising it, Matteo has pulled out his phone and is suddenly met with one of the pictures of David, the one with Sara and Leonie where his eyes stare directly at the camera. 

Now, though, he notices there’s a new tag in the picture, and when he clicks on David, he’s redirected to a profile he doesn’t recognise. There’s just one post so far, published late last night, and Matteo’s not sure what it’s supposed to be, other than the ink blue bird in the middle, drawn over different bleak pictures. Somehow, it’s just as mesmerizing as any picture of David would’ve been, and he stares at it for the rest of class, not being able to look away.


	5. David

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains description of drug use, stay safe!
> 
> Thank you as always for your comments ❤

He’s not sure how they ended up here, but David finds himself next to Leonie and Sara in between classes, phone in hand, and creating an instagram handle.

Laura had asked him to get one for  _ years _ , partly because he should showcase his art somewhere but mostly because it’s fun, but having an internet presence felt too much like being exposed to people’s opinions in a way he already was in school - and literally everywhere else - so he’d said no every time she’d asked.

Now, though, Sara had looked almost upset at the knowledge of David not being on instagram, and Leonie had used all her force to convince him why he should have made an account years ago. He only follows the two of them, and then, when they’ve both left to get to another class, he remembers to add Laura, ignoring the fact that she’ll tease him about “abandoning his morals” the next time she sees him.

Despite trying not to, David keeps thinking about seeing Matteo again.

He doesn’t do anything about it, even though he sees him at school; it’s almost always when he’s hurrying to one of his classes, and even when he isn’t, Matteo never seems to be alone. It’s not a bad thing, it just makes it a bit harder for him to even entertain the idea of actually going up to him, or do anything more than just offer a small nod from a distance.

It still makes his heart go soft, though, just seeing the way Matteo would smile at him in what looked like surprise, like he never really expected David to be there. He desperately wants that smile to be directed at him for longer than just fleeting moments when they’re both busy, but so far, he’ll take whatever he can get.

His mind is still occupied with the look of Matteo’s eyes, and trying to pinpoint the feeling he’d sensed there, and he almost doesn’t follow when Laura calls him out the second he gets inside the flat.

“Look who finally caved.”

She’s wearing her biggest grin, even though everything else about her indicates she’s tired, and David just stops for a second as he takes off his jacket.

"Hm?"

Instead of answering, Laura just holds up her phone, waving it in front of his face, with his instagram profile already pulled up.

“Yeah, well” he mumbles as he brings his backpack into the kitchen, “Leonie asked me to.”

Laura just raises an eyebrow from her place at the table, seemingly doing some work on her laptop, before offering an impressed smile. “Good for her.”

In the same way he tries not to think about Matteo, David also tries not to think about his parents - it’s completely different, obviously, but he’s failing at both. While his thoughts about Matteo mostly just makes him question his own self restraint, and possibly adds a blush to his face that he desperately tries to hide whenever he’s in public, his thoughts about his parents are like weights tied to his body, holding him down as he tries to move forward.

His body doesn’t seem to care about just how comfortable Laura’s couch is, because it still takes him hours to fall asleep. He doesn’t talk about it with Laura, but he knows she knows he’s not getting as much sleep as he should - maybe because she doesn’t either, and the signs are hard to miss when they match your own.

At one point during the night, he sits up in pure frustration of not getting anywhere - just tossing and turning, trying out breathing exercises that don’t work - and flicks through one of his sketchbooks, the one he’s currently working on. He’s not sure why, but his hands stop as they reach an image he drew a couple of weeks ago, right before he’d left his parents and ended up here. It’s one of his collages, depicting a bird with damaged wings, and he doesn’t really want to think about why it’s one of his favourites, because he already knows.

Despite being the opposite of  _ fun _ , he takes a picture of it and posts it, not really sure why he wants to share it. Maybe it’s a start, if nothing else.

David has been at his new school for over a month, and he can actually find his way around; he doesn’t really have any trouble getting in time anymore, since he’s figured out the number system for the different classrooms, and he feels like he knows which teachers he can talk to and not. For the most part, though, he only talks to them if he needs to ask questions about something they’d gone over before he transferred. He doesn’t really feel like there is any point getting to know them, with only a month or so left - his plan is still to pass his abi and go as undetected as possible in the meantime.

He keeps noticing, though, how his P.E. teacher throws him weird glances every now and then, as if David isn’t running fast enough even when he’s ahead of everyone else. He tries to shake it off, pinning it on his own insecurities and fears of being found out, but it still gets to him when he’s running next to Sara, and he senses that set of eyes on him, making him want to push himself a little bit more in some sort of spite.

His breath is still a bit short as he leaves the changing rooms after class, and despite talking a bit to Sara and Leonie afterwards, his mind is still fixed on the uneasiness that’s settled on him. That’s why, he reasons, he doesn’t even notice that someone is heading in his direction until Matteo’s voice wakes him up from his thoughts.

“Na?”

It’s one word, but it’s all it takes for David to huff out a weird, stuttering breath in surprise.

Matteo is standing close, but still leaving some distance between them, as if he’s leaving an opening for David to escape through, and his eyes look curious as they move over David’s face, waiting for some sort of response.

“Na” David mumbles, and  _ God _ , he needs to get a grip.

“I was gonna, uh,” Matteo starts, then just waves his hand in front of David, his finger clutched around a lighter. 

“Oh, cool.”

He’s not sure if it’s meant as an invitation or an excuse for Matteo to leave, and he doesn’t want to assume either way, so instead, he just stands there.

Before Matteo says anything, or just leaves, he lets himself study David’s face, and David can’t stop himself from doing the same - there’s a blush high on Matteo’s cheeks, touching his pale cheekbones, and there’s something about it that feels so endearing, gentle.

There’s a moment when they both seem to realise what they’re doing, and that no one is saying anything, and Matteo’s gaze falls to the floor, with a shy smile spreading on his lips. It’s _cute_ , and David knows he needs to do something to keep this for a little longer. 

“Can I join you?”

The surprise is visible on Matteo’s face, but as soon as it’s there, it turns into a confident smile, making David want to swear under his breath at the sight.

“Yeah, ‘course.”

It looks like he’s trying to hide his smile when David starts walking beside him, and David guesses he’s not much better, but still, it’s nice.

They end up at a secluded area behind the art building, where the wind doesn’t really reach them due to the concrete walls, and Matteo swiftly lights a joint before offering it to David, not even taking a hit first.

“Thanks” he whispers, trying to remember how he’d done it the last time they’d smoked together, then putting the joint to his lips and inhaling.

It’s easy, despite his lungs feeling a bit restrained from running, and after a while he’s focusing solely on making conversation, listening to Matteo’s every word and finding himself laughing a little at his jokes.

Matteo is in the middle of a rant David’s not really sure he remembers the start of, but now, it’s about something that happened in Maths with Jonas, when he’s interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing. David studies him as his brows furrow, before taking out his phone from his pocket and staring at the screen for a split second. As he answers it, he seems to realise he can’t really do anything with the joint, and as the other person seemingly answers, Matteo absentmindedly hands David the joint, and David tries not to react at how Matteo’s hand lingers for a moment.

He tries not to listen in on the conversation, and he doesn’t really get anything from Matteo’s small hums anyway.

When he’s done, Matteo just pockets his phone with a small sigh, not really giving David any clues to go on, and David just offers the joint back as he gives him a tentative look. He’s not sure if he lets his own hand linger a bit this time, but if he does, he pretends not to.

“Everything alright?” 

Matteo looks up at him as if he’d forgotten where he was for a moment, then bites at his lip like he’s unsure what to say.

“Yeah, it’s just.. my flatmate needs his keys back, ‘cause i couldn’t find mine, so I need to head home.”

His rambling is a bit of a mess, but at the same time, it’s too endearing for David to care about the actual details of it. Then, he realises that Matteo said he needs to leave, and there’s a small panic moving through his chest, desperately finding reasons to keep hanging out.

“You could.. uh, come with? I mean, if you want,” Matteo starts, his eyes filled with the same uncertainty David carries in his own, and before he can continue, David nods in a way he knows is a bit too eager.

“Yeah, sounds good.”

He hadn’t noticed Matteo’s shoulder getting tense, but now, he can see them drop a bit in relief, and he thinks that it means something that they both refuse to let go of whatever this moment is, like they both desperately want it to continue.

It doesn’t take them long to make it to Matteo’s place, and whenever David looks over at him, Matteo’s face is already turned towards him, his smile glistening in the afternoon sun. He’s quick to look away, though, and David has to keep himself from pouting whenever he does.

He shouldn’t be surprised when Matteo opens the door to a flatshare, since Matteo had literally mentioned living with other people, but it still feels a bit off when a guy hurries past them, takes the keys from Matteo’s extended hand and blows a kiss their way before disappearing down the stairs they’d just climbed.

“That’s Hans” Matteo mumbles, still with the traces of a smile on his face, and David just nods, not sure what he should say.

He’s not sure what to do with his beanie, and he feels a little awkward clutching it in his hands until he decides to just throw it aside. Matteo’s already heading further in, and David follows him into a small kitchen, smiling at Matteo’s open arms. “Welcome.”

“Thanks.” He doesn’t really know where to go, so he just sits down at the closest chair and fiddles with the arms of his sweater.

There’s nothing special about the kitchen, really, but David still finds little knick-knacks that makes him wonder about the people living here, who gets to see Matteo in the light from the open fridge and doesn’t think the shapes dancing on his face are anything special.

He realises for a second that there’s a possibility of him having a girlfriend, and maybe, she actually sees him just like that, but he pushes down the thought like he’s wrestling it, holding it down to the floor until it’s gone.

“You want anything?”

Matteo’s voice is soothing, simple, and David looks up to see Matteo studying him in a way that he’s not entirely comfortable with - like he’s trying to figure out his every secret just by offering him that small smile. David is afraid that he’d succeed.

“Uh, sure” he mumbles, before his brain catches up and he realises Matteo is obviously talking about food, with the fridge still open.

“Cool.”

They end up finding different boxes of leftover takeout, which Matteo promises are still good, and David just takes his word for it as Matteo piles them onto the counter. 

“Uh, do you… should we watch something?”

His voice comes out a bit nervous, and his lip is caught between his teeth, and fuck, David really wants to do something stupid.

“Yeah, okay” he stutters, trying to smooth out his words with a somewhat confident smile, hoping Matteo won’t see right through him.

Instead of saying anything, Matteo just lets out a small breath, then nods to himself and lets the smile on his face widen a little, before guiding David to his bedroom.

David realises he hasn’t thought this through. Not only this, specifically, but the entire situation of following Matteo home, thinking he can stay casual and distant. Now, as Matteo carefully places the boxes on his bed and places his laptop in front of them, waiting for David to join him, it hits him how _reckless_ he’s been.

Still, he makes his way over there, careful not to sit too close to Matteo, but their knees still end up touching when Matteo shuffles around a bit, and David has to force himself to breathe naturally.

The food is pretty good, and it’s easier than he’d thought to just sit next to Matteo and laugh at whatever stupid show they’re watching, especially when he gets to see Matteo laugh so freely, like he is finally relaxed. It’s not until the episode is done, and the leftover boxes are already discarded at the floor next to the bed, that Matteo seems to remember that this isn’t something that they normally do - or that there is _anything_ they normally do.

David isn’t sure he wants to know what’s on his mind, because his eyes look too sincere, too honest, and David doesn’t feel like he has anything to offer him.

“How come you live here?”

It’s not the right thing to ask, but it’s too late, and Matteo looks up at him without saying anything. Somehow, his eyes look even more honest, and it almost hurts to see.

“Well,” he starts, and despite regretting the question, David holds his breath as he desperately waits for him to continue.

“My dad’s in Italy, and.. I can’t live with my mom, so.”

If anything, the answer only raises more questions, but David knows better than to ask him any of them.

Matteo seems tired, suddenly, in a way David has only seen at school, or think he’s seen, never being close enough to tell. Before David can respond, Matteo falls back on the bed, eyes closed shut, and drags his hands over his face.

“It’s just a lot” Matteo mumbles, and David doesn’t think he was meant to hear it.

“I get it” David mumbles back, because he thinks, unfortunately, that he does. Not unfortunate for him, but because he wishes Matteo didn’t have anything in his past that was similar to David’s.

He thinks Matteo is going to ask him about it, ask what he means, ask if he lives with his parents, and David knows it’s his own fault for prying into Matteo’s life when he really, really shouldn’t. Instead, though, Matteo just looks up at him, hands lowered, studying David’s face so openly that David is afraid he’ll start to blush.

“That sucks” he mutters, and just like that, the fear leaves David’s body and is replaced by a sense of relief he doesn’t recognise.

“Yeah” David agrees, then, because he doesn’t know what to do, lightly kicks at Matteo’s shin.

“Ass” Matteo laughs out, but it makes him sit up again, and David is laughing too, almost grinning at this point.

They keep kicking each other, and Matteo shoves him away with his hands on David’s shoulders, making David fight back because he’s nothing if not competitive, and when they’ve both given up, his cheeks hurt from smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want, you can find me on tumblr @ thisverygayuniverse


	6. Matteo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard for me to write, I really hope you enjoy it. ❤

David is in his room, on  _ his _ bed, and Matteo tries to come up with a scenario where he doesn’t ruin whatever is going on here.

His cheeks are pink from laughing, giving a warmth to his already glowing skin, and Matteo can’t stop himself from feeling mesmerised by it. He looks good, is the thing. It’s obviously an understatement, when David in fact looks like a god amongst mortals, and it would’ve been enough to make Matteo insecure if it wasn’t for the fact that David keeps laughing at his stupid jokes, keeps rolling his eyes whenever Matteo dares to mock him a little. There isn’t even that much to mock David for, so it’s mostly just about being a jock, earning him a lecture from David on how this isn’t some high school film and that he, in fact, “has more interests than that.”

“What are your interests, then?” Matteo smiles, trying to hide just how much he actually wants to know.

David’s eyes soften a little at that, like he’s not sure if Matteo actually cares but suspects that he does.

“I like to make films. And art. Sometimes I think it’s just the same thing but taking different shapes, you know? If that makes sense.”

He almost shakes his head at himself, like he’s about to regret his confession, but Matteo nods before he can do so.

“That’s really cool.”

His voice almost sounds sad, and he sort of hates himself for it, but David just stares at him, and the darkness of his eyes feels so deep, endless.

For a moment, none of them really says anything. He can hear his own breathing too loudly in the quiet between them, and for a second, he thinks David is leaning closer, even though he knows it's nothing but wishful thinking.

"What about you?"

He's not prepared for David's voice to drag him out of whatever daze he's in, and even less prepared to think a coherent thought.

"What?"

David smiles softly, like he finds Matteo's lack of focus endearing, then tilts his head a bit.

"What are you into?"

It takes him everything to not say _you_ , which could possibly ruin whatever's happening completely, and tries to come up with anything that doesn’t make him sound stupid.

The thing is, though, Matteo doesn't have that much going on. Other than scrolling on his phone and failing to pay attention in class, he's mostly in bed, either sleeping too much or not at all.

He's not ready to admit all of that to David, though.

"Uh, don't know" he shrugs, his voice too quiet.

"I thought you liked video games" David mumbles, then looks down as soon as Matteo looks up at him.

He tries to remember them talking about it, but he's pretty sure they haven't; his brain might be shitty, but when it comes to David, it seems like every detail is safely stored away for him to go through later on.

Matteo wonders briefly if Jonas could have told him, and then inevitably wonders if David has thought about it, _him_ , enough to remember.

"Yeah, well, that's a given" Matteo breathes out, still a bit occupied with his own thoughts, and David lets out a small giggle that makes Matteo's body squirm with giddiness.

"Mm, I see" David nods, before his smile turns into a bright grin, showing his pink gums.

He wants to say something in retaliation, like he's not embarrassingly affected by David's smile, or by the way his eyes light up.

The silence that falls between them isn't uncomfortable, but Matteo still feels like it's too much, with David's eyes almost leaving burn marks on his skin where his gaze lingers for a little too long. A part of him wants David to know him, whatever that means, but he doesn’t seem like the kind to ask twice about anything, and Matteo isn’t sure where to begin. Instead of trying to sort his thoughts out about himself, he settles for the easier route.

“Do you play, then?”

David nods a little, like he’s aware of the different directions their conversation could have taken and has seen Matteo pick the safest one.

“Mostly just Zelda.”

He smiles a little, and Matteo lets himself smile, too, because at least they have that in common.

“Mm.” 

He should say something that’s more than just a hum, but being around David makes his brain a bit slow, or maybe it’s the weed, or a mixture of both; either way, he feels like any social skill he’s had has been thrown out the window the second David entered his room and sat down _on his bed._ They are still sitting on his bed. Right.

David doesn’t seem to mind, though - no matter how boring answers Matteo gives him, he still offers a smile that’s warm enough to bring a glowing heat to Matteo’s chest, through the layers of clothes, seeping through the fabric like a beam of light.

It almost feels like he’s allowed to take his time, without forcing himself to say something just to not raise suspicion the way he does with his friends.

“I like food, too. Like, cooking,” Matteo tries to explain, gesturing without really knowing what he’s aiming for with the weird movements of his hands.

“Really?”

There’s a curiousness to David’s tone, making it brighter, and he tilts his head again as if he’s trying to figure Matteo out, see if it’s some sort of bluff he can reveal.

“Mmhm,” Matteo agrees, putting on an overly confident face, “I make the best pasta.”

“Well,” David starts, with something new in the way he looks at him, something that Matteo can’t really put his finger on but was decidedly not there before, “I guess we’ll see.”

It’s something about the promise, or suggestion, that has a weight to it, and Matteo tries not to show just how fast the heat is spreading through his limbs at the thought of David inviting himself over for Matteo to _cook for him_. He must do a shit job, though, because David’s smile turns a bit less certain, like he’s only now realising the implications of his words, and Matteo notices how he starts fidgeting with his hands again.

All he really wants to do is to put them in his own hands, intertwining their fingers and brush over the knuckles just to see what it’d feel like, trace the lines of his palms with his fingertips.

He's startled out of his thoughts by the sound of one of their phones, and he takes a moment to try to remember where he left it before he sees David looking at his own vibrating in his hand, not doing anything about it.

"It's my sister" David mumbles, with a sigh that Matteo thinks is supposed to mean something he doesn't get. "I should get going."

"Oh."

He can hear the sadness in his own voice all too clearly, and he hopes David doesn't pick up on it. When he looks over to where David is already shuffling off the bed, Matteo thinks he sees a sadness there, too, and he's not sure if he should be relieved by it or not.

They're in the hallway, and David just stands at the door without actually leaving, like he wants to say something first. It makes Matteo's body itch, and the silence is too heavy this time, he so decides to say something instead.

"I didn't know you had a sister."

He can't read whatever's written in David's eyes as they look up at him - surprise, maybe, but it feels more complex than that.

"Yeah, well" David shrugs, his voice barely audible despite the quiet. His eyes move over Matteo's face, once again leaving phantom-like burn marks wherever they land, and Matteo catches the precise moment when something in them shifts.

"Goodbye, Matteo."

"Uh, see you" he stutters out, almost in a hurry, and David smiles carefully before he disappears down the stairs.

He is grateful that the flat is empty, because at least now he gets to process his feelings in peace as soon as David has left.

At first, he sort of just stands there and blinks at the closed door, trying to take in that David had actually been there, in his flat, and that now, they sort of know each other. In whatever way that means, and regardless of what Matteo _wants_ it to mean. He really isn’t ready to think about what it means to David, because no matter the blush he’s sure is still on his face, he’s not foolish enough to think he’s got a chance there, at least not at being anything other than some guy from David’s new school.

“Matteo?”

Hans’ face is peeking through the slightly open door when Matteo looks up from where he’s half sitting, half lying down on his bed, trying not to think about how his bedsheets have a different scent to them than they’ve had before.

“Yeah?”

Apparently, that’s enough of a confirmation, because Hans opens the door wide and sits down across from him on the bed, smiling before pocketing his phone.

“I’ve been thinking,” he starts, a mischievous look on his face.

“Oh god” Matteo mutters, immediately earning him a slap on the knee.

“ _Anyway_ , there’s this club I’m going to this weekend, and you never leave the flat, so I’m bringing you with me.”

Before Matteo can even process the information enough to argue against it, Hans moves a bit closer, looking at him with an almost stern face.

“It’s just one night, and I _promise_ you’ll have fun.”

He knows he doesn’t really have a good defence here, but he still sighs, eyes closed before he tries to come up with something.

“Can’t you bring someone else?”

“This isn’t about me looking for company,” Hans explains, his eyes suddenly filled with something closer to kindness, “I’ll have other friends there. I just want you to have some fun for a change.”

Fuck, it makes him sound so sad.

Matteo shrugs again before he finally looks up, and he wishes Hans’ face wasn’t so honest, and that he couldn’t see every emotion so clearly displayed there.

He’s right, though; Matteo hasn’t really had _fun_ in a while, and he can’t remember the last time Hans asked him about something without Matteo turning him down. The realisation makes him feel like a bit of an asshole, and the fact that Hans hasn’t called him out on it yet just adds to the shitty feeling.

“Yeah, alright, I’ll go.”

Despite the fact that he really doesn’t want to go, the surprised smile on Hans’ face is almost worth it. At worst, he reasons, he’ll just get bored or a little antsy, make up some excuse and leave an hour in or so, and Hans probably won’t mind all that much since he still _tried._

He doesn’t know why he’s awake when the screen on his phone shows 5 AM, leaving him with at least two or three more hours of sleep, and his body still too tired. There’s some ruckus from the room one floor up, and he assumes that’s what woke him up, even though he usually isn’t a light sleeper once he’s actually fallen asleep.

There are a few unread texts that weren’t there when he’d forced himself to try to sleep, and after a quick glance, he realises they’re all from his mom.

From: mama   


_ I am sorry about the years I lost you, my dear _

From: mama

_ I was so scared for you, Matteo _

From: mama

_I used to think this was contagious, I’m sorry_

It’s too hard to breathe. The lack of air in his dark bedroom makes his chest feel closed off, and despite already feeling a bit cold, he leaves the comfort of his duvet and opens the door to the balcony, shivering when the air touches the hairs on his bare legs.

There had been a time, maybe a year, maybe two, when he’d barely seen her. He had still lived at home, ‘cause he was around twelve, and his dad still lived there, too, and he didn’t suspect what was to come, even though it feels inevitable looking back.

He’d fallen into a routine of waking up, quietly eating toast in the kitchen with his dad already in a bad mood, his mom nowhere to be found, and he didn’t dare to break the silence to ask his dad about it. Then, he’d come home after school, and sometimes he’d find his mom in the kitchen, just sitting at the table with an untouched cup of tea that had already gone cold, as if she wasn’t even aware of making it.

Other days, he’d follow Jonas home after school, still making sure to get home before his dad would, and there would be an eerie silence, making him feel like he was trespassing as he’d make his way up the stairs. Then, he’d peek through the small gap at the slightly open door to his parents’ bedroom, and he didn’t need to get closer to know that the figure lying on its side under multiple blankets, with the curtains shut and the room dark, was his mom.

In the beginning, he’d actually go inside, carefully placing himself on the other side on the bed with a quiet “are you okay?” with his voice slightly cracked, and without turning to him, his mom would take a shaky breath, followed by, “I’m just tired, Matteo”, putting an end to any possible conversation.

Once or twice, before he’d gotten used to it, he’d try to cheer her up, despite feeling a bit childish about it; he’d make her food he knew she really liked, bring her tea with honey when she hadn’t left her room for too long, ask about her day the second he got home. He stopped, though, when he realised her voice just grew even more distant, and whenever he’d put a hand on her shoulder, she’d retreat, like she didn’t want him to be around.

That last memory is what finally brings tears to his eyes as he realises he’s still on the balcony, shaking from the cold in his boxers and t-shirt, before swearing under his breath and going back inside, leaving the door slightly open. Fuck. He finds his favourite hoodie to hide in and forcefully pushes away the wetness from the corners of his eyes, opening and closing his fists until it almost hurts.

He gets it, is the thing.

He gets the feeling, now, of not wanting anyone to see the bad parts, or get too close when you feel like your very presence is something toxic. He imagines it again, the younger version of him on his mother’s bed, wanting to hug her but forcing himself not to, and the notion of her just wanting to protect him from herself makes his chest feel too tight again.

He wishes he could go back to sleep, but he knows he would just end up tossing and turning in frustration until his alarm went off.

Instead, he puts on some sweatpants, puts his phone away and heads to the kitchen to make coffee, watching the first glimpse of morning entering through the kitchen window as he listens to the sound of the coffeemaker slowly starting up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to, you can find me on tumblr @ thisverygayuniverse


	7. David

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains description of drug use, as always stay safe!

“Guess what?”

He’s on the couch, his homework abandoned on the table and his hands instead occupied with tracing the first lines of something in his sketchbook, when Laura walks into his line of vision, her face giving nothing away.

David shuffles a bit so that he’s sitting up a bit more and decides to put down his things, giving Laura his undivided attention. 

“What?”

She’s not even bothered by his lack of engagement, just keeps her smile and heads straight to the point.

“Someone two stairs up wants to switch apartments.”

It takes him a second to process the words, then, it hits him with great force.

“Wait, really?”

“Mmhm” Laura confirms, her smile determined, “so say goodbye to the couch.”

He blinks, trying to let the information sink in properly, waiting for the good feeling he knows should plant itself in his chest at the news. Still, he offers Laura a genuine smile, getting a similar one in return before she shoves him and heads to bring out some boxes from when she’d moved in a few years ago.

David doesn’t really have things here, other than the few things he brought with him the night he left - which, in hindsight, wasn’t the most thought-out combination of things. His art stuff barely takes up half a box, and when he’s filled the rest of the space with some clothes, his gym back easily fits whatever’s left.

Despite having lived there for a while, Laura doesn’t actually own most of the things in the apartment; almost all furniture came with the place, and whatever decorations Laura’s used to make it feel like a proper home all fit in a tote bag, neatly folded together in an array of bright colours.

The actual process of moving goes smoothly, despite it just being the two of them, and once they’ve settled in into the larger apartment, David feels nothing but relief and excitement. Here, there’s two bedrooms, one of which has a small desk where David’s already placed his stack of notebooks, taking his first step into making the room feel a bit like his own. He knows it will need a lot more, and that it’ll take time, but now, he has a place to call his home.

He tries not to think about the sudden feeling of something gone missing as he walks through the hallways with Leonie and Sara, day after day, without as much as a glimpse of a weirdly patterned jacket or blond hair. He tries even harder to not let it get to him when, a few days into the week, he sees Jonas hanging out with Matteo’s other two friends, and Matteo’s absence feels so palpable that it almost throws him off balance, making him turn his head to see if Matteo’s on his way over to them.

As he leaves his last class on Friday, Leonie tugging his arm a little to catch up with her, he still hasn’t seen him, and he knows it’s at least partly the reason to why he’s feeling a bit low. He’s still grateful for Leonie and Sara, who rarely leaves him alone long enough for him to feel too lonely, but there’s a part of him that’s painfully aware of what’s missing.

“You ready?” Laura calls out, and David keeps studying his reflection, traces the way his dark pants fits and how the shirt does a good job with hiding his binder, but still shows off his arms in a way that makes him feel a bit more confident.

“Sure” he calls back, not sure if it’s technically true, but he doesn’t think it’ll get better any time soon.

It’s not his scene, but there’s a girl performing there (David thinks she’s a DJ, but he can’t remember), and he’d noticed Laura’s eyes almost glisten as she’d mentioned the girl in question the first time they’d talked, and then even more so when she had told him about tonight, and how it was at a bar she’d wanted to go to, so he had offered to come with. If nothing else, it made him feel less guilty about the work she’d put in to get them a place to live, when he’d been busy trying and failing to write essays and not think about the empty feeling in his chest.

Either way, it’s not that bad as they get there, partly due to Laura looking a little nervous, giving him a chance to tease her a bit for it. There’s a pride flag at the entrance, and it doesn’t take long for him to notice the string of flags in blue, pink and white, making his shoulders ease a little as he follows Laura through the crowd of people.

He can pinpoint the exact moment Laura spots her, because she almost takes a step back, and the look on her face is less certain than it’d been two minutes ago.

“Go talk to her” he mumbles, just loud enough for her to hear, along with a small nudge in her side.

“We just got here” she argues, looking around the room in the search for something else to focus on than the fact that she’s stalling for time for no reason.

“Come on, show her you’re cool” David insists, with enough of a teasing voice for Laura to turn to him and give him a look that tells him to shut up, but also that she _is_ cool, actually.

It’s exactly the reaction he’d wanted from her, and it’s also all it takes for her to seemingly get herself ready to leave him, eager to show just how _not_ nervous she is.

“Have fun without me” she smiles before she disappears into the crowd, and his eyes follow her head of hair get further away until she’s standing in front of _the girl_ , who’s already giving her a curious smile.

David is just about to go look for something to drink, maybe find a better place than the middle of the room to stand by himself for a bit and wait for Laura to get back, when his eyes drift over the people moving and he spots a familiar face in the other end of the room, sending sparks through David’s body before their eyes have even met.

There, with an unconvincing smile on his lips, is Matteo, his arms just hanging against his sides, and David’s brain has to do a double-take.

He’s standing next to Hans, seemingly listening to whatever the he’s animatedly talking about, snorting and rolling his eyes when Hans’ hand gestures get wider. Right before David can wonder if they’re a couple, a guy he doesn’t recognise grabs Hans by the arm, and Matteo is left shaking his head at them, and despite the distance, it’s way too cute.

It’s not a decision as much as it is his body moving on impulse, without checking in with his brain first, and before he can even think of something to say, he’s a few feet away from Matteo, who’s still hasn’t seen him.

“Hi.”

The blond strands of hair previously covering his eyes a bit swoops away as his head shoots up, and David’s met with Matteo’s blue, wide eyes, looking at him like he’s a mythical creature.

“You’re here” Matteo stutters out, like he doesn’t really believe it.

There’s something to his voice, something about the way the words come out, that makes him sound different, like he isn’t sure they speak the same language, or if they do, Matteo isn’t sure which one.

“Yeah” David offers, because he’s still not prepared for seeing Matteo after a week of missing him - yes, he admits it, he’s missed him - and seeing Matteo now, so close, in a place he’s never been before, makes his body tense with nerves.

“Who… are you here with someone?”

David tries to read his expression, to see if there’s anything else behind the question, but Matteo still just looks a bit uncertain.

“Well, my sister” David shrugs, well aware of how lame he’s sounding, and he can see the unmistakable relief in Matteo’s eyes as he lets himself study his face.

Instead of answering, Matteo just nods, and David is pretty sure his smile widens as well, like Matteo physically can’t hide his emotions.

“Hans forced me here” Matteo explains, even though David had guessed as much, and then, David realises what kind of place this is, and wonders for a second if the forcing part was necessary or not.

He doesn’t say anything about it, though, because he doesn’t know a good way to ask if Matteo is straight or not, and even if he isn’t, David isn’t sure he’s ready to do anything with that information yet.

“You look good today” Matteo mumbles, almost sounding like he’s not aware his saying it, and David can feel his cheeks burn a little at the words, forcing him to look down. 

Fuck.

When he looks up again, he can see Matteo’s face tainted pink, and his eyes are tracing David’s movements, gauging his reaction, and it just makes the room feel too hot, despite it not being that crowded yet.

He doesn’t need to look at Matteo to return the compliment, or for it to be true; still, he lets his eyes drop from Matteo’s face, take in the sight of his buttoned-up shirt and dark jeans, looking different than usual but still looking so _Matteo_ that David can’t help but smile as he looks up again, meeting Matteo’s gaze head-on. He’s stunning.

“So do you.”

The look on Matteo’s face as the words reach him is possibly the prettiest sight David’s ever seen, and fuck, if a simple compliment is all it takes to see it, David could easily provide. The blush on Matteo’s face creeps lower on his neck, a nice contrast to his pale skin, and David has to force himself to not stare for too long.

He wants to ask Matteo where he’s been, and more importantly, if he’s okay, but it feels like the wrong place, and going by the cheers starting to get louder, the maybe DJ Laura has a crush on is probably about to start, and David just want to get Matteo to himself a little longer. 

Before he can do anything, though, someone spills their drink right next to them, and suddenly, Matteo’s hand is on his elbow, probably saving him from whatever content in the empty cup.

He just manages to get out a small “thanks” before they both make their way through the growing crowd, and David has time to notice how Matteo moves like he’s on a mission, in a way he’s never seen him before. As soon as they’ve reached a more secluded area, though, Matteo turns around and looks at him with a face that’s somehow even less sure than earlier, like he’s just now realised he didn’t have a plan, and David tries to hide the grin on his own face.

They’re in a corner where the lights hit them a bit differently, making the lines of Matteo’s face stand out, and David wants to feel them under his fingertips, see if the skin is as soft as it looks. He doesn’t trust himself not to.

“I haven’t seen you in a while” he mumbles, before he can do anything else, and Matteo’s eyes drop to the floor, looking like he’s trying to make his mind up.

Instead of giving him an answer that would explain anything, he tilts his head back up, something almost daring in his eyes.

“You’ve looked for me?”

His voice is innocent, and his smile is somewhat shy, but there’s no doubt he knows what he’s doing. He must know what that does to him, right?

“What if I did?”

As soon as he’s said it, he wants to take it back, because it’s too much too soon, and the way Matteo leans forward makes a slight panic spread through his chest, along with the excitement of having him this close.

He’s pretty sure that if he kissed him right now, Matteo wouldn’t pull away, and it’s the scariest thought he’s had - because then, the only thing stopping him is his own self restraint, and he’s not sure how long he can keep it up.

“Do you, uh, want to smoke?” David tries, even though he doesn’t have anything to offer, just assuming Matteo does.

The question obviously catches him off guard, because Matteo blinks in what looks like confusion before he nods, not giving anything away as he shrugs and starts making his way to the closest exit sign.

David realises it’s a bad idea as soon as the door closes behind him. Out here, there’s no loud music cutting them off, no crowd to make them lose focus of their conversation; it’s just the two of them, breathing slowly as Matteo searches his jacket for a lighter and puts the joint to his lips.

Somehow, he looks even better out here, and David can’t shake the feeling of being too hot, despite the cool air hitting his face as he turns his head away from Matteo, needing to catch his breath.

“Can I ask you something?”

When he looks over to him again, Matteo’s eyes look pensive, and he’s holding out the joint to David, like he’s not expecting him to actually answer.

Before he can think it through, he finds himself nodding as he reaches out his hand, careful not to linger as his skin meets Matteo’s.

“Are you and Leonie a thing?”

David almost coughs, and just manages to force it down in his chest before breathing out. If Matteo notices, he doesn’t say anything, just holds his gaze steadily on David’s face.

“No” he breathes out, aiming for neutral, but not sure if his voice gives him away.

He guesses that it means something, both that Matteo actually asked him, and the fact that it’s something he’s been thinking about. Instead of asking anything back, or tease him for even asking that, he just keeps looking straight on, refusing to look at Matteo before he’s collected himself a bit.

When he finally does, Matteo’s face is open, vulnerable almost, and fuck, David doesn’t know how to do this, how to keep himself away. A part of him thinks it could be easy, just lean closer to Matteo, let himself kiss him and be kissed back, to finally feel what it would be like.

“Can I...” Matteo starts, nodding at the joint, and David hurriedly hands it over, not even hiding how he presses his hand to Matteo’s in a way that isn’t really necessary.

He follows the smoke that leaves Matteo’s lips, sees it disappear and mix together with the dark sky, and for a second, Matteo closes his eyes, making David’s heart clench at the sight.

Fuck.

“I thought tonight would be shit” Matteo mumbles under his breath, his eyes still closed, and David can feel the concern spreading in his chest, feel it painted on his face despite not wanting to give himself away.

“But?” David tries, because he needs to do this, needs to listen to whatever Matteo has to offer.

At that, Matteo actually looks over at him, taking his time to put out the finished joint before answering.

“I didn’t think you’d be here. Or, like it was even a possibility” Matteo starts, and it makes David feel weird, even though he assumes that’s not what Matteo meant.

“I just… didn’t think I’d get to see you.”

It sounds so definite, like he’d thought about it in terms of _forever_ , and had come to the conclusion that their paths would never cross again, despite constantly seeing each other in the hallways.

David still doesn’t know what to say, still isn’t ready to _do_ anything, so he doesn’t; he just waits, his eyes heavy on Matteo, until Matteo speaks up again.

“Everything is just so fucked up.”

Maybe it’s the way Matteo closes his eyes again, like he’s not prepared for David’s reaction, or the way his voice sounds like he’s giving something up, his breathing mixed with a low sigh, that makes David turn his body to him, not touching but close enough for David to see every spot on Matteo’s face.

Suddenly - or maybe it’s not that sudden at all, maybe David’s just pushed it down - he wants to offer Matteo everything, if it meant that he wouldn’t look this sad, like something is physically holding him down as he stands with his back to the wall, still just breathing slowly.

He still can’t make himself say anything, so he just moves closer, until their shoulders are touching, and Matteo raises an eyebrow, his lips carefully turning into the beginning of a smile.

They’re both leaning in, and David can feel his pulse racing in his chest, and his brain is telling him to pull away and run in the other direction, because this can only end in heartbreak, and he’s too smart to let everything get ruined again.

But Matteo’s glancing up at him through his lashes like David holds his every secret, and Matteo is leaving them there for safekeeping, trusting David to fold his hands around them and hand over his own, and David has to close his eyes to not get overwhelmed by it.

As he feels Matteo’s forehead against his own, his breath hitches, and he almost stumbles backwards before tilting his head away. Then, Matteo’s eyes stare directly into his, confusion tinting his face, and instead of running, David instinctively puts his arms around Matteo’s shoulders and pulls him into a hug that’s so tight he forgets how to breathe, or maybe it’s the scent of Matteo that suddenly fills his lungs, leaving no room for anything else.

He can feel Matteo’s breath on his neck, can feel his body shake slightly against his own, but as long as he can hold him there, stopping them from going any further but still getting to have _this_ , David thinks they’re safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me @ thisverygayuniverse on tumblr if you want to talk ✨


	8. Matteo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter mentions drug use, stay safe!

More than anything, Matteo just wanted to forget about the past week, which had been spent in his room, smoking too much and sleeping too little, not making an active decision to ditch class but instead waking up from a nap with a body too heavy to even try to leave the flat. He wished he could say he hadn’t let his bad mood - if he could even call it that, it sounded too simple - affect anyone else, but he knew it had. He had barely responded to any texts, except one from Jonas that had sounded too worried for him to ignore, and he had been aware of his flatmates keeping an eye on him throughout the week.

He hadn’t been sure what to expect of a night out at a club - a gay club - with Hans. He wasn’t even out to anyone but Jonas, even though he sometimes got the feeling that Hans suspected it, and clubs in general wasn’t his thing, and he doubted he’d have fun despite Hans’ promise that he would.

As soon as they’d gotten there, though, Matteo had felt excitement spreading through his limbs, together with a nervous energy that made his arms feel too stiff, forcing him to shake them a little as they made their way inside.

Hans had glanced over at him, trying to read his expression, and when he probably decided he didn’t look like he was about to have a breakdown, he’d lost his tentative expression and introduced him to a few of his friends, constantly wearing his brightest smile. His energy was contagious, and Matteo couldn’t stop himself from smiling, too, even when he’d feel a stranger’s gaze on him, tracing his body in a way that felt like too much.

Eventually, after talking to Hans about nothing in particular for a while, a guy Hans had introduced as his _friend_ had come up to them, giggling close to Hans ear before tugging at his arm, and Matteo had promised he’d be okay on his own before Hans had let himself be swept away. 

Then, as if conjured from a dream, David had stood at his feet, and suddenly, his nerves had acted up again, making him too aware of his body. 

He’s not sure how it led up to _this_ , though - David’s arms tight around him, holding his body in place, hopefully unaware about the way his skin is burning up at every point of contact. It feels different than anything he’s ever experienced with someone else - their bodies just _fit_ in a way he didn’t think possible, and after a while, when it’s clear David isn’t letting go anytime soon, Matteo lets himself sink into the feeling, leaning his entire weight against David’s chest, buries his face into David’s shoulder. Somehow, David just lets him. 

They don't pull apart until someone opens the back door leading out to them, and David almost jumps backwards, revealing the nerves moving through him too. Matteo wants to grab his arm again and pull him back in, but he feels like that's not allowed. For a moment, they just look at each other, and he thinks that David's eyes might contain a weight that should be impossible to carry, even less so with his head still held high.

“Inside?” David nods to the door, his breathing a bit unregular, and Matteo just follows him, immediately missing their newfound privacy.

The music is on the verge of too loud, but it has a nice pulse to it, and he can see David’s body move along to it almost involuntarily, with his eyes a bit uncertain. It’s crowded, even more so than before they’d gone outside, and Matteo finds himself gravitating closer, until he can practically feel the heat rising from David’s body.

No one seems to pay any attention to them, and Matteo reminds himself that they’re at a queer club, where it doesn’t matter that he hasn’t kissed a boy before, or that most of his friends don’t know about him, because they’re not here, and the flashing lights and the number of people gives him enough anonymity to relax a bit, feel his limbs get less tense with every movement. 

He catches David looking at him, and he thinks maybe David feels the same electricity lacing every heartbeat, like someone’s trying to wake him up from comatose, but he’s already awake, maybe more so than he’s ever been as David drifts closer, and Matteo tries his best not to let his eyes drift lower down than David’s face.

For a second, David seems less unsure than before, almost looking like he’s actually going to lean in, and Matteo can feel his panic set in, because he doesn’t know how to hide how badly he wants David to kiss him senseless, and it should scare him how he suddenly doesn’t care that they’re still in public.

The beat of the music speeds up, and Matteo wants this so badly that he can’t even be scared to be the first one to lean in, and David’s staring at him now, his eyes holding a warm flame that sends heat down Matteo’s stomach, and it’s so much, and Matteo thinks _fuck_ as David’s hands brush against his, both hanging against his sides.

He traces the lines of David’s face, and it feels like they’re suspended in time, making Matteo want to count the dark lashes touching David’s cheeks, but time isn’t still, because suddenly, David leans in, too, but tilts his head so that their cheeks touch. He can feel David’s breathing on his skin, the heat of it lingering just close to the shell of Matteo’s ear, and he can feel his own breathing hitch as he waits for David to say something.

“I’m not.. fuck, I can’t..” David stutters out, still sending heat through every vein in Matteo’s body, and his brain tries to make sense out of the contrast between David’s words and the fact that their bodies are almost pressed together, their arms now completely touching.

“David” Matteo breathes out, because he doesn’t know what to say, just knows that he wants to keep him there, and the gaze on David’s face makes him worried he’s about to leave before Matteo can stop him.

He doesn’t, though - instead, David fixes his gaze on Matteo’s face, taking him in, and the way the lights dance over David’s face makes Matteo think he’s hallucinating. He closes his eyes, not ready for whatever’s about to happen, and then David presses his forehead against his, making his eyes shoot open again. 

“Next time, okay?” David whispers, and despite knowing it could be an empty promise, Matteo holds onto his words like pillars holding up a building ready to cave in, light already shining through the cracks.

“Okay” Matteo breathes out, nodding slightly, and he can just feel David press his cheek to Matteo’s, feel their matching blush, before David pulls away and determinedly makes his way through the crowd. 

Matteo hasn’t even caught his breath before he’s out of sight.

In that exact moment, he can see Hans looking at him from a distance, already making his way over to him, and _fuck_ , Matteo doesn’t want to see the confusion on his face.

“I’m heading home” Matteo mumbles as soon as Hans is at his feet, the beginning of a hickey visible on his neck.

“Hold on,” Hans stops him, his hand on his arm, and Matteo wants to shake him off, too aware of David’s touch still imprinted on his skin.

“I’ll go with you, yeah?”

Matteo isn’t prepared for the genuine warmth in Hans’ voice, despite the number of times it’s been directed at him. Still, all he can do is shrug.

“Yeah, okay.”

A part of him wants to argue, and tell Hans he should stay and have fun, but he can already hear Hans arguing back in his head, and even in his mind, Matteo doesn’t win.

They pass a few people Hans knows on their way out, mostly people blowing him kisses and telling him they’ll see him around, earning a wide smile and, at one point, a wink, before Hans seemingly turns his focus on Matteo and guides him through the crowd with his hand on his shoulder.

Once they’re outside, Hans shakes his arm a little, as if shaking the night off of his body, and they start to walk in silence. Hans eyes are still on him, though, and Matteo knows it’s just a matter of minutes before his curiousness takes over. It doesn’t take long.

“How was your night?”

The question is innocent enough, but Matteo is pretty sure Hans saw David more or less run off, and it’s enough to give Matteo away.

“Uh.. cool, I guess.”

He keeps his gaze head on, shrugging to hide the feelings threatening to spill out through his voice.

“Mm” Hans hums, nodding as if he gets it, but Matteo knows they’re not done, so he just waits.

“Who was your friend?”

He knows, theoretically, that Hans won’t care that he’s gay. It should probably be the easiest person to come out to, since he’s already out himself, and knows what it’s like, and he would just pull Matteo into a hug with his overprotective arms.

Still, it’s hard, and the words won’t leave his throat, despite how badly he tries to force them to.

“David.”

It doesn’t explain _anything_ , but from the look on Hans’ face, Matteo suspects the way he says his name still says way too much.

“David” Hans repeats.

“I don’t,” Matteo starts, without having any idea where he’s going with this, just knows he has to try. His breath is visible in the cold air, because Berlin refuse to let winter turn to spring despite the months changing, and he can feel himself slow down a bit.

“I’m not sure how I feel about him” Matteo admits, which is a half-truth, but he’s not sure he can offer anything else right now.

Hans slows down, too, matching his step, and when Matteo finally dares to look over at him, his face is open and caring.

“But you like him?”

“Yeah” he huffs out, instantly picturing David’s face close to his own, and he hopes the heat on his cheeks isn’t visible in the dark.

“Well,” Hans says, giving Matteo a sly smile, “he’s _very_ handsome.”

“Yeah” Matteo agrees, smiling too, instantly feeling his body relaxing.

Hans gives him another smile, a bit softer, but still with a teasing glint in his eyes.

“So you had fun?”

It’s not the word he’d use to describe what had just happened, but then again, Matteo doesn’t have any other word for it either, not when his head feels a bit dizzy from it and his thoughts are all jumbled.

“Sure” Matteo nods, smiling back at Hans’ pleased face.

When they get to the flatshare, Hans waits for a moment with his keys in his hand, and instead of unlocking the door, he brings Matteo into a hug. It’s nice, and Matteo tries to enjoy it, revel in the feeling of being cared for that he’s gone too long without.

Hans doesn’t pry though, so as soon as they’re inside, Matteo can easily sneak away to his own room and shut the door behind him, no questions asked.

He lands on his back on the bed with a content sigh, and before he knows it, he’s trying to hold back a smile that’s growing embarrassingly wide on his face, with an equally embarrassing blush probably blooming on his cheeks. Nothing even _happened,_ and yet, Matteo can feel himself getting all giddy, grasping a fistful of his sheets in his hands just to hold onto something as he tries not to let a giggle escape his lips.

David had been so close, with his breath gently gracing Matteo’s face, and Matteo had been both ready and _terrified_ , and he’s not sure he’s any less terrified thinking about it now. The giddy feeling has the upper hand, though, as it spreads through him rapidly until he has to hide his face in his pillow, feeling too silly even though no one’s around.

It’s just a boy.

He’s not sure that’s true, because everything about their interaction feels other-worldly, too great to put into words or into a timeline of other people claiming to feel this way. Still, he’s a boy, like Matteo, and Matteo had been okay with admitting he’s gay in front of him, hoping David likes boys too. The almost-promise of a next time makes him pretty sure he does, although he’s aware that maybe it had just been an excuse in an attempt to escape the situation without looking like an asshole.

Right now, it feels like it doesn’t even matter if David had meant it or not, because at least they were close to something, and the way their bodies had connected when David had pulled him in for a hug had been different than anything he’s felt hugging his friends. He knows he looks ridiculous, his body flailing a little on the bed with the restless energy, but fuck it, he can’t contain the feeling that’s spilling over, with his head going _we almost kissed we almost kissed we almost kissed oh my god_ until he actually giggles, his face feeling too warm. 

He needs to calm down.

He swings his legs off the bed and jumps up to open the door to the balcony, grateful for the cool air touching his face as he can feel his face getting stuck in a wide grin that makes him roll his eyes at himself. Jesus christ, he’s whipped.

Still, he doesn’t really care, not when there’s not a weight holding down his shoulders or making his body too tense to sleep. Instead, it’s like his body is occupied with memorising the feeling of David’s hands, his chest pressed to Matteo’s, the look in David’s eyes, the sound of his gentle whisper. When he can feel himself drift off to sleep, he hasn’t been in bed for more than an hour, and as his thoughts fade out, he’s still feeling giddy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to talk, you can find me on tumblr @thisverygayuniverse


	9. David

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being patient with me, hopefully you won't have to wait as long for the next chapter ❤

David needs to leave.

There’s a lot of people still dancing way too close to him as he pushes his way through them, heading for the exit with just a thought at the back of his mind telling him he should probably find Laura before he runs off. His limbs are pulsing with adrenaline and he wants to get out of here, get out into the cool night. 

“David?”

When he looks over to the source of the sound, he sees Laura in the arms of the girl from earlier, looking at his sister like she’s already got her mesmerised, and to be honest, David isn’t surprised - Laura has a way to her that just reels people in. Laura, though, looks a bit confused, but at the same time, seems to know exactly what David is up to, a knowing worry in her eyes.

“I have to get home” David almost rambles, hurrying through the words with his voice less steady then he’d hoped for, and Laura nods before leaning in to say something to the girl who’s giving her a questioning smile.

A second later, Laura grabs his arm not to lose him in the crowd, and David can feel his heart racing as they push past the people closest to the entrance.

Laura breathes for a moment, obviously trying to keep up with whatever is going on with him, and he feels a bit guilty for interrupting her night even though he was fine with leaving alone.

“What happened?”

And, yeah, it’s a valid question, but David feels too raw right now, like giving her an answer would force him to realise what had just happened, what he’d _allowed_ to happen when he’s supposed to know better.

“I saw someone” David breathes out, and the worry on Laura’s face gets heavier.

He knows she’s making the wrong assumptions, that he’s letting her, but he doesn’t know how to even begin to explain what has just happened.

“From your old school?” Laura’s voice is so sad that it makes him want to kick himself.

“No, um, my new one.”

Despite living together, and Laura being his best friend, they haven’t talked that much about his new life. She knows he talks to people at school, and he thinks he might have mentioned Leonie by name, but mostly she just knows that no one has given him a hard time yet, since no one knows about him.

“Okay?”

She’s clearly waiting for some sort of explanation, and he lets out a breath before rubbing his face with his hands, trying to come up with one.

“David...”

“He’s just, I tried not to like him, but, _fuck_ , I don’t -”

He interrupts himself to look over at Laura, and as he does, her face has an almost unreadable expression, until her mouth is forming a small smile.

“Oh, David.”

She grabs his shoulder with her arm and drags him into a sort of hug, before forcing him to look straight at her with both her hands on his shoulders.

“You’re allowed to like people, you know.”

He wants to argue. They’ve had this conversation before, whenever she’s called him out for not letting people in, and he’s gotten upset, telling her she doesn’t get that he _has_ to, that he does it to protect himself.

“I shouldn’t, though” he mumbles, so quietly he almost hopes she doesn’t hear, because he doesn’t want another lecture, doesn’t want anything except to forget how stupidly reckless he’s been.

“Can you give me a name, at least?” Laura tries, offering a smile that’s a bit more disarming than before.

“Matteo.”

It’s not a surprise to her that he likes guys, since she was the first person he came out to when he’d figured out he was pan, but there is a difference between telling her he likes boys in theory and admitting to liking a specific boy, with a name and a face David is trying hard not to think about.

“He might be okay with it” Laura mumbles, like she’s aware that he doesn’t want to hear it, but has to say it anyway.

“I don’t want him to know.”

At this point, his voice is more of a sigh than anything else.

“Okay” she nods, ending the conversation for him, and they walk the rest of the way home in silence.

It doesn’t take long for him to run into Matteo again.

He’s not sure he’s _avoided_ him, exactly, but he’s kept his head down a bit more than usual, and stuck to Leonie and Sara as much as he can, trying his best to not look for him in the corridors or turn his head at the sound of Jonas’ loud voice, knowing Matteo is probably close by.

But right now, David’s on his own, exiting a classroom where he doesn’t know anyone, and as soon as he’s out the door, he sees him. He’s unmistakable in a beige sweater that’s too big even for being oversized, in a sort of ugly pattern, and his face looks so _soft._

“Hey.”

David hasn’t even gathered his thoughts before Matteo speaks, despite David seeing him first, and there’s something different to his voice, the way it's matching his smile.

He takes in the sight of him again, eyeing him up before realising he hasn’t said anything yet, just _staring_ like an idiot.

“Hi.”

Matteo’s eyes are shining, so hopeful that it almost hurts to look at. He tries to figure out if the smile Matteo is still giving him is confident or shy, but it just seems to be an entirely new mixture of both. It’s mesmerising, and David knows he has to stop it.

He’s just about to say he has to go to his next class, or meet up with Leonie, or literally _anything_ to get out of there, when Matteo takes a step closer.

“It was cool, uh, seeing you.”

David stares at him again, stares right into his blue, unwavering eyes, to find out what to say. Even though he maybe should have, he hadn’t expected Matteo to actually bring it up, and he really hopes he won’t mention the _next time_ David had promised, because he knows he’s not ready. It hits him, suddenly, how badly he wants to be.

“Yeah, it was good.”

The silence is on the verge of uncomfortable, maybe because of the almost empty hallway they’re standing in, or due to the fact that he doesn’t know if he should stay put or look for exit signs.

“Uh- could we… can we hang out?”

Matteo’s words come out as a stutter, every syllable stumbling over the next, and it’s so endearing that David can’t hide the smile that he knows is growing on his face at the same time as he sees a blush forming on Matteo’s cheeks.

“Yeah, sure.”

Fuck.

Matteo’s smile is the widest he’s ever seen - eyes glistening, face scrunching up, him biting his lip as if to hide his excitement.

“I need to go, though” he mumbles, before Matteo can sweep him off his feet entirely.

He can already feel his body reacting to the close proximity, like something’s moving through him rapidly with energy that has nowhere to go.

“Okay” Matteo nods, tilting his head a little in a way that makes the energy speed up even more inside of him, and for a second David just want to grab his face and kiss him until all his energy has poured over into _his_ body instead.

“Okay” David breathes out, barely looking at Matteo as he sees his chance to get out of there, and he only lets himself look back over his shoulder for a second when he hears Matteo let out a small “see you” that should’ve been too quiet to hear.

David realises something’s up as soon as he sees Leonie at her locker, with a body language telling him to approach carefully.

“What’s up?”

As she spins around, a deep frown on her face turns into a confused look, before she seemingly remembers they’re friends and gives him a smile. Her shoulders still look tense, though.

“Mr Neuhaus is being a jerk” she huffs out, clearly trying to hold herself back from screaming at David’s face.

He nods for a moment, because it doesn’t really surprise him, except from the part that he would do something to piss of Leonie specifically. From the relatively short time he’s been here, she’s proved over and over again how she’s one of the best in their gym class, better than most of the guys, never revealing how hard she’s pushing herself until after class when she’ll turn to him and go ‘fuck, I feel like I’m _dying_ ’, like he and Sara are the only one let in on the secret that she’s not invincible.

“What did he do?”

David isn’t sure he wants to know, but it feels wrong not to ask.

“He’s just a sexist asshole who thinks I can’t compete with _the boys,_ ” she says through her teeth, emphasizing the last words like she’s quoting Neuhaus.

She looks over at him again, like she’s not sure how he’d take it, before adding, “No offence, but I could easily beat you.”

It shouldn’t come as a surprise, but hearing Leonie calling him ‘one of the boys’ trumps any feeling of being criticised he could possibly have right now.

“None taken.”

“God, I hate men” she mutters, and she doesn’t need to verbally exclude him for David to know they’re still good.

“Fair enough” he nods, because yeah, it wasn’t exactly the girls in his old school who gave him the bruises on his arms, or their hands who pushed him up against lockers before he fought back.

His answer earns him a smile, a genuine one this time, as Leonie closes her locker. Then, she hugs him, like he’s done something right, and he’s not prepared for how strong her arms are around him, how she holds him so tightly.When she pulls back, it’s like it never happened, and her face is determined and strong. “Come, let’s go.”

They head out through the school entrance, waiting for Sara to finish class - or, well, at least Leonie is - and it’s nice, in a way that feels unfamiliar but still safe. Around her, he really can be just a dumb boy in her class, who is just as competitive as she is, and maybe, on good days, just as strong.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, of course.” It comes out as a mumble, but he thinks his additional smile is enough to convince her, and she nods as she raises her hand to block out the sun from her eyes.

“You looked a bit… distant, or whatever.”

“Yeah, sorry, just a lot going on.”

Something curious glints in her eyes, revealing how ready she is for him to open up just the slightest, and he knows he has to offer her _something_ to not upset her.

“What, then?”

He knows she has a tendency to be direct, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready for it.

“Me and my sister just moved,” he tries, thinking it’s at least not a lie, “so it’s just been a bit much.”

Leonie nods, seemingly processing the information, before frowning.

“I thought you just moved here? Did you like move again?”

“Yeah, sort of, it’s messy” he shrugs.

This time, she doesn’t push. Instead, she nods again, with a look saying she’s trying out the words he’s just given her to see what to make of them.

“We should study at yours’ sometime.”

He giver her another shrug. “Sure.”

For a split second, he’s afraid he’s getting her hopes up, but as soon as Sara walks out of the main building, Leonie’s focus shifts completely in order to take in the sight. David thinks he’s imagining for a second how Leonie strokes away a few strands of hair from her face as Sara approaches them, but as Leonie’s posture shifts as well, he’s pretty sure he’s onto something.

When Leonie looks back at him for a moment, it’s as if she sees herself through him, and she’s giving him a look telling him to let this go. So, he does.

It’s been days of decidedly _not_ thinking about his now two promises to Matteo when David realises his inner marathon has to come to an end.

Promising to hang out feels innocent enough, and maybe it could’ve been, if his first promise, made in a moment when Matteo’s breath on his skin had felt too hot for him to feel sane, hadn’t happened.

He goes through classes, dinners with Laura and sleepless nights, constantly thinking that maybe he could just run away from it - not leaving school, just… not interact with Matteo. They don’t really see each other that much as it is (which he knows is partly his own doing), and one of the nights when his head feels a bit heavier than usual, he thinks it could work.

As soon as he sees Matteo the next morning, though, all reasoning is out the window.

Matteo is leaning his entire weight onto a wall, not even standing at this point but more like crumbling to the floor in slow motion, as his other friends stands a few feet away, seemingly unfazed by it.

David lets his eyes linger for a moment, just long enough to realise Matteo’s unaware of anything going on around him, not even really reacting when one of the guys that’s not Jonas puts a hand on his shoulder and shakes him a little.

Just as he’s about to turn away, Matteo lifts his head just enough for his eyes to find David’s, and he can feel his heart beating a bit differently in his chest, as if it became too self-aware and lost its natural rhythm, making David’s entire body feel a bit off.

He can see the exact moment when the look on Matteo’s face shifts, his eyebrows drawing together as if he’s surprised to see him and isn’t sure what to make of it. There’s something else there, too, a great entity hanging like a second shadow off Matteo’s back, and David doesn’t have to get closer to know it’s what makes his legs unable to keep him upright.

Before he can stop himself, David pulls out his phone from his pocket and immediately finds Matteo’s number, which he’d gotten the one time he’d been at Matteo’s but never dared to use, and suddenly his determination is overtaking him as he types out a message with a link attached and hits send.

He doesn’t even bother to be cool enough about it to not study Matteo’s reaction, so when Matteo’s eyes widen at his screen and then look back to David, David is already staring at him.

  
To: Matteo

_ Meet me here after school _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want, you can find me on tumblr @thisverygayuniverse


	10. Matteo

_Meet me here after school._

As soon as a message turns up on his screen, Matteo stares over at David before he’s even opened it properly, and he’s met by a raised eyebrow. Matteo can barely turn his eyes away from David’s stare, intense and… challenging, he thinks, as if they’re playing a game Matteo isn’t aware of. His curiosity takes over, though, and he tears his gaze away in order to tap on the message. The words are there, right under the number Matteo knows is David’s but hasn’t added to his contacts, too paranoid that one of the boys would go through his phone and immediately ask questions.

Underneath the words, though, is a link, and 2 seconds later, he’s redirected to a google maps page, giving him the coordinates to a place he’s never been to.

There’s a hand on his shoulder before he’s even remembered he’s not actually on his own, and Carlos or Abdi kicks lightly at his feet, as Jonas pats him on his shoulder a second time and offers him his hand.

“Come on, Luigi.”

Instead of looking up at Jonas, his eyes turn directly to the point behind him, and he just manages to get a glimpse of David disappearing in the distance, the beginning of a smile visible on his face.

“Hey, you with us?”

“Yeah, yeah” Matteo mumbles, not caring enough to sound reassuring, and heaves himself up from the floor to join them.

His head spins a little as he does so, and he’s not sure if it’s because of David or because of him just being _like that_ , a sort of broken thing that no one’s really gotten around to fix yet, or maybe hasn’t even thought about fixing until it’s completely out of use.

He’s aware that the four hours that pass by can’t possibly be one and the same class, in that same classroom, but he can’t distinguish one from another, can’t really place anything except the restlessness in his head repeating David’s text over and over. A teacher calls his name at least twice, and it feels like being woken up from a dream that’s both unpleasantly surreal and eerily realistic, making it hard for his brain to catch up with what’s real. Jonas keeps throwing him glances that are amused, at first, then a bit more worried, and Matteo tries to silently convey that he’s fine.

His nerves don’t really get that memo, though.

No matter how hard he tries, his legs keep bouncing under his desk, in a way he knows is annoying to everyone else, and it’s just cemented by the glares one of the kids in his Spanish class sends him. It’s his last class for the day, though, and he can’t think about anything, not even David at this point - instead, there’s a constant hammering in his head, not in a way that hurts but instead like someone tapping on his shoulder to get his attention, as if he’s not aware what’s happening right after this.

As soon as he’s exited the classroom and made his way to his locker, though, Jonas slides up next to him, eyeing him wordlessly as Matteo shoves his books inside and tries to figure out if he needs to bring something with him. When he’s done, closing his locker with a soft click, and Jonas still hasn’t said anything, Matteo guesses he’ll just have to be the one initiating things.

“What?”

“Nothing” Jonas shrugs, in a way that’s less casual than Matteo thinks it’s meant to be.

“Just… wondering if something’s going on.”

Matteo knows he’s not the most subtle person alive, not even the most subtle in their group, probably, but it still catches him off guard.

“Um, like what?”

This time, Jonas’ shrug seems more genuine.

“Don’t know. You just seem a bit off, you know.”

In lack of a better response, Matteo rolls his eyes at him.

Jonas just sighs at that. “Dude, you know what I mean.”

And, yeah, he does know. Sure, Carlos and Abdi probably wouldn’t notice, but this is Jonas, his best friend since basically forever, and unfortunately, he can be surprisingly perceptive.

“Yeah, I just… don’t know what to say, I guess.”

It feels heavy, letting the words leave his throat, but at least it earns him a caring smile.

“Yeah, I get it, just… talk to me when you do, yeah?”

Matteo nods, something like relief building up as he lets himself look properly at Jonas’ face, the worry now gone from his eyes.

“I will. _Danke._ ”

“No worries, man.”

Before he can make his way to the nearest bus station, Jonas flings his arm around Matteo’s shoulder and reels him in, ruffling his hair a little before letting go. It makes the restlessness that’s followed him for hours subdue, if just for a moment, and he lets himself revel in it before they part.

Matteo checks the coordinates two, three, maybe four times, just to make sure he’s gotten them right, and sure enough, this is the place David had told him to find.

There’s not much there, to be honest; the bus stop is one of the last ones on that route, in the outskirts of town, and all he can make out of the surroundings is what looks like an overgrown park, or at least the remnants of one. There are some more or less rundown buildings across the road, none of them taller than two floors, making the sky above them look vast and the clouds greater than he’s used to see them.

He checks his phone again, and is just about to text David to see if he’s on his way - ‘cause he’s not sure when David’s class even ends - when he hears someone approach him, just light footsteps against the pavement, and when he looks up, David is just a few feet away.

Somehow, he looks different here; maybe it’s the late afternoon light, or the greenery behind him, or that they’re completely alone, but his eyes hold a confidence and safety to them, like nothing can touch him. Matteo decides that David looks more like _himself_ here, like this is the place he’s supposed to be, his natural habitat that he’s finally returned to. He wonders for a second if David thinks so, too, and what it means for them that David asked him to come.

“You’re here” David states, with half a smile and tilted head, making Matteo’s stomach go _swoosh._

“You told me to be” Matteo mumbles, as if he needs to defend himself, even though David’s eyes are glistening at this point .

“I did” David agrees, nodding at Matteo without breaking eye contact.

It’s a bit much, and Matteo has to remind himself to breathe.

“So, uh, what’s here?”

At that, David looks like he’s biting the inside of his lip, clearly thinking of an answer, before giving him a decisive look.

“You’ll see.”

The air between them feels charged, even with their distance, and Matteo catches himself looking up at the darkening clouds hovering above them, slowly fleeting past as he follows David in the direction of an overgrown path. It’s not until he almost trips on his own feet that he remembers to look where he’s going, and his eyes immediately tracks David’s movements two steps ahead of him. At one point, David turns his head and looks back at him, clearly catching him staring, and he tries to force down the blush rising on his face that he _knows_ is painfully visible.

Suddenly, David’s steps come to a halt, and when Matteo looks up, he’s not sure where they are.

The building in front of them is most likely a greenhouse, or at least, it had been, before someone apparently left the plants and flowers to their own devices, letting the tallest ones grow tall enough to bend against the high ceiling, and the weeds take over most of the glass walls. The glass door has been shattered, and Matteo assumes it’s due to some kids throwing rocks at it out of boredom, before realising there’s not really any thrill in destroying something no one longer cares about.

When he turns to look at David again, he’s met with an expecting glance, almost daring him to move forward, and Matteo just manages to breathe out a huff of air as his chest feels a bit tighter, his smile a bit wider.

He carefully presses down the slightly grimy handle, and, as the door opens with a creaky sound, wipes off his slightly gross hand on David’s jacket, earning him a surprised laugh and a gentle “fuck off” under his breath.

Matteo thinks it’s the sweetest sound he’s ever heard.

As they step inside, they’re both quiet, just the sound of their breathing filling up the room. It feels ancient and timeless at the same time, and if it wasn’t for the way Matteo feels completely alive, he wouldn’t be sure it actually existed outside of a dream.

“Wow.”

He’s not sure who says it, and maybe it’s both of them, their voices echoing each other in the silence of the wilted flowers, and just as he catches David’s eyes again, a faint sound of rain slowly reaches them, just a few drops slowly landing on the glass roof.

Matteo thinks of growth and decay, of nurture and lack of it, but most of all, he thinks once again that David fits here, like he’s one of the plants supposed to tilt his head to the sun, except David is still standing tall, still growing and blooming and _living._

He can feel David’s eyes steady on him, the way they silently study him, but he doesn’t say anything, as if he doesn’t want to interrupt whatever thought process is taking place in Matteo’s head. A part of him is glad David doesn’t ask, very aware that his thoughts are way too revealing, and he’s not sure he could lie to him if he tried.

“I haven’t showed this to anyone else.”

It sounds mostly like a breath, rather than a sentence, and every word sounds so careful. David’s dark eyes are still fixed on Matteo, but they seem hesitant, with no trace of the confidence from just a moment ago.

“Oh.”

He looks around them, again, takes in the glass walls with the occasional cracks to them, not really broken apart from the door and a small part in the left corner of the roof, where the gentle rain is now coming through, just enough to paint the leaves of one of the dead plants a darker shade of green.

Matteo almost gets lost in it, until David makes a noise in the back of his throat, and when Matteo looks back at him, they’re standing closer than he remembers.

Suddenly, he can feel something falling into place inside of his chest, and it feels like thunder moving through him as David’s eyes fall to his mouth. Without even thinking, Matteo’s gaze drops to _David’s_ mouth, and when David hesitantly bites his lip, Matteo’s breathing completely comes to a halt.

His body is still there, though, so close to David that he thinks he might implode, and he can feel rather than see David inching closer, until his face is so close that Matteo can feel his scent, safe and exhilarating all at once, and then, he can feel the pressure of David’s lips against his own.

There is lightning striking down in his chest, and before he can even process the feeling, David takes a step back, eyes wide like he’s caught doing something he’s not supposed to, his feelings all too visible on his face.

“Is this okay?” he breathes out, something close to fear in his eyes, and Matteo is too at loss for words.

Instead, he moves closer again, feeling David’s chest heave against his own, before placing a hand on the back of David’s neck, and as he kisses him, he can feel the relief in David’s body pouring over into his.

He’s not sure if his mind has gone silent, or if his thoughts are just drowned out by the steady rain that’s now loudly thrumming against the glass, and maybe he’s shivering but David’s hand is suddenly on his face, gracing the shell of his ear, and he’s so _warm_ , and soft, and Matteo can’t remember ever feeling cold, can’t remember anything other than this, right here.

They both stumble back for a bit, breathing heavily as they part, but before Matteo can even begin to put his thoughts into words, David is surging forward again, his hands steady this time, trapping Matteo’s body closely to his own, before kissing him more deeply than before, with such intent that Matteo isn’t sure this isn’t in fact a dream, and it doesn’t feel less surreal when he buries his hands in David’s hair and David somehow moves even _closer_.

When they finally break apart again, for more than a few seconds, David’s face has a deep blush to it, making his skin look golden and warm, and Matteo feels completely breathless.

He’s sure his own face is flushed red, and he doesn’t want to think about how heavily he’s still breathing, a bit embarrassed by just how affected his body is. David doesn’t seem to mind, though, as he looks directly at him, eyes wide as if he’s still surprised Matteo actually came with him here. His smile is so gentle, careful, and it’s so endearing that Matteo finds himself draping his arms around David’s waist and just kisses him, gently, before pressing his face into David’s neck.

“Can we just stay here?” he hears himself mumble into David’s skin, not sure the words are even audible, but then, he feels David’s quiet laugh, followed by a nod.

“Of course” David mumbles, stroking his hand through Matteo’s hair, before pressing a kiss to his scalp, and Matteo thinks _this,_ this is where David is supposed to be, pressed to Matteo and never letting go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, you can find me on tumblr @ thisverygayuniverse


	11. David

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I want to thank you for being so patient with this fic. The last week or so has been tough, but I do love writing this, it just took some time with this chapter. 
> 
> With all that's happening, I really hope you all stay safe, take care of yourselves and each other. ❤

He’s not sure how long they’ve been standing there for, and maybe it’s due to Matteo eracing time itself with the way his hands press into David’s hips, not even touching his skin but still making an imprint on him. The rain has come to a halt, with just a few droplets trickling down the glass wall of the greenhouse, and David can feel them both shiver a little as they’re still hugging.

“Do you… uh.. my place?”

Matteo’s voice is so tender as it nestles it’s way into the fabric of David’s jacket, so unsure but so full of _want_ that he feels a heat rising in his chest, making him silence the alarms going off somewhere in the back of his mind.

“Yes.”

When Matteo looks up at him, his eyes are filled with gleaming hope, with a shyness still tinting his face, a pink blush on his cheek, and David almost forgets he’s allowed to touch it, trace the colours with his fingertips and kiss the beginning of his cheekbones. So, he does, and the instant smile spreading on Matteo’s face makes a softness spread in David’s chest.

The rain has let up when they finally leave the safety and intimacy of the greenhouse, just a careful wind touching their faces as they make their way to the bus stop. They don’t say anything while they wait, and the energy between them is almost nervous, and he notices Matteo stealing glances as if they haven’t already kissed, like the secrecy is still necessary.

The bus is almost empty, but they still keep a distance between them, until Matteo tilts his head as if to ask if they’re okay, and as soon as David nods his head, adding a smile he hopes is filled with warmth, Matteo instantly puts his head on his shoulder.

It feels more like a dream than anything else.

The soft haze clouding his mind isn’t interrupted until they reach the flatshare, silently sneaking in and kicking off their shoes like they’re committing a crime just by walking in together, as if David hasn’t already been here, seen the kitchen and sat on Matteo’s bed and _wanted_ but held himself back.

Now, though, he’s already broken his own rules, and even though it terrifies him, it also allows him to _do things_ , like stroking Matteo’s hand with his thumb when Matteo grabs it to lead him inside, not stopping until they’re in Matteo’s bedroom.

As soon as they’re there, it’s like his mind suddenly _gets it_ , catches up with his actions of the text message and waiting for Matteo to show and kissing him ‘til they both turned breathless, and his brain comes to a halt.

Because despite the feeling of Matteo’s fingers currently clasping onto his own, and the heat rising in his body, he still hasn’t told him. And now, it’s too late to go home and sleep alone with his chest bare like he’s used to, too late to promise another _next time_ so that he can escape and buy himself more time to either find some courage or cut him off completely.

“Are you okay?”

He hasn’t realised he’s probably gone too quiet, with his gaze lost somewhere in the background, but now, Matteo is searching his face, his own face tinted with uncertainty, like he’s hearing the rumbling of David’s thoughts but can’t make out the words, and is already assuming the worst.

“ _Ja, klar._ ” It comes out as a whispering stutter, and he forces himself to look into Matteo’s eyes, aware that something inside of him will melt at the sight, and he can feel the relief on Matteo’s skin, like a soft glow in the dimly lit room.

“Bed?”

Matteo’s voice is still small, still uncertain, but his eyes have turned a bit more confident, and David can feel his body instantly reacting although he knows nothing can happen, except maybe a bit more kissing. Instead of answering, he just nods a little, just enough for the light in Matteo’s eyes to come back with full force, before leaning in and kissing him, softly this time, like he just wants to try it out despite already knowing the taste.

They end up over the covers, mirroring each other lying on their sides, and David realises he’s filled with relief when Matteo doesn’t attempt anything more than tracing his cheeks, then the line of his jaw. The look in Matteo’s eyes is so calm, _content_ , that David isn’t even nervous when Matteo’s thumb slowly moves closer to his bottom lip, tentatively brushing against it as if to ask if it’s okay, and he just manage to catch a glimpse of Matteo’s delighted smile as David leans in to the touch and offers him the lightest of kisses, to show just how much he wants this, too.

Matteo lets out a happy sigh as they break apart, making David’s heart clench at the realisation that it’s because of him. He doesn’t have to say anything, not even raise an eyebrow, for Matteo’s cheeks to turn pink again, making him look a little embarrassed but mostly impossibly cute.

“I don’t think I’ll fall asleep with you here” Matteo mumbles, making David’s hand instinctively find Matteo’s until their hands are linked together, fingers carefully gracing each other.

“Mm.”

They’re quiet for a moment, their breathing the only sound filling up the room, and David can hear his heartbeat go less frantic as they just lay there, with Matteo’s hair touching his neck as Matteo scoots closer.

“We could watch something, if you want? Would that help?”

Matteo looks up for a moment, looking so small and safe where he’s positioned himself below David’s chin, and offers a small nod.

“Mm.”

David nods to himself at that, before trying to move to find Matteo’s laptop - seeing as Matteo shows no sign of getting up - but before he’s even sat up, Matteo’s arms are placed around his waist, and Matteo rubs his face against David’s shirt, in the same way you rub sleep from your eyes.

“ _Matteo._ ”

“Mm?”

“Your laptop?”

“ _Fine._ ” His voice is laced with fake-annoyance, and it’s endearing in a way David isn’t prepared for, even though maybe he should’ve been, considering Matteo’s been nothing but sweet the past hours they’ve spent together.

He can feel Matteo scoot away a little, releasing his hold on David’s waist, and David can’t help but to lean down and plant a kiss to his hair before standing up, earning him a surprised smile on Matteo’s lips, a peach tint to his face. _God_ , he’s pretty.

They end up watching a film none of them has seen before, and it has a slow, almost dull pace, making David’s focus shift to how they’re now both under the covers, with the laptop on David’s lap, and Matteo leaning into his side. He tries to pay attention to the film, because at least it has some of his favourite actors, but he keeps glancing down at Matteo, either to gauge his reaction or just to look at his expression in the blue-ish light from the computer, how it highlights different angles of his face.

He’s not sure how long they’ve sat there when he notices Matteo’s breathing sounds a bit different, and when he glances over at him, he can see his eyes are shut, the lines of his face smoothed out in sleep.

David allows himself to just sit there for a while, tracing Matteo’s face with his eyes - wanting to trace them with his hands, too, but not wanting to wake him - and thinks of how, in the morning, he’ll be able to hold that face in his hands, maybe sleepily kiss Matteo until they’re both too hungry to stay in bed any longer. At least, that’s what he hopes could happen.

Another part of him, the one he’s been trying to ignore the past hours, and most days since Matteo’s presence in his life started to feel inevitable (and, he realises, he’s not sure for how long that’s been), tells him to leave.

He won’t, he knows this, partly because he’d never hurt Matteo like that, but also because he doesn’t want to. All he wants is to stay _right here_ , in the safety of Matteo’s bed, with a boy sleeping next to him, so close that he can feel his breathing on the skin of his arm.

He does get up, though, carefully moves away from the warmth of Matteo’s body in an attempt not to startle him, but it’s only so he can go to the bathroom before trying to get some sleep as well. A thought of letting Laura know he’s not coming home crosses his mind for a second, and it’s strong enough to make him search for his phone to text her.

The hallway outside of Matteo’s room is dark, and he has no idea what time it is, or which of Matteo’s flatmates are home, or asleep, so he quietly sneaks into the bathroom and hopes the sound of the lock isn’t loud enough to give him away. 

He’s almost startled by his own reflection as he turns the lights on. His hair is a bit unruly, which is in no way a new uccurance, but it still looks different. _Like someone has ran their fingers through it_ , he thinks, and is immediately embarrassed as he spots the redness of his cheeks in the mirror. He also notices his smile, warmer than he’s seen it in ages, and he feels silly just standing there smiling to himself in what’s probably the middle of the night in Matteo’s bathroom. He can’t help it, though.

Despite feeling a bit intrusive, David rummages through the cabinet, trying not to move around anything as he searches for an extra toothbrush, and somehow, he actually manages to find an opened package with two toothbrushes left, looking brand new. He figures it’s probably okay to use one of them, too tired to really think about it too much, and brushes his teeth as he tries to ignore the smile still plastered onto his face, not wanting the toothpaste to drip down his chin.

His smile doesn’t falter until he instinctively reaches to take off his shirt in order to remove his binder, and stops himself mid-movement as his tired brain remembers where he is. He can feel his lungs let out a deep sigh, and the aching of his ribs is already present, with the promise of being even worse when he wakes up tomorrow. Still, he sneaks back to Matteo’s room, with the scent of _Matteo_ enveloping him as soon as he’s closed the door, and the sight of Matteo moving a little in his sleep is enough for his worries to dissipate.

It’s easy to let himself get under the covers and settle in next to Matteo, both of them fully dressed, and just listen to Matteo’s steady breathing, until David’s chest heaves in the same way, their lungs breathing in the same rhythm. Usually, it’d take at least an hour for him to fall asleep in a bed that’s not his own, but now, he has almost drifted off when he hears Matteo’s voice, just a low hum between them.

“David?”

He moves a little so he’s on his side instead of his back.

“Mm?”

“I thought, maybe… this was a dream or something.”

David thinks he gets it, with Matteo’s voice sounding slow and tentative, still heavy from sleep. He’s careful, more so than David’s used to with him, and still, David has to make sure.

“This?”

“Yeah, like… all of this.”

David can almost hear Matteo gesturing between them in the dark, can hear it in his words and the way his voice tries to sound more certain. He can also hear his own heart, not moving faster but _louder_ in his chest, hidden away somewhere under layers of clothing and the duvet he’s wrapped around him as a shield between his chest and Matteo’s arm.

“It’s not” David whispers, but he’s not sure, not when he can feel Matteo scooching closer and smiles in a way that’s radiating even now, eyes shining despite his body almost falling back to sleep.

“Good” Matteo mumbles back, breathing close enough for David to feel the air brush against the hairs on his neck, and it sends shivers through his body, making him shut his eyes just to feel it a bit more.

“Good” he agrees as he breathes out, eyes still closed, and before he knows it, Matteo’s head is on his chest, his hair gracing David’s arm where the sleeves of his t-shirt don’t reach, and he lets himself stay put until morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, you can find me on tumblr @thisverygayuniverse


	12. Matteo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you for your patience with this fic, I'm giving it my all at the same time as I try to look after myself and work full time. I appreciate every single comment, you are all so sweet 💖
> 
> This chapter contains descriptions of drug use, as always stay safe!

Before he’s even properly woken up, his body still lethargic from sleep and his vision all grainy as soon as his eyes blink open, Matteo is hit with the realisation that the pillow he has pushed against his face smells just like David.

He’s not awake enough to take in the room, or the light of the morning that’s seeping into it, and his mind is still trying to make sense out of the dream that’s fading away from him just as he tries to hang on to the details of it. The scent hits him again, though, and when he turns his head, he sees David, already sitting up, already dressed, on top of the covers a few feet away from him on the bed.

“Hi” Matteo mumbles out, his voice inarticulate from sleep.

David just looks at him, first, and for a moment, Matteo thinks that’s all he’s going to get. Then, though, David raises an eyebrow as he studies him, and Matteo watches a smile light up on his face, watches David form the word, “Hi.” 

“Time?” he mumbles, stretching out his arms over his head.

“Mm, around eleven.”

Despite of last night, Matteo is almost surprised that David is still here. He’s not sure why David would have left, considering they’d fallen asleep entangled and trading soft kisses as they both drifted off to sleep, but it still feels like a gift, something you weren’t prepared for but you treasure all the while, maybe even more due to it being unexpected.

“Did you sleep okay?”

There’s a look in David’s eyes before he can change it into something else, something lighter, that tells Matteo that he didn’t - something heavy, almost aching, and Matteo takes it like a punch to his chest.

“Yeah, sort of” David shrugs, not really looking at him.

The lie just hangs there, in the distance between them on the bed, and Matteo stares at it like it has taken on a physical form.

“Are you hungry?” he tries instead.

At that, David nods a bit less hesitantly, and Matteo smiles as David’s stomach makes a small noise.

Before he can tell himself not to, Matteo reaches out his arms and make grabby-hands at him, and David finally laughs a little as he gives in, letting Matteo’s hands cling to his sweater until they’re close enough for Matteo to kiss him. It takes him a second, though, a moment where Matteo just looks at him, not sure kissing is still allowed in the morning light, but the movement of David’s lips forming a smile is all he needs before he gives in.

“You’re cute” David whispers, then shakes his head at himself, like he can’t believe he’s admitting it so freely.

Matteo can feel himself turn giddy with those words, his body warm under the covers, and he wiggles out from under the duvet and puts on sweatpants, before taking David’s hand and leading them to the kitchen in search for food.

“Do you believe in fate?”

They’re back on his bed, facing each other but with big enough of a distance between them for their arms to spread out, and Matteo is unsure of how long they’ve been laying like that when David raises the question.

“Like, everything is predetermined?”

“Mm.”

It feels a bit too heavy to think about, as his thoughts instantly turn towards his parents, but then, he shifts a bit on the bed and takes in the sight in front of him, tries to find something on David’s face to reveal whatever prompted this.

“Maybe, yeah. Sometimes.”

Matteo listens as David breathes in and out, slow breaths in the silence of Matteo’s room, and his fingers are suddenly itching with a need to reach out and touch his face, his neck, his hair. He doesn’t, though, not wanting to interrupt whatever thought is on David’s mind.

“What about choices, then?”

His words almost sound rehearsed, like he’s gone over them multiple times in his head before actually uttering them, and it makes Matteo want to pry, see what else is hiding in everything unsaid.

Matteo’s own words feel far away, somehow, and he doesn’t know how to explain - or wants to admit, really - that most of his choices so far have been shitty, grown from his unwavering insecurities.

He’s made one good choice, though.

“I would just choose you.”

It’s way too cheesy for the situation, and after just staring at him for a moment, David rolls his eyes and punches him lightly in the shoulder, obviously wanting a serious answer.

“Ass.”

Still, David inches closer on the bed, until his head is leaning on Matteo’s upper arm, and Matteo turns just enough to be able to lean down and look at his face, taking in the dark eyes looking up at him.

A part of him wants to ask David _what about you_ , just so he can have something, anything that makes David’s mind less of a mystery to him, but the part of him that just wants to lay there, not talking about anything that could potentially hurt, wins out as he mindlessly raises his hand to grab the hairs at the nape of David’s neck, slowly moving his fingers through it.

For a second, David’s eyes fall shut at the touch, and Matteo feels like there’s once again electricity moving through him, making his limbs unable to be still.

“You okay?”

David’s eyes are on him, and Matteo nods eagerly, suddenly occupied by the need of being closer, and he can see David’s pupils dilate as he leans in, his own breath hitching before he closes the gap between them.

For the second time today, Matteo is almost overwhelmed by how everything smells like _David_ , in a way he can’t put into words, can’t define into anything more distinctive. It’s overwhelming to a point where he catches himself move backwards a little just to _breathe_ , and David raises an eyebrow before his hands are on Matteo’s shoulder, bringing him back closer to him.

Making out with David, _on his bed_ , is enough to make his head physically spin, and his hands roam David’s shoulders and forearms in search for something to cling to, until his fingers find the straps of his hoodie and tugs on them a little, not letting go even when David deepens the kiss and Matteo feels like his body is burning from the inside.

He’s not sure how to control himself, and everything quickly turns a bit overwhelming with David’s breath on Matteo’s lips, his mouth leaving kisses on Matteo’s neck, kissing him just behind his ear.

The kisses turn softer, then, with both of them content with the slow pace, and Matteo twines the straps of David’s hoodie between his fingers, still, liking the sensation of it on his skin. It’s grounding, and enough for him to not float away from having David’s body so close to his own.

Matteo isn’t sure how many hours have passed, but they’re lying on their backs again, passing a joint between them, and David has been silent for a bit too long for Matteo’s thoughts to not start going places he doesn’t want them to.

He exhales, then turns to hand it to David, but instead of putting the joint in David’s hand, he places it to David’s lips, barely gracing his mouth with his fingers as he does so. It earns him a surprised look, followed by an endearing eye-roll, and it’s all Matteo needs right now.

The next time he wakes up, it’s way too early, judging by the pearl grey light of dawn, and his bed is empty.

Matteo remembers clinging to David while falling asleep, his arms around David’s chest, David’s neck close to Matteo’s face, close enough for him to breathe in the scent on his skin with the short hairs tickling his nose.

It feels like someone is slowly carving out a David-shaped silhouette in his chest as he turns in his bed and sits up properly, searching the room for any evidence that David is still here, or at least nearby, just getting some water in the kitchen or going to the bathroom.

David’s hoodie is nowhere in sight, though, and from the looks of it, his side of Matteo’s bed is tucked neatly, not in a way it would’ve looked if he just sneaked away real quick to return back under the covers.

Fuck.

He hides his face in the palms of his hands, pressing them fiercely to his head just to feel the pressure, like it could stop the thoughts from spiralling before the sun has even risen. 

Just as he’s about to take in that David had  _ left _ , not just physically but probably emotionally, too, because Matteo’s been too much too quickly, hanging off his back in sleep like their bodies were made for each other, sculpted to fit, he sees the piece of paper folded in half on the side table next to the bed.

His heart is still slowly sinking inside of him, but it slows down a little as he unfolds the note to see David’s sharp handwriting in black ink, next to a little figure that he guesses is supposed to be David, fondly watching a sketched mop of hair sticking out from under a blanket.

_I had to go but I didn’t want to wake you._

Matteo’s first instinct is to smile, while carefully tracing the art with his fingertips, afraid he’d somehow ruin it. Then, he reads the note again, and again, like more words will appear if he just searches for them long enough. Just a ‘see you soon’, or anything really, to show that their 24 hours of dreamlike existence is more than just that, that it’s allowed to seep into reality.

Is he allowed to see David tomorrow, when what’s probably been the best weekend of his life has come to an end and Monday morning is forcing them both back to school? 

He tries to picture it, tries to imagine seeing David in the hallways again, and he knows instantly that he won’t be able to hide _shit_ if Jonas is around to watch him watch David. And, sure, Jonas knows he’s gay, but he’s not sure if David wants him to know, or if David is out to _his_ friends.

The thought of Leonie intimidatingly staring Matteo down as a consequence of him not dating Sara, while standing next to David if Matteo even tried to get close, is enough to make his head get heavy, his mouth tasting of iron at the back of his throat.

It takes him a couple of hours of trying to fall back to sleep, throwing himself around the bed in exhaustion and occasionally getting up to get some water to avoid any upcoming headache, but eventually, he wakes up to the transition from midday to afternoon, feeling disoriented from the stressful dreams he’s just had, once again with details too blurry to make out.

There’s a drizzling rain on the other side of his bedroom windows, and the sound is enough for the images from _that time_ to rush to the front of his mind, sending shivers through his body as he closes his eyes for just a second.

The entire night after that had been so _simple_ , and everything had felt _right_ , making the frantic thoughts now occupying his brain seem even more chaotic in comparison.

He’s all too aware that it’s Sunday, and the seemingly scheduled anxiety that usually arrives Sunday night is already in sight, making his skin feel too tight. He needs distraction.

As he forces himself to leave his bed, he grabs his phone, pulling up Jonas’ name in his contacts as he makes his way through the flat share.

  
To: Jonas

_What’s up?  
  
_

As he waits for a reply, he rummages the kitchen for bread, then makes some toast before measuring up the coffee. Before he puts it on, he adds a second cup to it, just in case Jonas would actually come by and would want some.

When he unlocks his phone, one of his toasts already eaten, there’s a reply.

  
From: Jonas

_idk, got any plans?_ 🎮  
  


As he types, Matteo smiles a little at the screen, hoping it means he’ll feel a bit less shit for a couple of hours, with Jonas distracting him enough to stop his thoughts from wandering.

The coffee is still warm when Jonas shows up, looking a lot more awake than Matteo but still downing the coffee like he needs it as they sit down on the couch. “Na? You good?”

Matteo picks at the skin of his thumb, right at the base of his fingernail, and shrugs.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

Jonas doesn’t fight it, despite holding his gaze for a beat too long, just nods and gives him a smile that tells Matteo he’s allowed to say he’s not.

“Busy weekend?” Jonas smiles, waving a bit with his phone, and Matteo realises he hasn’t replied to any of the messages in their group chat. Most of them are still even unread on his own screen.

“Nah, not really, just..” he starts, scratching his neck as he tries to think of a way to continue that doesn’t involve lying to his best friend. He wants to think he’s done with betraying him at this point.

The look on Jonas face gets more curious, and Matteo tries to force down the emotions already tinting his own face with a blush.

“I sort of hung out with someone.” His eyes are already studying the floor, refusing to look at Jonas as the words struggle their way out, but he can basically hear Jonas raise his eyebrows at him.

“Man, I didn’t know you had other friends” Jonas shakes his head and smiles, in a way that’s partly intrigued and partly impressed, but he doesn’t push.

Matteo knows he needs to say something more, something to explain whatever’s making his body physically shake and his heart do a little jump at the sight of David, but he doesn’t know  _ how.  _ He also doesn’t want it to be a big deal, like it was the entire reason he’s invited Jonas here, when the fact is he really just wants to hang out. He figures he has to do this first, though.

“I don’t” Matteo snorts, his shoulders shrugging again like he could brush everything off, and even though he’s not looking down, he’s still not really looking at Jonas either.

He gives him a quick glance, just to see Jonas’ reaction, and he can more or less see the cogs working inside his head trying to make sense of the lack of information so far, whilst still giving Matteo a calm smile.

“It’s, uh, this guy, kind of-” he stutters, instinctively tugging at the knees of his oversized jeans just to do _something_ , and scratching at the skin of his arms until it’d turn red feels like the worse option of the two.

“ _Luigi_ ” Jonas cheers, almost sounding incredulous, and his smile as Matteo looks back at him has grown wider, with a mixture of pride and teasing.

“Uh, well” Matteo shrugs again, like his body isn’t able to do any other movement, and there’s definitely a blush to his face now, probably creeping lower down his neck.

“Who?”

“I don’t… I’m not sure he wants me to tell” Matteo admits, offering Jonas a smile that says he’s sorry about the secrecy, and Jonas immediately nods like he gets it.

“That’s cool, bro.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, of course. Can you tell me anything else, though? Like… how was it?”

Jonas is definitely grinning at him at this point, and Matteo wants to tell him to _fuck off_ , but he feels like he owes him this much.

“It’s… really good. We uh, mostly kissed a lot. Like. It was just… beautiful with him.”

Jonas is already smiling widely at him, even prouder than before, despite Matteo realising he’s being just as sappy as he’s accused Jonas for in the past.

“Aw, man, you’re _gone_ ” Jonas chuckles, and before Matteo can stop him, Jonas leans in and ruffles his hair, then grabs his shoulders for a weird sideways hug.

And it’s nice, both the actually telling someone-part and being close to his best friend in a way he hasn’t been in a while, without other people talking around them or music playing too loudly from the other room.

Still, Matteo can’t help rolling his eyes at him.

“Can we just play Mario Kart?”

“You’re on” Jonas agrees, elbowing Matteo in the side before reaching for the controller. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr @thisverygayuniverse, feel free to say hi


	13. David

The light rain that had woken him up has just faded to nothingness, just droplets on the street, and David breathes in deep as he walks fast, decidedly not looking back at the apartment building. Matteo had seemed to be deep in sleep, his body barely reacting to the touch of David’s fingers carefully running through his hair just before he snuck out. Still, he shouldn’t just stand in the middle of the street right outside Matteo’s balcony, in case Matteo would actually wake up and spot him. 

Leaving the warmth of Matteo’s bed, the warmth of Matteo’s body wrapped around his own, would have been even tougher if it wasn’t for the fact that Matteo looked so peaceful even after David had managed to untangle himself. Then, after pulling his hoodie back on, he’d eyed the room, making sure he hadn’t left anything except for a quick drawing next to the bed.

It’s quiet when he pushes up the door to his and Laura’s flat, and considering the early hour, she’s probably still asleep, finally getting some rest. He still doesn’t want to get caught, though, so he toes off to his room, quickly changes his clothes for some clean ones, grabs his headphones, then leaves again.

David runs.

His white sneakers hit the pavement with a familiar rhythm, the sole bouncing back a little with his steps as he runs past a few run-down buildings in the area, past the railway, then along the streets until he’s running on a path next to the river, where only a few other joggers pass him by. It’s still too early for most office workers in the area to commute.

David runs until he can feel the muscles in his thighs get tense, and still, his brain thinks of Matteo laying his head on his lap, his hair tickling his bare skin. He can feel the first droplet of sweat on his forehead and he thinks of his lips gracing the skin beneath Matteo’s unruly hair, just above his blonde eyebrows. His face is turning hot with exhaustion and all he can see is the blush tainting Matteo’s cheeks right after kissing David a second, third, fourth time.

Fuck.

He doesn’t stop until his heart is pounding in his chest, doesn’t even slow down until his chest feels too strained, his body begging him to breathe properly. The screen on his phone tells him it’s still early, but he should still get home before Laura wakes up and notices he never came home. He also really, really should get out of his binder. 

When he enters the flat for the second time that morning, the light coming in through the windows is warmer, making golden shapes on the floor where he puts down his things before he heads to his room. There’s no hint of breakfast food coming from the kitchen, nor any noise from Laura making tea, so he figures he’s safe as he closes the door behind him, wincing a little as he struggles with getting the binder over his head without it hurting too much.

As soon as his back hits the bed, he can sense something close to relief washing over him, like he’s gotten away with something he’d deemed impossible and is now allowed to sleep, no questions asked.

It stings, though, when he wakes up from his nap some time later to an unread text on his phone.  


From: Matteo

__ Found your drawing. Miss u   
  


In reality, David hasn’t gotten away with shit; all he’s done is postponed getting caught. Now, though, his body is too heavy for him to get up yet, and he just falls back on his bed while forcing himself to  _ not _ replay Matteo’s voice in his head.

“So.”

Laura had been out when David had finally forced himself to get up, mostly just to find something to dull his sudden headache, but now, as he’s trying to make something resembling late lunch or early dinner - not really passing as either - she’s right there, having left her bag on the floor at the door and given him _a look._

David is smart enough to know he should say something, maybe apologise even, but he’s also too unsure of what to say for the words to leave his mouth as he just rummages through the fridge.

“Had a fun weekend?”

She sounds curious, which he prefers to the worry in her voice that he’s used to get. 

“I… I went to Matteo’s.”

Laura raises an eyebrow at him, eyeing him while giving him a soft smile, like she’s trying to figure out if this is purely good news.

“That boy from school?”

The way she phrases it makes him think back to _that night_ at the queer club, when he’d panicked, feeling a bit silly about it although the panic hasn’t completely left yet.

“Yeah. ”

At that, Laura’s smile grows wider. “And you like him?”

“Mm,” he trails off, not really wanting to go into details about dragging Matteo off to a remote location just to get to kiss him, then spending hours, _days_ , in his bed. That thought alone is enough for him to blush before he forces himself to turn away a bit from Laura’s gaze.

“And?” Laura says expectantly, like she doesn’t care that she has to pull the information out of him.

“We uh.. hung out,” he starts lamely, adding a shrug to make it sound less like he’s avoiding the subject, and more like there’s not that much to say.

Laura’s unimpressed face forces him to continue, though.

“It was really good, but I didn’t tell him, so.”

This time, his shrug feels sadder than a moment ago.

“Well, I’m glad you like someone, at least” Laura offers, while reaching out her arm to reach around his shoulders and pull him a bit closer, “and it’s okay if you want to wait.”

“It’s not, though” he mumbles, shaking his head as if to drown out his voice even more before Laura can hear him properly.

For once, she doesn’t argue, and he almost wishes she would.

He sticks to Leonie’s side the entirety of Monday, except for one class where he’s on his own, and he keeps his head down in order to not accidentally see Matteo when he hurries by the row of lockers, staring straight forward as he moves through the hallway. Leonie doesn’t comment on him not keeping to himself as much, and Sara just smiles at him when he engages a bit more in their ongoing conversation. If it wasn’t for the fact that he’s purposefully redirecting his attention, he could’ve said he’s finally being alright at making friends, actually putting the work into it for once without hiding away.

But.

There’s several unread texts on his phone, and David knows he’s being an asshole for not even reading them, but he also knows that not replying to Matteo would be harder  _ after _ reading them than it is now, when he’s just pocketed his phone at the sight of Matteo’s name on the screen.

He assumes Matteo is either a) asking him to meet up, which he can’t bring himself to do without telling him, and he _can’t_ tell him, or b) wondering why he hasn’t heard from him since the morning he left, and David can’t come up with an excuse for why he’s avoiding him that wouldn’t hurt either of them.

And, yeah, he supposes he’s already hurting Matteo, but if the alternative is to risk his own safety and end up changing schools _again_ , he really doesn’t have much of a choice.

When Thursday arrives, David still hasn't run into Matteo, hasn't even gotten a text since Tuesday - that, just like previous ones, has gone unanswered - and he thinks that he might have fucked things up beyond repair.

One good thing, he guesses, is that he's let himself spend enough time with Leonie and Sara to realise he actually really likes them. They’re fun, even when they’re talking about things he hasn’t gotten any context to, and their sometimes passionate discussions are enough to distract him between classes. As soon as they're over, though, David knows he'll just end up in his room, trying and failing to not think about Matteo, or read his texts over and over.

So.

He ends up asking Leonie to study, partly due to needing a distraction, partly due to actually needing someone to motivate him to get things done. It doesn’t take any convincing for her to agree - she just raises an eyebrow, like she’s not expecting him to actually want to hang out outside of school, before giving him a content smile, grabbing some things from her locker and nodding. “Let’s go, then.”

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that she and Laura get along well, but it still feels a bit surreal how quickly Laura seems to decide she likes her when David unlocks the door to the apartment, and it doesn’t take long before Leonie feels comfortable enough to mock David a little in front of her, earning her a delighted smile from Laura.

“Are you okay?”

They’ve been studying for at least two hours, strictly focusing on the work in front of them and whining a little about the workload, when Leonie gives him a look, and it feels like she can see right through him.

“I guess.”

Right now, it’s not a lie - hanging out with her feels easy, and actually getting things done takes away a bit of the stress that’s making his shoulders tense.

“Hmm.”

Leonie’s eyes are still on him, sharp and unwavering. He can almost see her brain trying to figure out her next game plan, formulating the next step to get him to open up, and it makes him feel a bit shitty, keeping her on arm’s length when really, he’s the closest to a friend he has.

It takes a while before any of them breaks the silence, almost convincing him they had dropped the subject.

“I like Sara.”

When he looks up, Leonie are looking right at him, almost defiant, but there’s an unmistakable softness to her, as if a part of her thinks it will change anything.

“Yeah.” 

It’s a stupid response, but it’s not as if he hadn’t thought as much. Still, he knows he needs to add  _ something _ .

“What about her?”

Leonie seems to get his question right away, despite sounding vague, and her expression changes as she lets out a sigh.

“I’m pretty sure she’s still chasing after Matteo” she mumbles, almost scoffing at his name, and David forces himself not to get hung up on that detail as he tries to figure out what to say.

“That sucks.”

Leonie just looks at him, once again like she’s trying to figure him out, before seemingly deciding he’s on her side. “Mm.”

“I’m pan, by the way.”

The words come out like a peace offering, despite them not being in a fight, and it feels like too small of a gesture when there’s still so much he refuses to tell her.

“Okay” Leonie nods, visibly filing this information along with other things he’s told her about himself so far, which, David knows, isn’t that much.

She doesn’t ask if he’s into anyone, and the fact that he doesn’t have to lie about it makes his entire body relax a bit more, making his breathing a bit less restricted.

It’s friday afternoon when he sees Jonas for the first time that week. 

He is already too close for David to be able to turn around and run, and not glance over at the boy walking a step behind him, slouching his shoulders and hiding his face behind his unruly head of hair.

Jonas sees him almost instantly, giving him a nod and a genuine smile that, in any other situation, would make him feel accepted. The gesture is enough to alert Matteo, though, who looks up in confusion as Jonas lets out a quick “hey” in passing, and David can see the exact moment when Matteo’s brain catches up with him, can see the shift in his eyes as they briefly land on David.

As always around Matteo, it’s as if time comes to a standstill.

The bruise-coloured shadows under Matteo’s eyes are the first thing he notices, highlighting how his skin looks paler than usual. There is no trace of the soft pinkness that had been visible last time David looked at him, gently stroking his cheek while listening to Matteo steadily breathing in his sleep.

Now, David can’t stay focused; his eyes fleeting from Matteo’s drained facial expression, to his tense shoulders, back up to his messy strands of hair, the curve of his neck, his deep frown. 

Matteo visibly flinches as their arms brush past each other, as if David had shoved him, and it feels so wrong that his own body instantly gets tense.

He wants to press their arms together, wants to grab Matteo’s wrist and hold him steadily, say he’s sorry, that Matteo is too good, too _everything_ for David to even begin to be enough for him, and how all of this just cements how selfish he is; instead of letting Matteo be, he’d greedily kissed him, over and over, despite knowing he’s not ready to stay put.

It takes all of his self restraint to not look back the second Matteo is out of sight, and he pretends he doesn’t hear Jonas ask Matteo if he’s okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr @thisverygayuniverse if you want to say hi


	14. Matteo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains description of drug use, stay safe 💕

Matteo isn’t sure what he’d expected after spending the weekend with David, but it’s not this.

It’s Monday morning, and he’s once again outside the so called ‘architecturally interesting’ school building, with no reply from David on his phone. He tries to think that it’s okay; it hasn’t been that long, and his texts hadn’t really been the type that _requires_ an answer, anyway, even though he’d really hoped for one. It crosses his mind that he doesn’t even know David that well - maybe he’s a person who tends to misplace his phone, or forget to reply to texts even though he intends to. Maybe he’ll just see him in the hallway in a few hours and it will all be _fine_.

That thought alone makes him all nervous, and it reminds him of the fact that he can run into David at any given moment, which doesn’t really gives him any time to calm his nerves or prepare himself not to blush embarrassingly if he sees him.

Jonas seems to suspect something after first period, not having time to say anything before class, but instead of commenting he just grins at Matteo, and Matteo thinks back to when he’d told him about _a guy_ , realising now that Jonas has probably already figured out it’s someone from school. Considering Matteo has no social life,, it’s not that much of a revelation.

As Wednesday arrives, it turns out that Matteo didn’t have to worry about turning red in front of his friends while trying his best not to stare at David’s face, forcing down his hands to his pockets in order to not instinctively reach out for him - because, suddenly, David isn’t there. And yeah, he _knows_ they’re in different classes, with different majors, but they still have lockers kind of close to each other, and it’s not like he hasn’t seen him in the corridors before, trying not to turn his head to keep looking at him.

For once, he really wants to hang out with his friends when his last class is finally coming to an end, but of course, Carlos and Abdi are uncharacteristically studying for a test neither him nor Jonas is taking, and Jonas has already told him he’s busy doing something Matteo can’t remember, but he doesn’t want to seem clingy, so he decides to not ask about it again.

He ends up on his bed even though he knows it will just make it worse.

It’s been days, and still, he can imagine feeling David’s scent on his pillows, and for a second, all Matteo wants to do is give into it and bury his face in the pillowcase. It’s so easy, now, to remember the sensation of David’s hands on him, tracing his jaw, his fingers gracing his neck, moving through his hair while deepening their kiss.

Just the thought is enough to make him breathless.

For a moment, he wonders if the kissing was _bad_ , that he wasn’t what David had imagined, but the more logical part of him knows it’s not true; the memories of David giving him just one more kiss, inevitably turning into several, are still fresh in his mind.

Just as his thoughts start to hurt, he looks around his room for _something_ , or maybe anything, really, and it doesn’t take him long to find a pack of cigarettes Jonas had forgotten there a while ago. It also doesn’t take him long to head out onto the balcony, opening the door just enough to let out the smoke and positioning himself on the floor right next to it, not even leaving his room.

The air flowing in is a bit cold against his skin where his sweatpants ride up a little at his ankles, but he doesn’t mind; in a way, it’s almost grounding, keeping him from getting lost in his thoughts. 

After having smoked a few more cigarettes than he should have, it’s cold enough for Matteo to shiver a little and he moves the zipper all the way up to his chin, almost hiding it behind the fabric. 

Maybe David leaving him is a good thing. It’s clear, despite whatever the past weekend was, that Matteo is… a bit much, if not a complete mess of a person. It’s enough that both Hans and Jonas have to be around to see him whenever his brain decides to shut down, or his body physically aches from too bright lights or sounds that makes his skin itch. He doesn’t need another person to see that as well.

Something tells him there weekend was more than a one-time thing, and David doesn’t really strike him as a person who goes around kissing new boys on the weekends, leaving them to be clingy and weird and _too much_ on their own as soon as a new week comes around. But it’s not like he couldn’t; Matteo is pretty sure that David is the most handsome person he’s ever even seen, and he can’t be the only one getting flustered at the sight of him, less so being _touched_ by him.

It’s not even that Matteo thinks of himself as _ugly_ , he just… doesn’t really think he looks much like anything - just skin that is a bit too pale to look completely fine, and the occasional dark lines under his eyes that gives away his bad sleeping habits.

On days when he actually puts in the effort, he can even look _good_. The thing is, though, that he rarely does put in the effort, because his energy is barely high enough to drag himself out of bed as it is, when all he has to do is put on semi-clean clothes and head to school, hopefully brush his teeth if he’s not running late.

What makes the ache building up inside his chest unbearable is the fact that with David, everything had felt so right.

There had been no warning signs, no hands holding him a bit too roughly or comments said in passing making him want to shy away from the boy in front of him - everything had been easy, for once.

Of course, though, Matteo isn’t allowed easy or simple or sweet; he’s not sure who’s decided this, and he doesn’t really want to think about it, because he’s sure he can come up with more than a few reasons to why he doesn’t really deserve it.

By Friday morning, Matteo is exhausted.

Sleeping had been impossible. At first, it had him frustrated, almost angry, but as his alarm had gone off and he had to realise he was still awake, the only feeling he could really take in was defeat.

Any other day, he would’ve just stayed in his room and ditched school that day, maybe show up to one of the later classes in the day if he felt up for it. Now, though, a reminder on his phone tells him about a chemistry test that he knows he can probably pass if he just actually shows up. Maybe, if he still feels awful afterwards, he’ll just head home instead of sticking around until last period.

It burns in the back of his throat as he inhales, deeply, then moves his head and watches the smoke float out of him as he exhales towards the sky that’s too bright despite the grey clouds. He winces as his eyes hurt a little, and Jonas watches him, not saying anything but clearly thinking about it, and Matteo can’t be bothered to call him out. He knows he probably looks like shit.

He doesn’t keep track on what time it is even when they’re the only ones left outside the building, and Jonas doesn’t seem to care too much as they watch the other kids head inside. At this point, he’s not even sure what his next class is, or if it’s even the same as Jonas’.

What he does know, though, is that he’s an idiot.

Yeah, okay, David had seemed into him, had given Matteo so many reasons to think that maybe, just this once, he could relax at the touch of someone else’s hands at the back of his neck, their fingers tugging lightly at his hair.

Still, considering everything, he should’ve fucking known better than to get his hopes up after a few kisses and some cuddles. Now, when it’s been _days_ , it’s like he can see everything so clearly, and honestly, he feels like the punchline to a joke everyone else get to laugh along to.

Jonas coughs a little as he exhales one last time as the joint has burned out. Matteo just looks at him, sees the heaviness set on his face, and he’s pretty sure it’s his fault.

“Fuck it” Jonas mumbles, and before Matteo knows it, Jonas offers him a pack of cigarettes, like he knows Matteo still needs something, and Matteo can’t even look at him as he takes one out and hands it back.

“Danke.”

“No worries” Jonas shrugs, then, as Matteo lights it, adds, “you wanna talk about it?”

Matteo takes his first drag, then shakes his head a little. “Don’t know.”

“Well, whatever it is, I’m here, yeah?”

“Yeah” Matteo agrees, because he knows as much, and he tries to take it to heart despite simultaneously trying to shut himself down, not really wanting to feel anything at all.

They manage to only skip one class, but after the one class they actually show up to, Matteo thinks he can’t do this, not when his headache is pulsing and his eyes hurt from the fluorescents lights, like a nocturnal creature suddenly being exposed to daylight.

Jonas is still next to him, and just as he’s about to ask if they can skip their next class and just get out of here, he hears Jonas greet someone in passing, making him look up in confusion.

Right in front of him, looking even better than last time, is David.

Just the sight of him sends unpleasant electric shocks through his body, and he almost shuts his eyes in response, but he can’t bare to take his eyes off him yet. 

David’s jawline is sharp, his entire face looking uncomfortably tense, and his eyes flit over Matteo’s face like he tries to figure him out, like Matteo is the one who’s difficult to read.

When it’s clear he won’t say anything, Matteo wants to disappear. He brushes past him with a scoff under his breath, feeling his own jaw clench as their arms briefly touch, and he doesn’t look back when David’s out of sight, because he’s not giving in when David clearly wants nothing to do with him.

“Are you okay?” 

It’s almost a joke, but at the same time, Jonas tone is too serious, and Matteo can’t even shake his head at it, even less so look at his best friend’s face to see the worry there.

“Man, I get if you don’t want to talk, but give me something, yeah?”

“Fine” Matteo breathes out, his body still tense, and Jonas nods as if they’ve come to an agreement even though Matteo still hasn’t really said anything.

They skip their last class as well.

At first they just walk around aimlessly, but then they end up at the park where Jonas used to skate when he wasn’t too busy with actually working hard to get through school, actually focusing and putting in the hours.

“Is it your parents?”

“No,” Matteo starts, dragging out the word as he tries to figure out what he wants to say, what he _can_ say.

Jonas seems to get it, because he doesn’t ask anything else, just looks straight forward, and Matteo can feel himself relax when Jonas’ gaze isn’t fixed on him anymore.

“Remember the guy I told you about?”

“I mean, you didn’t say much,” Jonas comments, making Matteo let out a quiet sigh, “but yeah, I do.”

The skin on Matteo’s lip is a bit cracked where he bites at it a little, mostly out of habit, and the silence lingers as he still tries to figure it out, tries to sketch out their conversation in his head.

“Did he… did he do something?”

The concern in Jonas eyes almost hurts to see, and Matteo quickly shakes his head to make it go away.

“No, he… he uh, just disappeared.” 

“What do you mean?”

Now, everything hurts for a different reason - Matteo can feel his headache pulse more violently than before, and it forces him to press both hands to his face to block everything out for a moment. Then, he takes a few breaths, not really sure his chest will allow them.

“Fuck, I don’t- he left, and now he’s ignoring me.”

“Fuck” Jonas huffs out.

“Yeah.”

“Should I talk to him? Set the record straight?” Jonas tries, raising an eyebrow as he gives Matteo his serious face, even though he wouldn’t actually do anything.

Still, it makes a small laugh slip out of him.

“No, it’s fine.”

It’s not fine, but Matteo still don’t think telling Jonas it’s _David_ is a good idea. Even if Matteo told him to keep quiet about it, ‘cause he knows he can trust Jonas with a secret, Jonas would still inevitably send weird glances in David’s direction, give him less convincing smile whenever they’d meet in the hallways and, if Matteo’s with him, give him his most painfully sympathetic eyes.

He’s loyal, maybe more so than anyone else in Matteo’s life, but he doesn’t need Jonas to look at him like he’s a stray dog, or look at David like he’s the one abandoning him in the streets.

“Right, well, if you change your mind...” Jonas starts, holding up his fists in front of his face like he’d be ready to punch someone in an instant, despite being the softest one in their group of friends.

“Got it.” 

Matteo nods, mostly to make them both drop the subject, and he feels Jonas hand ruffle his hair, and even though it’s comforting, it makes him think of how David’s fingers stroked that same hair just a week ago, and he has to shake his head almost violently to get rid of the sensory memory of it.

Before they can find something else to talk about, Jonas’ phone goes off, and Matteo watches him fumble with finding it in his pocket before he answers. He kind of wants another joint, but he’s got nothing on him, and a part of him knows he should maybe at least _try_ to not smoke so much, knowing it makes him feel a bit shitty afterwards. So, he just picks up his own phone as Jonas continue his conversation, mindlessly scrolling through instagram, when a text shows up on the screen.

  
From: David

__ I’m sorry, Matteo.  
  


It takes a moment for his brain to come back to him, and his heartbeats feel uneven as his fingers clutch the phone a bit harder.

“It was just Abdi” Jonas mumbles in the background, but his voice sounds distant, like maybe he’s voice is coming from another room, possibly another planet.

“You have any left?” Matteo gestures at Jonas’ pocket, where he put his pack of cigarettes earlier.

Jonas gives him a look, then sighs to himself as he reaches for it, offering one to Matteo and watches him as Matteo reaches for his lighter. Jonas doesn’t even complain when Matteo barely shares it with him, and maybe he doesn’t deserve him, either. 

At this point, he doesn’t even know what he deserves, but some small part of him thinks it’s not this, not the dulling ache moving through his chest like it’s building a nest there, make a home in the space just beneath his ribcage. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on tumblr @thisverygayuniverse if you want to say hi


	15. David

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your patience with me and this fic ❤️

David guesses it’s fair that Matteo hasn’t answered his last text in three days.

After seeing him in the hallway, something inside of him had sort of… cracked, as if he could physically hear the disruption taking place. And he’d sent a text, saying he’s sorry, not specifying _why_ , not giving any reason or excuse.

That’s why, when Jonas suddenly approach him a few days later, with Matteo nowhere in sight, his first instinct is to hide.

“David!”

Fuck.

There’s a smile on Jonas’ face, though, as usual - and, yeah, it’s not like he thinks Jonas would actually beat him up for making Matteo sad. He still doesn’t really want to be here, though.

“What’s up?”

Jonas raises his hand for a fist bump, and David tentatively copies him, trying to read him well enough to figure out what this is about.

“Uh, not much, just-” David gestures to his locker, like it would provide any answers. Still, Jonas just nods, seemingly content with that.

“I was gonna ask you,” Jonas begins, scratching his neck, and David forces himself not to close his eyes and clench his fists, preparing himself to deny anything Jonas is about to imply, whatever Matteo has told him about him, about _them_.

“I’m kind of fucked with this history assignment” Jonas huffs, almost laughing at himself despite the obvious stress visible on his face, “and I’m pretty sure you’re the only one paying attention in there.”

It’s probably not that much of an exaggeration, considering their History teacher has a tendency to go on tangents with little to no relevance to whatever topic they’d been discussing, but David still finds himself stuttering out a small laugh, sounding nervous even to himself.

“Yeah, sure” he nods, not even asking what Jonas wants him to do.

“Yeah?”

Jonas smiles, something more hopeful in his eyes this time, and David can see how Matteo chose this to be his closest person, his best friend and confidant. He’s just so… uncomplicated, in a way.

“Thanks, man.” Jonas’ hand clutches his shoulder, and the movement almost makes him jump before he can offer a somewhat forced smile, still on edge.

He guesses they’re done as Jonas looks at something on his phone, shaking his head a little to himself before pocketing it, and David knows he should be relieved.

His heart doesn’t get the memo, though.

Just as Jonas looks like he’s about to leave, David hears himself make a noise in his throat, just so that Jonas looks up at him again.

“Have you seen Matteo?”

Just the taste of his name in his mouth makes his heart clench a little, reminding him just how well the syllables sit on his tongue.

For a split second, he wants to take it back as Jonas frowns a little, obviously surprised by the change of topic, before nodding.

“Yeah, uh, I think he ditched though.”

He gives him a look, as if there’s a hidden message to this that Jonas tries to convey, but David isn’t sure he gets it. Before he can say anything else, though, Jonas shrugs.

“He’s not really… anyway, he’ll probably show up tomorrow or something.”

It feels wrong witnessing the worry on his face, clearly visible despite Jonas’ attempt to downplay it, and David once again wants to leave. This part of the conversation is all on him, though.

“Okay” David nods.

“Alright man, see you” Jonas nods again, then heads further down the hall, leaving David to stare into his locker before actually closing his eyes.

He’s not sure how long he stands there, forcing himself to breathe in the stale air of his locker, the scent of frayed books and his gym bag that is taking up most of the space.

It’s not until he spots Leonie and Sara outside of the entrance to the locker rooms, both smiling at him as they see him approach, that he decides to skip their last class.

There’s a confused look on Saras’ face as he passes them, just offering a slightly apologetic smile, and Leonies’ eyebrows are furrowed, seemingly trying to figure him out, before she turns her attention back to Sara.

There is already adrenaline running through him as he hurries through the corridors, trying to go unnoticed until he’s made it outside, and he can feel his heart rate pick up before he’s even on his bike. He has to do this, though.

It’s not long before he can make out the row of identical apartment buildings, all in better condition than his and Laura’s place, and he realises just how quickly he’ made it here when he feels his legs shaking as he jumps off the bike, with his hands still clutching too tightly around the handles.

The sound of the intercom is slightly distorted, but David still feel his heart stutter at the sound of Matteo’s voice. It sounds like he’s under water.

“Yeah?”

“Hi,” David tries.

His eyes are closed, like it could shut out the silence that follows.

Then, there’s a familiar buzz of the door being unlocked, and he blinks rapidly before pushing it open, knowing he has to collect himself.

He has to do this right, whatever this can even be called - an apology? He’s not sure he deserves being forgiven, no, he’s sure he _doesn’t_ , and he doesn’t really deserve taking up any more space in Matteo’s life than he already has, but the greedy part of him thinks, _at least he still wants to see me._ It’s unfair, but David isn’t good enough of a person to stay away, even when he was the one deciding to flee.

The door is already slightly open when he slowly climbs the last few steps, and it opens completely before he can even raise his hand to knock.

Matteo looks… bad.

His skin is pale, just as before, but the otherwise pink-ish hue looks drained, almost purple, as if he’s cold despite the multiple layers hiding every shape of his body. He looks like he’s shrunken, just enough to be noticeable, like David’s brain has gotten the perspective wrong, or seeing him through a lense that makes everything slightly off.

Most of all, though, he looks tired.

David needs to say something.

Matteo looks at him, first, like he’s making sure David is actually real, and then, when he’s made sure, his glance falls to the floor, studying the space between them.

“Matteo,” he starts, and he wishes his heart could slow down just enough for his mind to be able to focus, but as soon as Matteo’s head turns to him again, he knows he’s fucked. His nerves are vibrating inside of his limbs, and his heart is so _loud_.

“Can we… talk?”

He studies the way Matteo slowly bites his lip, not saying anything, not really looking anywhere; all he does is biting down on his already slightly chapped bottom lip, and the silence just amplifies the thunder moving through his chest.

“I don’t want you to hurt me.” 

David almost doesn’t catch the quiet words through the deafening silence, and Matteo’s eyes are still avoiding his, and this, right here, hurts more than not seeing Matteo at all.

“I’m...” David’s breath stutters, and before he can stop himself, he takes a step forward, and when Matteo doesn’t move, he raises his hand just to brush against Matteo’s arm, gently stroking the sleeve of his sweater.

Matteo is so close, and his scent is everywhere, and David tentatively places his arms around him, so lightly that Matteo could easily step back, but he doesn’t - instead, he just breathes, shakily, before taking a small step closer, until they’re chest to chest, and the sensation of Matteo’s face suddenly pressing into David’s shoulder is so good it’s overwhelming.

“You left” Matteo tells David’s shirt, his voice carefully brushing against he juncture of his neck.

“I know” David breathes out, his arms pressing a little closer around Matteo’s body, afraid Matteo suddenly wants to move away.

He doesn’t.

“You… could have told me, if- if I did something wrong or, whatever-” Matteo trails off.

He doesn’t even sound angry, like David deserves, and maybe it would’ve been easier if he was - that way, David could just agree - he’s an asshole, he should’ve done better, he doesn’t deserve Matteo in any way.

Now, instead, David just feels like crying, and it’s not fair, again, because _he’s_ the one who hurt Matteo, and Matteo is still standing here, trying to let him in.

“Matteo” he starts again, releasing his grip around him and forcing his chest to breathe _deep_ , not just shallow breaths of slight panic.

“You didn’t… you didn’t do anything. I… I’m so sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t think you’d want me.”

Matteo almost scoffs, his eyes filled with disbelief, but he doesn’t look mad, not even disappointed. Just confused.

“What?”

His eyebrows are drawn together, and it hurts to think about how Matteo has no idea what’s going on inside of him, the constant struggle and the running and the fear.

And the fear is still right there, sitting inside of his chest, making sure the words don’t find their way out. He tries to breath slowly, again, but he still has to close his eyes to not panic.

“Are you okay?”

Matteo’s voice is so sweet, still, glowing with warm concern, and he has to take another breath just so that his eyes won’t tear up.

“It’s… difficult. But I want to, you know, talk about it,” David reassures, and he glances at Matteo just to see him nod, slowly, like he wants to hear it, too.

“We could… go to my room” Matteo supplies, like he realises this isn’t a conversation to be held under the light in the hallway, and despite his mind racing, David finds himself nodding before following Matteo through the flat.

In the time they’ve been apart, David has thought endlessly about Matteo’s room, about their hours spent there, but his heart rate still picks up when he sees the bed, the familiar clutter at the desk, the curtains next to the balcony.

There’s a difference, though, from last time he’d been here. The most obvious one, except from why they’re here, is the heavy scent of weed, along with the empty plastic bags next to a lighter and some filters lying around. He still thinks Matteo is sober right now, though.

He knows he has to start talking, but he doesn’t know a good place to start, so he just says what comes to mind.

“Can I… ask you something?”

Matteo looks a bit thrown off, like he, too, thinks David hasn’t any right to ask, but instead of calling him out on it, he just nods as he sits down on the bed, gesturing for David to do the same. After a moment of hesitation, he does.

“Did you tell Jonas, about me?”

Matteo is quiet, first, looking like he’s trying to understand the question, before quickly shaking his head ‘no’. David thinks for a second that he wants to run his fingers through his hair.

“He just knows I’m gay” Matteo mumbles, and yeah, David kind of assumed as much.

Still, he needs to be reassured. “Why?”

Matteo looks confused, again, but then, he mostly looks deflated, letting out a sigh before shifting a little on the bed.

“I didn’t think you’d want people to know.”

A part of him had thought that, but hearing Matteo quietly confirming it still does something to him, something that makes his heart slow down just a little.

He doesn’t really have anything else to ask, or any more apologies to give, just an explanation too heavy for him to carry.

“In my last school, I… people weren’t really nice.” He winces at the description, and almost winces at the way Matteo nods, like he gets it, probably thinking this is about him liking boys.

“I’m not.. my body is different, from other boys. But I’m a boy, I just… I’m trans, Matteo.”

His eyes refuse to leave Matteo’s face, and he sees the way his expression change into something he hasn’t seen before, impossible to decipher.

“Oh.”

Matteo rubs his face with his hands, like he’s trying to rearrange his own features, or hide any truth he thinks is visible there, and David just wants him to say _anything_ , because the silence sounds like static in a way that makes his body itch.

“I, uh, sorry, I don’t know what to say. I just… I really like you.”

“Yeah?” David hears himself ask, despite feeling like he’s been ripped out of the universe and is now slowly being thrown back down again. He’s still sitting next to Matteo, though.

“Yeah” Matteo breathes out, with a shyness to him that wasn’t there a minute ago, and David lets himself look up long enough to see he’s blushing slightly.

“I didn’t want to hurt you” David stutters out, because Matteo has to know.

“It’s…” he almost sounds like he’s about to say _okay_ , before changing his mind, “I get it.”

David shakes his head a little, forcing himself to keep talking about it even though he still feels a bit too bare.

“I don’t want people to know.”

Matteo’s face is serious, his eyes wide as he nods.

“I won’t tell anyone.”

“I know” David agrees, because despite his initial fear, Matteo outing him wasn’t really the main thing on his mind.

“Do you...” Matteo begins, carefully, making a face like he’s afraid David will get upset.

“What?”

He more or less sighs in frustration, gesturing with his arms, looking dissipated.

“Do you like me?”

David just blinks for a moment, before really taking in the expression on Matteo’s face. His cheeks are flushed at this point, tinted a warmer pink than earlier, and his nose is scrunched up in embarrassment at himself, and everything about it is so _cute_ that David almost leaps forward on the bed. In reality, it’s just enough for his hand to land on Matteo’s knee, and Matteo’s shallow breath graces the skin on David’s neck.

“ _Matteo_ ” he whispers, handling every syllable as gently as he can, then letting himself place a small kiss high on Matteo’s cheekbone, then another one on the opposite side.

He can hear the sharp inhale from Matteo as he presses his nose to Matteo’s neck, just wanting to breathe in the scent there, then moves back a little to look at him again.

If anything, Matteo’s face is even _cuter_ , and then, a hint of something else lits up in his eyes.

“So is that a yes, or...” he trails off, trying to look innocent, and David just rolls his eyes at him.

“ _Yes_ , I like you, Matteo” David spells out, making Matteo almost squirm despite asking for it, and then, finally, he lets himself lean in to kiss him properly.

And, he realises, as Matteo leans into him, steading himself by placing a hand on David’s thigh, with his other hand slowly moving through his hair, scratching a little at his scalp, somehow, kissing Matteo now is even greater than before; now, the feeling of stealing kisses without getting caught isn’t there, and David takes his time, finally slowing down to rest his forehead against Matteo’s.

They still have time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr @ thisverygayuniverse if you want to say hi


	16. Matteo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again for your patience with me and this fic 💖  
> I hope I can make it up to you with this extra long chapter.

“David?”

They’re lying close together, both on their backs, and David’s hand is moving in small circles through his hair, in the most soothing motion.

“Mm?”

Matteo can’t see his face properly from this angle, even when he turns his face a little to the side, but he knows he’s listening. The silence between them feels safe, not meant to be broken, and he bites his lip before continuing.

“Will you...stay? Here?”

David’s hand immediately disappears from his scalp, and David shifts on the bed so that he’s sitting up, looking down on Matteo with a look that’s too heavy.

“Of course.”

There’s a worry to his dark, warm eyes, and he looks tentative, moving his hand towards Matteo’s arm but retracting it before they can touch.

He thinks he should leave it, and just try to trust him, trust that he can have this - but instead, he moves so that he’s leaning on his elbows, arching his head up a little more.

“And like… you won’t... tomorrow…” he tries, not looking at David when he utters the words, not wanting to see whatever emotion displayed on his face.

He can hear David shake his head, and he bites his lip again, because he doesn’t think he’s ready for the conversation that’s about to follow, even though he was stupid enough to start it instead of letting things be good.

“Matteo,” David starts, and it’s clear that he won’t continue until Matteo is looking up at him again, meeting his gaze head on. 

When he does, David’s eyes are fixed on his, as if he’s hoping he won’t need words, just rely on telepathy. Then, eventually, he sighs.

“I won’t leave,” David mumbles, looking too sad for Matteo’s liking, but he knows he shouldn’t interrupt him, no matter how badly he wants to pretend they’re fine.

“No?” Matteo stutters, forcing himself to not look away, and David shakes his head again, smiling a little this time.

“Not unless you ask me to” David shrugs, but the weight of the sincerity in his voice is heavy, like his body could break beneath it.

“I won’t.”

And Matteo just wants to touch him, again, and be done with the uncertainty in their movements, and so he nudges David in the side with his forehead, making him let out a surprised sound before his hand is back in Matteo’s hair, stroking it slowly this time, brushing  it out of his face.

Before he can say anything else, David’s other hand is stroking his cheek, and suddenly, his body feels electric again, as if waking up from a slumber without realising he was ever asleep.

“Come here” David whispers, and he complies, sitting up so they’re even closer, and David doesn’t hesitate before leaning in to kiss him.

And, wow.

Matteo had almost forgotten, despite all the hours he’d fantasised about it, just how _overwhelming_ kissing David is - like his entire being is reconstructed with every small touch of David’s hands on his skin, every slow movement of David’s tongue against his lips.

“Finally” David whispers, and Matteo is pretty sure he isn’t supposed to hear it, because when he opens his eyes, David’s are still shut, and he hovers lower over Matteo, like he isn’t even aware he’s thinking out loud, and Matteo hears his own breathing speed up a little.

They don’t go past that, though; just curious movements, fingers itching to touch but never brushing under any clothing, just David’s fingers tracing lines between different spots on Matteo’s arm, while Matteo lets his hands move through David’s hair, gently tugging at it until David shuts his eyes again, revelling at the touch.

When he studies him like this, back in Matteo’s bed, back with him, he senses something on David’s face that he can’t recall seeing before, as something has shifted in his features, making them glow brighter than before, more intense. Then, David looks back down at him, raising an eyebrow but still holding his gaze steadily, and Matteo thinks that maybe, it’s a look of relief painted onto David’s golden skin.

He’s not sure when, but sometime after lazily making out, they’ve made it to the balcony, and Matteo takes the last drag of a shared joint before putting it out. David is sitting next to him, but they're not touching, not at the moment, and Matteo tries not to think about anything, really, but his brain keeps coming back to David’s confession, or what that means, and he tries not to let his face show it, because he doesn’t want David to get uncomfortable, or think that it’s a problem, or, worst of all, run off again.

“Matteo” David starts, probably sensing his insecurities through their silence, and instead of answering, Matteo blows out the smoke in his face, earning him a punch to the shoulder.

“Ass” David grins, poking Matteo at the side as well, and there’s something about the warmth radiating off his smile that makes Matteo think he should just try to say whatever’s on his mind.

It still makes him nervous, though, and he doesn’t know what’s allowed or not. Fuck, he doesn’t really know anything about being trans; he knows what it _is_ , and that it seems… complicated, but when it comes to details, or the actual reality of it, he feels lost.

David doesn’t ask about it, even though Matteo has fallen silent again, with his hands visibly fidgeting. Matteo takes it as a good sign that there’s still a small smile on his face, though.

“I… sorta want to… I think I should, maybe, ask something?” he tries, already stumbling through the syllables, hearing how wobbly every letter sounds between them.

“Okay,” David nods.

Unlike Matteo’s, David’s hands are almost still, and his eyes are focused.

“So, uh, yeah,” Matteo stutters, then stops to inhale the crisp air, closing his eyes for just a second. 

He can still feel David’s eyes on his face.

“I don’t know anything about this, about… trans stuff.” He gestures at David, as if it weren’t obvious who he was referring to, and he almost wants to punch himself at the lame movement. 

David doesn’t seem to care, though.

“That’s not really a question.”

When Matteo looks over at him again, he’s smiling softly, but there’s something heavy there now, too. Before Matteo can say anything else, David sighs.

“You can ask whatever, I guess” he shrugs, not really convincing him, but his voice sounds sure enough.

“Uhm, okay. Well... I was thinking... your chest?”

Matteo looks at him, despite feeling uncomfortable from being so  _ clueless _ , and tries to gauge his reaction. David nods a little, a barely visible movement, and Matteo figures it’s okay.

“It’s flat” Matteo adds lamely, and David laughs a little, not mockingly, just… surprised, like he’s heard the question a few times too many and hadn’t expected it from him.

“It’s uh, something called a binder,” David starts, sitting up a little bit more, “like a really tight fabric keeping things in place.”

He winces at himself as he says it, and Matteo can detect the uneasiness in his voice, as well, but at least they’re talking, now, properly.

“Okay.”

They’re both quiet for a moment, as Matteo mulls it over, with David seemingly waiting for him to ask something else. Once again, it takes him a while.

“Does it… hurt? The binder?”

“Yeah, kind of. It’s like... you get used to it, but if I go too long, it hurts like hell.” 

He almost laughs, again, and Matteo just looks at him, trying to figure out what to say as he stores the information in his mind. “Fuck.”

“Yeah, I… you’re not supposed to sleep in it, but... yeah.”

“So...” Matteo tries to piece it together, despite his thoughts moving slower, “last time, you were...”

“Yeah,” David nods, “I didn’t want to tell you, so...”

“Fuck” Matteo repeats.

“Yeah” David huffs out again.

There’s still that sense of relief from earlier tainting his face, though, visible even in the darkness on the balcony, and Matteo breathes out as he keeps his eyes on David. He is stunning like this, with his eyes not really looking at him, his profile smudged from the lack of light but still sharp enough for Matteo to feel his cheeks blush a little.

“Do you have an extra toothbrush, or something?”

Matteo isn’t really prepared for the question, or David’s voice breaking through the silence, so it takes him a minute.

“Uh, yeah, probably” he mumbles, biting his lip as he shrugs a little.

As if to go check, Matteo pushes himself up from the balcony, and David follows his lead. Their bodies just brush against each other in the small space as they get through the door, but it’s still enough for Matteo’s breathing to falter for a second.

He doesn’t realise until they get inside how cold he was getting, and he shakes his arms a little to get warm again. From the corner of his eye, he catches David smiling at him, with the gentlest expression on his face, and he automatically mirrors it before heading to the bathroom, yet again with David one step behind him.

It feels a bit foreign standing so closely together under the bathroom light, and it’s almost making him nervous, maybe even excited. As he turns around to reach for a spare toothbrush, he catches sight of their reflection in the mirror over the sink, and just the image of them side by side is enough for that excitement to grow into a smile on his face. Matteo quickly turns away, though, under the pretence of picking out a toothbrush, and he hopes David hasn’t caught the blush on his face.

“Ah” Matteo mumbles as he grabs one, handing it to David before actually looking up at him, and when he does, there’s something unreadable in his eyes; it’s new, and _charged_ , and Matteo forces himself to not blush even more, already feeling embarrassed and a bit too hot in the cramped space.

“Thank you” David mumbles back, eventually, but he doesn’t make any effort to actually brush his teeth, so Matteo goes ahead and puts on toothpaste before handing it to him.

They end up standing close enough for their elbows to bump into each other, and Matteo tries and fails to look away whenever their eyes meet through the mirror - somehow, he thinks, it’s almost more intense than just looking directly at David’s face, and he can’t really breathe properly as it is. He’s certain they stand there for way more than two minutes, and the silence between them makes the sound of their toothbrushes seem impossibly loud.

Then, as if David thinks just that, he lets out a small giggle, and Matteo can’t do anything but let himself giggle as well, carefully but with such a strong feeling to his gut that he knows it shows on his face, no matter how much he wants to hide it.

David takes his hand when they’re done, not saying anything, and Matteo closes the door behind them before being led back to his bedroom, feeling the excitement tugging in his body despite being tired, and most of all really wants to go to sleep.

When they get inside, though, David just stands there, in the middle, still just holding Matteo’s hand, and Matteo feels so grateful, suddenly, that he instinctively leans in. David’s lips are soft, so unimaginably soft against his own, and he almost shivers as he can feel David’s hand on his waist, keeping him steady. They’re both sleepy, but all Matteo can focus on is the safety pouring into him along with the taste of toothpaste still on David’s lips.

“Are you okay with sharing the bed?” David mumbles against him.

It’s such a small question, and they’ve shared it before, but Matteo still has to move backwards a little so that he can look at David properly.

“Of course” Matteo nods, his voice sounding a little hoarse, and David looks like he’s trying not to make it into something big, like whatever they’re doing is casual.

For once, Matteo does want to talk about it, though, instead of just letting things go unsaid, so he tentatively grabs David’s hands again, letting them just hang between their bodies.

“I don’t… I don’t see you differently, David.”

“Yeah, but…” David trails off, his voice quieter than before.

He knows he isn’t the best with words, and now, when his brain is already so tired, it’s like he’s forgotten how to articulate himself at all. Instead, Matteo ends up shaking his head, slowly, his eyes intently looking into David’s.

“You’re still you” he mumbles, barely audible, and his breath mixes with David’s when he suddenly leans his forehead to Matteo’s.

“Okay” David whispers.

“So, bed?” Matteo tries, forcing himself to lean away from David to look at him again, and David nods, smiling softly at him.

“I need to change, though.” David gestures at himself, like Matteo had expected him to sleep fully dressed, before Matteo realises he’s talking about his binder.

“Oh, yeah, ‘course” Matteo breathes out, not really sure what else to say without sounding stupid.

So, instead, he ends up just walking over to his closet, wordlessly looking through his things, then stops when he finds a t-shirt that he knows is clean.

“You can take this, if you want” he says, not really letting David answer before pushing it into his arms. He feels nervous, like he’s too much, but the feeling goes away as soon as David suddenly plants a kiss to his cheek.

“Thanks” he whispers, then disappears to the bathroom for a minute to get changed.

Matteo has just gotten out of his jeans, wearing only his boxers and a t-shirt when David gets back, and he registers the way David _looks_ at him, like Matteo’s bare legs is a sight to be seen. It definitely makes him blush, and then tries to ignore the fact that if David had been the one in just boxers, Matteo had done the same.

Before he can get lost in those thoughts, he forces himself into action and gestures at David to come to bed, and David raises an eyebrow a little before placing himself on top of the duvet, tugging a little at the hem of the t-shirt he’s wearing. It looks good on him - because everything does, as far as Matteo’s concerned - but it’s more than that. It’s seeing David in one of his own t-shirts, something he’s worn a million times, and it’s so intimate, making Matteo’s heart swell a little.

David makes a motion that looks a little hesitant, like he’s not sure what to do with himself, so Matteo moves the covers so that they can both go to bed, even though David’s still wearing pants. He thinks for a second that maybe David isn’t ready to show anything else just yet, but then, just as he’s about to try to ask about it, David turns around and suddenly, he too is in his boxers, showing off his thighs.

And Matteo tries, he really does, to not stare at the bare skin, but it’s obvious that David catches him looking before he can make himself look away.

“Sleep?” David asks, clearly letting Matteo get away and sparing him the embarrassment, and Matteo just nods with relief.

The second they’re under the covers, it’s like Matteo’s skin is melting into David’s wherever they’re touching, and David doesn’t wait to draw him close to his side, kissing him in his hair. It’s gentle, like it always is, and Matteo feels so safe, knowing that this time, David will actually stay. 

He thinks it’s enough for him to fall asleep, especially with David’s arm securely around his body, but his brain just thinks about waking up to his empty bed, followed by the silence, the excessive amount of joints, the ache in his chest refusing to go away.

“David” he whispers, even though David’s breathing sounds too steady to be awake.

It’s quiet for a while, long enough for Matteo to shut his eyes closed again, but then, he feels David shifting his body a little.

“Mm?”

“I don’t get it” he whispers again.

“What?”

He can sense the way David’s eyebrows turn into a frown, how his face changes, even in the darkness of the room, even without moving his head to look at him.

Matteo tries to put his thoughts into words, but it takes him a minute. In the silence, David’s hand finds his hair, slowly moving through it, patiently waiting for him to speak again.

“You could have just… stayed away. After you left.”

His breathing feels weak, and it takes so much effort for him to speak, but he knows that his thoughts will turn into nightmares if he doesn’t say anything.

“Matteo-” David starts, then shifts again so that he’s lying on his side, looking at Matteo with such a serious expression on his face, the shadows sculpting his features differently.

“I didn’t want to hide from you.”

Matteo lets his gaze fall from David’s face, just enough to not make eye contact.

“Why?”

When he looks up again, David is biting his lip, not looking at Matteo either.

“I wanted you too much.”

The confession feels too raw, too vulnerable to respond to right away, so Matteo stays quiet, trying to figure out what he’s feeling. They’re not touching, and Matteo wants to trace David’s arm, feel the skin under his fingers, but he doesn’t dare to move.

“I thought you didn’t really like me” he finally whispers.

“Matteo,” David breathes out, moving closer so that their bodies are pressed together again, and Matteo waits for him to say something else, but he doesn’t.

Instead, his hand brushes gently against Matteo’s chin, and then, they’re kissing again, so carefully that Matteo doesn’t know if he can breathe without ruining the moment.

“I’m sorry” David whispers.

“It’s okay” Matteo whispers back, because his body feels calmer, now, soothed by David’s hands gently nudging his skin, moving in circles on his upper arm.

Neither of them says anything as Matteo feels his body giving into the weariness he’s feeling, and even as he shifts a little to make himself more comfortable, David’s hand doesn’t stop its soft touch of his skin. He thinks he wakes up a few times, the room still bathing in darkness, and every time he’s aware enough to notice, David’s arms are still securely tucked around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on tumblr @thisverygayuniverse


	17. David

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to say thank you already, it feels like I have the sweetest readers possible and you really make it easier on me when I'm struggling to write. 💕

He’s not sure how long he’s been awake for, just sitting with his back against the wall and quietly looking through his phone, but the shadows dancing over the floor have already taken on a different shape, telling him the sun has risen a bit higher than when he’d woken up. He knows he should probably do something, get a head start and maybe go for a run or at least sneak out to the kitchen and get breakfast ready, but there’s something holding him back, making him reluctant to leave bed.

Something, or someone, who’s lightly snoring next to him, with blond hair that’s almost covering his face. 

Maybe it’s a cliché, but Matteo’s skin looks so soft like this, when he’s lost in dreams and unaware of his surroundings. His light blue t-shirt has ridden up a little due to him moving around during the night, just enough to show the skin on his hip, and David feels his heart physically change its rhythm at the sight. He wants nothing more than to hold him close, just to feel even safer - just draw him into his arms and stay there, just because he can.

“David?”

It’s more of a mumble than a name, but his body still reacts to Matteo’s voice muttering in his sleep.

“Yeah?”

There’s no answer, but Matteo makes a noise again, almost as if he’s annoyed, and he’s furrowing his eyebrows despite still looking fast asleep. 

David just manages to not lean down and kiss him from the cuteness, when he feels Matteo’s arm flinging itself in his direction, landing on his thigh. He doesn’t need more than that to know that Matteo wants him closer, and he feels a bit too giddy as he moves so that he’s lying next to him on his side, until he’s able to study his face properly. It’s stunning, even with the slight redness and the spots and the somewhat tired lines under his eyes.

Once they’re close enough for David to feel Matteo’s breath on his skin, he places a careful kiss onto Matteo’s cheek, and he can see Matteo blink in surprise before letting out a small yawn, and David feels himself falling deeper for him right then and there.

It doesn’t help when Matteo seems to wake up a little, and his first plan for the day is to cling himself to David’s arm, then gently kiss him with his eyes still closed. And David can’t help it when his brain tells him to hold Matteo a little tighter, just to make sure he won’t let go, or maybe so that he _himself_ won’t let go - the way his heart swells at the sensation of Matteo’s touch is bordering on terrifying, but he needs it, needs to let himself have this.

And, for once, he can. It hits him, slowly but suddenly, that he isn’t hiding from Matteo anymore, and the thought of Matteo’s well-intended stumbling questions the night before makes him exhale, just before kissing Matteo at the nape of his neck.

He moves a little at the touch, looking more awake now than just a little while ago, and as he sits up, his blond hair is somehow even messier.

“Hi” he mumbles out, and David thinks this, right here, is all he wants.

They make breakfast in some sort of slow haze, where all David can think of is how Matteo does different small and seemingly unimportant things while moving around in the kitchen, and he doesn’t even care about pretending not to study him when Matteo sends questioning glances his way.

He can barely stop himself from smiling around his mouthful of toast, and isn’t even that bothered when Matteo takes the last piece or when he decides to kick David’s feet under the table just to be annoying. He probably looks like a _fool_ , but it doesn’t matter - not when he’s still _here_ , with Matteo.

“Do you...uh… have any plans?” Matteo starts, looking like he’s trying not to look disappointed either way, and David has to shake his head a little before he can remember to answer.

“Uh,” he begins, and Matteo grins at him like he’s not usually the less eloquent one, then tries to actually think it through.

“I probably need to go home” he mumbles, not really looking forward to leaving, but also aware of how he should probably see Laura, and, he realises, take a shower at some point.

“Mm” Matteo hums, fidgeting with his phone but not really looking at it. He’s not really looking at David, either.

“You could come with, though?” David offers, not really thinking, and Matteo’s smile as he looks up is so bright David can’t help but move his chair close enough to run his fingers up Matteo’s arm.

His eyes close at the touch, as if he needs a moment, before he lets out a sigh of contentment.

“Sounds good.”

It takes all David’s willpower not to tease him for it, knowing he’s just as bad.

Afterwards, when they’re both properly dressed, David tugs at Matteo’s sleeve a little, just to make sure they’re on the same page, and grabs his bag from Matteo’s room. They don’t make it further than to the hallway before Matteo stops, and before he can ask him what’s up, Matteo carefully grabs his hand, not saying anything, just holding it. It’s one of the gentlest touches David’s felt.

“I want a kiss” Matteo mutters under his breath, like he has to ask for it, and David rolls his eyes at him but complies easily, biting softly at Matteo’s lip just because he wants to.

“Oh, _hello_.”

He can feel Matteo shuffle backwards at the sound, and when he turns around to look, he can see Hans standing at the doorway to the kitchen, smiling knowingly at them.

“Fuck” Matteo breathes out, and it’s not _that_ embarrasing, but David still hides his face in Matteo’s neck, smiling against his soft skin.

“I assume you’re David?” Hans offers, clearly not about to leave them be, and David forces himself to turn and face him, giving him an actually genuine smile.

“Yeah, hi.”

It comes out a little awkward, but Hans’ smile feels disarming enough that David doesn’t really mind.

“We’re going out” Matteo mumbles, giving Hans a _look_ , and David almost laughs at him when he feels Matteo’s hand on his wrist, tugging him along.

“Nice to see you!” Hans exclaims, ignoring Matteo completely, and David just smiles back at him before Matteo more or less drags him out the door, quietyly muttering something.

They catch a bus to David’s place, not really talking much, and it’s simple, with Matteo yawning into his shoulder every now and then before they get off at their stop. It’s too cute to not be distracting, and David isn’t really thinking about anything else until they’re heading closer to his and Laura’s building, and suddenly he’s too aware of the run-down state of it.

It feels like such a contrast to the quite nice flatshare they’ve just left, and he can feel his stomach drop a little at the thought of being so much _less_ than Matteo, in more ways than one.

“Wait” David mumbles, and Matteo almost trips over himself as David puts his hand to his shoulder.

“What?”

Seeing Matteo here, in the soft daylight, with the train tracks serving as a backdrop, the place itself feels so different, and Matteo just looks at him, looking a little sleepy but mostly like he’s a bit confused.

“It’s just… I don’t really show this place to people.”

“Okay” Matteo shrugs, then there’s a blush to his cheeks.

“What?” David inquires, already feeling more at ease.

“Just,” Matteo begins, shrugging again like he’s pretending to be unaffected, “does that make me _special_?”

David blinks for a second, not knowing what to say as Matteo’s smile grows wider, with a confidence masked as shyness.

“You’re very special” David agrees, and he can almost feel the heat of Matteo’s blushing face as he kisses him, and he can just laugh a little when Matteo ducks his head and gently kicks at his feet.

As soon as they get inside, David’s worries are all forgotten as he watches Matteo look around with wide, curious eyes, taking it in. 

The apartment is quiet, and he figures Laura isn’t home, so they both take their time; as he puts away his bag, he can sense Matteo slowly walk from room to room, not really entering but… regarding it, sort of, like he’s at a museum and waits for the art to affect him.

“Come,” David manages, smiling too widely at Matteo just  _ being there _ , and Matteo wordlessly looks up from where he’d just inspected one of Laura’s plants and blinks a little, as if he’d forgotten where he was for a second.

Once again, it’s something so impossibly sweet, and as he feels himself getting flustered, David thinks they might have to camp out in his room for the rest of the day just to avoid Laura eventually calling them out on it.

It doesn’t take long for Matteo to fall down onto the bed, his arms covering his face as he lets out yet another yawn, and David just rolls his eyes at him before he gives in and lays down beside him.

“Still tired?” he teases, and at that, Matteo suddenly shakes his head, forcing his body to act more awake.

It takes David a second to realise what’s happening, then Matteo’s hands are clinging to his arms, and before he knows it, Matteo has positioned himself so that he’s on top of him. David just blinks, at first, because having Matteo here feels so  _ much _ in the best way, before deciding to break free from Matteo’s gentle grip and soon they’re both wrestling, with Matteo breathing heavily from exertion. David knows he’s much stronger, but he still finds himself smiling at Matteo struggling to keep up, trying but failing to get the upper hand.

Then, Matteo stops squirming beneath him, and they both just pause to stare at each other. 

Matteo’s cheeks are flushed in the prettiest way, and he’s still smiling like he wants to take David down, but his eyes have gone wide, and David just keeps _staring._ It’s so intense, suddenly, and he’s not prepared for the heat rising in his stomach, making him feel out of breath just from looking at Matteo’s stunned face.

It’s enough of a distraction for Matteo to be able to get out of David’s grip, and David instantly feels Matteo’s hands cupping his face, dragging him down on top of him and then, finally, they’re kissing again. Matteo’s breathing is still heavy, like he’s desperate, and David can feel his body instinctively react to it, like they’re one and the same, like it’s Matteo’s set of lungs that makes him able to breathe. He feels himself get desperate, too, like he can’t get enough.

Matteo’s fingers trace the outside of his ear, in a way that almost makes him ticklish if it wasn’t for how much he’s already feeling, before moving down and settling on his shoulders, holding onto his body like David is the only thing keeping his body from disintegrating. David wants to place his hands everywhere, too; he doesn’t even think as he roam Matteo’s chest, his sides, the curve of his hips, and he stutters a bit when his fingers meet the bare skin right above the waistband of Matteo’s jeans, suddenly needing to feel every inch of him.

“David” Matteo breathes out, waking him up from his daze, and as they lock eyes, Matteo is squirming a bit, and David’s every movement comes to a halt.

“I’m not-” Matteo tries, his breathing still sounding a bit laboured, and David instantly lets go of him.

“I’m not... uh… fuck...” Matteo stutters.

It takes a second too long, but then, it dawns on him, and the insecurity on Matteo’s face almost hurts to witness.

“I’m not ready either,” David whispers, his voice heavy.

The silence that follows is a bit awkward, but he still meets Matteo’s gaze, trying to look reassuring despite his body feeling too much at once.

“Okay” Matteo nods slowly, his voice sounding breathless, and David leans in to kiss him, just once, gentle and soft.

“Okay” David agrees, and it’s as if his body instantly relaxes as he lays down beside Matteo again.

He can feel Matteo’s eyes on him, how they study his face in the silence between them, and it feels safe, knowing they don’t have to do anything, that Matteo doesn’t expect something that he’s not ready to give up just yet.

“I’m still into you” Matteo mumbles, almost sounding embarrassed, and David’s heart melts at the inclination of his voice.

“That’s good,” David teases, then moves so that he can carefully brush back a few strands of hair from Matteo’s face, and Matteo wrinkles his nose a bit, looking somehow softer than before.

Just as Matteo looks like he’s about to throw his arm around him again, David remembers that he still hasn’t showered, and his skin itches a bit at the thought.

“Hey” he mumbles, gently patting Matteo’s shoulder, moving the sof fabric of his t-shirt between his fingers.

“Mm?”

“I should go shower.” 

As he looks over at Matteo, Matteo frowns a bit at this, and David needs to hold himself back to not pepper his face with kisses.

“Buuuuut-” Matteo wines, moving a little on the bed when David attempts to sit up, and just misses when he reaches out to grab his arm.

“It won’t take long” David reassures, but he still lets himself kiss Matteo on the forehead before dodging his new attempt to hold him back, heading out to the bathroom with Matteo mumbling something that sounds like an insult under his breath.

He makes sure to try to be done quickly, intently moving his hands in circles through his hair under the hot water. A part of him kind of wants to take his time when he feels the heat on his skin, and the soft pressure on his scalp, but the thought of getting into some clean clothes and wrapping Matteo into a hug is enough for him to be done.

He has just managed to get into his binder when he hears Matteo’s voice on the other side of the door, not loud enough for him to make out words, followed by a small laughter he  _ knows _ belongs to Laura. Oh, God.

It doesn’t take him long to throw on a sweater and unlock the door, and just as expected, he finds the two of them right outside, standing in the hallway with widely different smiles on their faces - Laura’s being on the verge of smug, while still coming of as polite, and Matteo-

David almost blushes at the sight of him, shyness obvious on his face, his eyes much less confident than when he’d left him.

“Hi” he interrupts, mostly to get Laura’s attention off of Matteo for a second, and the look she gives him is enough to know she’s ready to interrogate him the second she gets him alone.

“Hi” she offers, and Matteo gives him a look like he wants him to save him.

“So, this is Matteo” David tries, not really sure what else to say, while also trying to ignore Laura’s attempt to telepathically communicate with him.

At this, Matteo looks even  _ more _ shy, or maybe flustered, and David can’t help but think he looks adorable.

“Glad to see David actually bringing people home” Laura smiles, making David want to kick her. 

At least, her words make Matteo’s smile turn into something more teasing.

“I’ve had friends over” David mumbles, even though Leonie might not count as  _ friends _ , plural. 

“Alright” Laura says, raising her hands as if to say she’s not going to argue, and Matteo lets out a small laugh at that, making David poke him in the side.

“Hey!” Matteo yelps, and David doesn’t care anymore; he just pokes him again, harder this time, before capturing him with his arms, laughing when Matteo fails to fight back.

“Idiots” Laura mutters, but her gentle smile betrays her as she turns around to head to disappear into her own room.

“You’re an ass” Matteo mumbles against his lips, his breath warm against David’s face, and David doesn’t even care to argue, not when Matteo squishes his nose against David’s cheek, begging for another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, you can find me on tumblr @ thisverygayuniverse


	18. Matteo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your patience with this fic ❤ 
> 
> I should also say that I'm taking writing prompts that I also post, though it might take a while for me to write them. If you want to give me a prompt, or just talk, I'm on tumblr @thisverygayuniverse.

As he meets his reflection in the bathroom mirror on Wednesday morning, Matteo almost wants to look away at the sight of it. His cheeks are so  _ pink _ , covering his otherwise pale skin, and his eyes look present, even though he’s running on too little sleep and still hasn’t had time for coffee. He looks  _ nervous _ , and as he runs his hand through his messy strands of hair in some attempt to make it look presentable, he knows he won’t be able to hide it.

The nerves in his stomach almost makes him sick, at the same time as he feels giddy, like he’s in a film where there’s suddenly a musical number out of nowhere to emphasise those grand feelings Matteo stubbornly hasn’t given a name to yet.

Still, refusing to put labels on the swarming in his body doesn’t stop him from experiencing it, and he has to force his face into something more neutral as he heads to school, not really wanting to be called out by Jonas the second they meet up.

Thankfully, Jonas doesn’t even see him approaching as he’s currently talking to Hanna, which, as far as Matteo knows, is _not_ a common occurrence, and all his focus is clearly directed at her. She leaves before Matteo gets there, though, and Jonas still looks all soft when she’s gone, not noticing him until Matteo gently slaps his shoulder.

“Luigi!” 

Matteo just raises an eyebrow in response, nodding slightly in Hanna’s direction, and Jonas smiles before shrugging at him. Whatever’s going on, they’re clearly not talking about it now.

“So, you okay?” Jonas asks, looking a bit concerned beneath his otherwise wide smile.

“Uh, yeah” Matteo shrugs, trying to sound casual and not give in to the sudden impulse to just tell him everything.

“You know, since you skipped yesterday?” Jonas continues, and Matteo hadn’t even thought about that, not really.

“Oh, uh, yeah, just...” he starts, and now, he knows he’s blushing. Fuck.

This time, it’s Jonas’ time to raise an eyebrow at _him_ , and any concern disappears as he tries to connect the dots.

Just as he’s about to say something that would explain his sudden absence, that isn’t about his staggering mental health but doesn’t reveal too much information, either, Jonas interrupts him with an, “Oh, David!”

Matteo’s head whips around at the sound of his name, and sure enough; across the building, but very much in sight, David is standing with Leonie, fondly rolling his eyes at something in a way that makes Matteo’s heart _swoon_.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

In hindsight, Matteo knows he only has himself to blame for the situation he’s found himself in, with something close to panic rising inside of his chest as the realisation hits. That doesn’t stop him, though, from cursing quietly under his breath as he fidgets with the zipper on his hoodie, trying to force himself to say something as Jonas is standing next to him, completely oblivious to the inner turmoil that’s taking place.

As he looks up again, David has left his previous spot next to Leonie and is making his way through the corridor, his eyes glued to his phone. Matteo just stares as David is getting closer.

“David!” Jonas exclaims, making Matteo wince at the loud noise so close to him, and Matteo doesn’t even have time to question why Jonas is calling him over as his brain is currently panicking. 

Still, Matteo sees David’s surprised smile, which slowly turns into something softer, and if it weren’t for the stress making his limbs restless, he would’ve melted at that. Now, though, he is still standing next to Jonas, who still doesn’t know everything, or anything, because Matteo has been too wrapped up in David to remember to actually tell his best friend about it.

“Jonas” Matteo starts, a bit too quietly as Jonas doesn’t even react.

He glances over at David again, who’s now stopped by someone Matteo doesn’t remember the name of, but David’s eyes still catch his, and fuck. He needs to get this over with.

“Jonas!” Matteo almost hisses, even though his voice is still pretty quiet.

“Hm?”

Now that he’s gotten his attention, he has no idea what to say.

“Uh,” he mumbles, before once again looking over at David, who thankfully isn’t looking at him this time. Matteo is pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to focus if he was.

“You know that, uh, guy I told you about? A while ago?”

He doesn’t even look at Jonas as he says it, just taps his fingers against the palms of his own hands, trying his best not to just  _ bolt. _

As if sensing something’s off, Jonas’ face turns more serious, before he offers a small nod.

“Uh, yeah?”

“Uhm, well, it’s David.” 

He isn’t sure his voice even carries through until the end, and his eyes are stuck firmly to the floor, not daring to look up at Jonas before he basically hears the questions forming in his head.

“David fucked you over?”

Jonas’ face is confused, sure, but there’s a darkness to his eyes that Matteo is pretty sure he’s never seen, and at any other time, he would be grateful for having such a loyal best friend. Now, though, there isn’t time for that.

“No, uh, fuck” Matteo mutters, and he can feel David’s eyes on him from across the hall without even looking over there.

“Look,” Matteo starts again, actually raising his head enough to meet Jonas’ eyes and notice the anger that’s still there, “uh, things happened, and it’s fine, and we… uh.. did stuff, and… it’s good, now. And I’m not mad, or hurt, I promise. I’m cool.”

“Fuck, Luigi...” Jonas mumbles, slowly taking everything in, before throwing his arm around Matteo’s neck and shoving him close to his chest.

“Okay, okay” Matteo protests, as Jonas messes up his hair, but mostly because he _knows_ David is probably watching them, and he’s already too embarrassed as it is.

“You sure you’re okay?” Jonas looks at him, giving him an almost stern face, and Matteo just lets out a short laugh in relief, sounding a little weird even to himself.

“Yeah, I’m cool.”

Just as Jonas is about to reply, he stops himself, and when Matteo turns to see what’s up, he sees David just a few feet away, clearly heading towards them, wearing a smile that’s both confident and a bit shy at once. And, _fuck_ , Matteo can already feel himself blushing again.

“Hi,” David offers as he stops at their feet, looking a bit more tense than when it’s just the two of them, and Matteo prays to himself that Jonas has let go of any possible grudge.

“Hi, man” Jonas exclaims, just relaxed enough to not seem suspicious, but Matteo is still a bit on edge standing between them.

He doesn’t realise he hasn’t said anything until he can feel Jonas blatantly staring at him.

“Hey, na?”

It earns him a soft smile, and even if David isn’t saying anything, his eyes basically glisten. It makes his stomach swoop, and he has to clench his fist not to embarrass himself.

He desperately wants to communicate to David that Jonas knows about them, at the same times as he wants Jonas to disappear, but, at the same time, he has no idea what the rules are here, outside of the comfort of one of their bedrooms. Honestly, he doesn’t even know if David is out, and, just as importantly, _Matteo_ himself is barely out.

“I was gonna ask you about the history thing,” Jonas says suddenly, like he just remembered it, and Matteo hadn’t even remembered that he and David shared a class. 

“Oh,” David breathes out, clearly not expecting it, before smiling a little again. “Yeah, uh, we could meet up and do that.”

His voice is a bit hesitant, beneath the surface layer of politeness, and Matteo wonders for a second if it’s noticeable to anyone but him. Then, he can feel David’s eyes on him, and he can barely make himself smile back at him, too aware of Jonas knowingly studying him.

“Hey!” someone cheers, making Matteo stop stressing out for a second just to see Abdi and Carlos clasping Jonas on the shoulder before widening their eyes a little at David standing there, clearly engaging with their little group.

Matteo can feel himself roll his eyes a bit at the thought of just how cool they all think David is, and maybe even more at the thought that they have no clue on what’s going on.

“Hi” David mumbles, and he, too, seems to notice their surprised fascination, making Matteo smile widely at him, not really caring if Jonas reacts or not.

“Hi man, uh, what’s up?” Carlos asks, trying and failing to sound casual, and Matteo swears he can hear Jonas snort at that.

“Uh, not much” David hums, his eyes decidedly not looking over at Matteo, and suddenly, all he wants is to be able to grab his hand with his.

He doesn’t, though, just glances over at him until David gives him a private smile, and it’s enough for the giddiness to come back in full force.

As soon as he can gather his thoughts a bit, right when Abdi has started telling them about a dream he had that doesn’t make sense even from the start, Matteo pulls up his phone, then types out a message.

To: David   
  
_ I told Jonas I like you  
  
_

He can pinpoint the second David’s phone vibrates, as his hand moves to his pocket, all the while his eyes are still on Abdi, pretending to focus on his story. As soon as he’s looked at his screen, he looks over at Matteo with a question in his eyes, before turning to read it.

Matteo tries not to study him, but it’s like he can’t help himself, and so he can see David’s eyes widen a little as he takes in Matteo’s words, and suddenly, he feels terrified that David will be upset about it.  
  


From: David   
  
_ You like me, huh?  
_

“Fuck off” Matteo mumbles under his breath, not intending for anyone to hear him.  The second he looks back up, though, it’s clear that they did, as all attention is on him.

“What?” Abdi asks, and he can see David biting back a laugh, making Jonas break into a knowing smile.

“Uh, nothing, sorry” Matteo mutters, not even looking at him, and Carlos picks up the story soon enough, clearly having heard it before.

His phone vibrates shortly after, and when he checks the message, his nerves untangle a little.

From: David  
  


_ I don’t mind x _

  
Matteo doesn’t even bother to hide his own smile this time.

...

“David.”

They’re in Matteo’s room that same afternoon, finally alone after not having seen each other since their awkward encounter earlier.

“Mm?”

Matteo studies his back, where his t-shirt hangs loosely against David’s side where he sits a bit too far away from him on the bed, clearly occupied by checking something on his phone. He’s still listening, probably, always being so _attentive,_ and Matteo isn’t sure how they’ve finally ended up like this. Still, Matteo decides to continue, just ‘cause.

“Daviiiid.”

David lets out a small huff at that, faking annoyance and most likely rolling his eyes at him before actually turning around to face him. “What?”

And there’s something with the sudden attention, with the soft look in David’s eyes, warm and earnest and patient, that makes Matteo blush a little, and he can’t even hide it before David’s eyes goes a little wide and his smile turns a bit smug.

“What?” he repeats, clearly waiting for Matteo to speak up, and Matteo doesn’t even care if he’s coming off a bit clingy anymore when he drags David backwards a little, just enough to kiss his shoulder where the skin is exposed.

“Nothing” Matteo mumbles into the muscle there, feeling David’s body tense a little before relaxing again.

“Mm-hm” David mumbles, barely sounding affected at all, but Matteo can sense a smile in the tone of his voice.

“Alright, I need to-” he starts, just as Matteo is about to reposition himself, and his voice is caught off when Matteo gently places his hand at the small of his back, just above the waistband of his sweatpants.

He looks up at David for a moment, just to check if it’s okay, and David just looks down at him, his eyes almost incredulous, but with want clear on his face, before giving him a small nod.

It doesn’t take more for Matteo to plant a small kiss on his bare skin, sighing into it as he enjoys the warmth that’s lingering there, then slowly moving his hand further up David’s t-shirt to get better access. 

Before he can do anything else, David inhales sharply at the touch.

“What are you doing?”

David’s eyes are amused, and just a bit darker than before, and Matteo just shakes his head at him and kisses him again, this time right between the lower lines of his shoulder blades, touching the fabric of his binder.

“Nothing” he breathes out as he moves his hands again, wanting to remove the t-shirt completely but not sure if he’s allowed, and David turns around just enough to get out of reach, making Matteo whine before he can stop himself.

“Jesus” David breathes out, but his smile is so _wide_ , like he can’t believe they get to have this, either.

He allows Matteo’s hands to wander a bit further, one of them placed at his waist and the other one gently scratching against his skin close to the spine, before apparently deciding he’s indulged him enough.

“Matteo.”

“Mm?” Matteo mumbles against David’s back, breathing in the scent there as he places a few more kisses along the curve of his body.

“We talked about studying?” David reminds him, and while he tries to sound stern, there’s a trace of amusement in his eyes as Matteo glances up at him through his lashes.

“Uuuuugh.”

He doesn’t stop himself from kissing David’s back again until there’s a sharp tug on his arm, and David practically forces him to move away.

“Alright, alright” Matteo huffs, rolling his eyes in emphasis, and suddenly, David is the one leaning in, quickly pressing a kiss to his lips.

Matteo just manages to blink as David moves away again, and stares at him as he gets off the bed, getting his backpack that’s sitting on the floor. It doesn’t take long before David has positioned himself on the small sofa next to the window, with his laptop already balanced on his legs and a focused look on his face.

The afternoon light is on the verge of dark, almost shimmering like silver as it touches the side of David’s face, slowly gracing his neck, adding contrast to David’s dark hair, and Matteo has to just look at him, for a while, in awe.

“What?” David hums after a moment, making Matteo aware of time moving around them despite the feeling of being suspended here, just the two of them.

“Just,” Matteo mumbles, without having planned what to say, just following whatever thought that comes up.

“Is it… would it be okay if I told the others? Like Abdi and Carlos? I haven’t even come out to them, or anything, but it feels kinda shitty to make Jonas lie to them, and I don’t know if I can just… not react around you or whatever-”

Matteo is well aware he’s rambling, his words even stuttering as they stumble over his lips, but it’s like he can’t stop once he’s started

Then, there are soft lips gently pressed against his, followed by the feeling of David’s forehead leaning on his own, and Matteo turns breathlessly quiet.

“You can tell them” David breathes out, his breath warm on Matteo’s lips, and Matteo realises his mind has gone quiet, too, and every thought has suddenly disappeared.

“Yeah?” Matteo whispers, gauging David’s reaction even though they’re too close to really tell, and David’s eyes fall shut as he leans in even more, kissing him so gently that Matteo shivers against him.

“Yeah” David mumbles, eyes still closed, and Matteo drops the conversation and any thought of studying as David places his hand on Matteo’s thigh before deepening the kiss further, making Matteo’s head spin with contentment.  



End file.
